


Love Will Tear Us Apart

by princessmera



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Domestic Violence, Drama & Romance, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Explicit Language, F/M, Heavy Angst, Mild Sexual Content, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Post Season 3, Rehabilitation, everyone is a little gay, it is gonna get dark, no spoilers but... dark, rated m for very dark themes of drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:54:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 65,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23577241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessmera/pseuds/princessmera
Summary: Justin is admitted into rehab for his drug addiction and Jessica finds herself crushing on someone she never expected.  Influenced by loneliness, trauma and manipulation the two of them become bystanders to the deterioration of their own love story for people who only care about themselves. Alternatively, a mutual break up isn't really mutual as it's followed by a series of tragedies.
Relationships: Jessica Davis/Justin Foley
Comments: 26
Kudos: 45





	1. Empty Handed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: not my characters lol
> 
> Alternatively: this is my version of whatever s4 could be. And if it sucks, we can all just accept this fic as canon and say fuck the show if they really are planning on killing off justin......  
> so each chapter has a song to go with the mood of the story. and the first few chapters are pretty chill then the drama amps up and the tragedy follows. also lots of oc's but don't worry...... they will not be anything like ani lmao i'm pretty good at oc characters
> 
> song: Empty Handed by Lea Michele

The grounds outside were beautiful. The grass was a rich dark green from the last month of rain, and the hedges on the border of the site were neatly trimmed as though there was an on-site gardener. There was. His name was Victor, and there was a picture of him in the brochure. The driveway was one way. It began at the large gateway and looped through to the main building, then circled around to the exit on the other side. The gardens looked like that of a rich mansion in the Hollywood Hills. But, the buildings themselves, of which there were five, looked more like a high school than a rehabilitation centre. The main building was two stories high, and painted in a pale blue. The place looked pale, weak, unassuming. Everything about it felt empty, and emotionless. And unlike a high school, it was rather empty.

Jessica stood on the paved road out the front, her arms were folded as she stood beside Justin. The nurse stood with a clipboard as she read out some rules of the rehab centre, and the two of them listened.

“Wait, wait,” Jessica interrupted, “so I can only see him at specific hours?”

The nurse nodded, “we advise you don’t come in for the first few days. He’ll be detoxing, and it’s a time most vulnerable for relapses. Visiting hours are in the mornings, but on the weekends they get longer in the afternoon. But you will be checked every time you come in for precaution.”

Jessica scoffed, “that’s strict. Sounds like the boarding school I went to in middle school, rather than a rehabilitation centre.” Justin blinked in confusion before turning to look at Jessica.

“I didn’t know you went to a boarding school. Why don’t I know that?”

She shrugged, “it was like a semester when I was a freshman. We lived in Chicago. Then we moved here.”

He made a face, “maybe I did know that.”

The nurse looked between them, and then shook her head. “All right, I think you’ve got everything.” She gave them a smile. “I’ll let you finish up your goodbye’s and then we can get to the fun parts.”

Jessica was frowning. “None of this will be fun. For anybody. Isn’t the detox stage just like a week of pure torture? And I’m not even allowed to see him.” The nurse took a step back, not knowing how to respond to the outburst, although, she had probably heard worse. Justin tried not to laugh, as Jessica backed away so they could talk by themselves.

“I’m sorry,” he said to the nurse, “about her.” The nurse waved a hand to say that it didn’t bother her, and then she left the two of them alone. Justin took a few steps back until he was facing Jessica again, and she was frowning. Her arms were crossed, and she was leaning on one hip staring at him.

“Did you just apologise for me? You know I hate that.”

He rolled his eyes at her. “Are you seriously trying to start an argument with me? Now? Here?” Jessica unfolded her arms and they dropped to her sides with a sigh. She hadn’t been like this twenty minutes ago in the car ride here. She had spent most of the time talking about HO to Matt and Laine, or scrolling through her phone for funny photos. Now Matt, Laine and Clay were inside talking to the receptionist about something, and Justin and Jessica were left alone in the courtyard.

Jessica’s shoulders slumped as she gave up on her irritation. “I’m sorry,” she said. “All of this is just… New to me. I just don’t want your time here to be shitty. And I want this place to be reliable.”

He nodded, “it’s gonna be fine,” he promised. “You have nothing to worry about.” Staring at him, her lips turned instantly from a frown into a smile she tried to suppress.

“Shit,” she mumbled, “I’m doing it again, aren’t I?” He laughed, but answered her question with a nod. Jessica stood up on her toes, and reached out to hold his face in her hands. “You’re gonna be fine. It’s gonna be more than fine. It’s gonna be… Great.”

He smiled, entertained by her sudden positivity. “Great?” She nodded enthusiastically and he shook his head. “I’m gonna miss you so fucking much.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m coming to visit you. Like, every day. You’ll never miss me.” He leaned down and kissed her, and Jessica stroked her thumb along his cheek. “I’ll miss you at school though.”

“There is barely a month left,” he said. “You’ll be okay.” Then he laughed, and caught his hands in her hair. “Maybe you should get a pet to keep you company at night.”

She grinned, her eyebrows going up in surprise, “what, like a kitten?”

He nodded, “exactly. I should have gotten you a kitten.” She reached up to kiss him as another car drove through the gates but neither of them cared. Jessica was more interested in saying goodbye to her boyfriend.

“So,” she whispered, pulling away from him only slightly. “I’ll see you every day.”

“After a week,” he corrected, “after I detox.”

She pressed her lips together, “what if I send you, like, a postcard, while you’re detoxing?”

He laughed, “I’d say text me, but I’m pretty sure they don’t allow phones.” She pouted, and he shrugged. “I’ll see you when you visit.” She kissed him again, and he put his hands on her waist. As they stood in the driveway, the others descended the steps into the courtyard.

“You know, I think it’ll be good for you two,” Laine said as she folded her arms. “Some time apart. I don’t think it’s nearly as bad as you expect.” Jessica pulled away, laughing gently.

“My dad said the same thing,” then she shrugged. “Not the exact same. He said it’ll be good because then I’ll have more time to focus on me. And then he added that he hopes we’ll break up for good.” She rolled her eyes, not taking the sentiment seriously.

“Oh well,” Laine said, unfolding her arms, “you’ll just have to prove him wrong.”

“I think it’s great,” Clay added in, from his tone they could all tell something sarcastic was about to come out, “the outhouse is finally going to be clean, and I won’t be woken up every morning at 6am by having things flung at my head.”

Justin only laughed, “come on, that was one time.”

Clay scowled. “You did it again last week with a tennis ball you stole from school. Then last summer with a shoe.” As Matt and Laine stared at them both, Justin shrugged.

“We’re working on your reflexes. They’re really bad.” Jessica tried not to laugh as Matt turned to Clay and asked if that was why he had a bruise on his arm last week. Turns out it wasn’t related, but no one could know that Jessica found it funny. She looked at Justin, and he also thought it was funny, so she no longer felt guilty about laughing. As they decided to wrap it up, Jessica took a step back so the Jensen’s could say their goodbyes. She found it sweet to watch. The fact that they hugged him made her smile. His mom had never hugged him, not as a child, and certainly not as a teenager. He told Jessica that when they first dated, and since then she had hugged him a lot. Clay was the last to say goodbye and Jessica giggled as they very reluctantly hugged, on Clay’s behalf obviously. When they pulled away Justin only nodded, and told Clay that after they perfected his reflexes they would work on his masculinity next. Everybody but Clay thought it was a good idea.

Laine turned to Jessica and put her hand comfortingly on her shoulder. “We’ll be by the car when you’re ready. Okay?” Jessica nodded that she understood. The three of them walked back to the car parked in the driveway at the other end, and Jessica was left alone with Justin once more. He took a step, and then she took a step, and then they were standing together again. He held his hands out to her and she took them in hers. His expression was relatively empty of any emotion. Jessica didn’t know how he felt, she couldn’t tell like she usually could. It was as if he didn’t want her to know. Maybe that was it. Both of them were terrified for the other, and they didn’t want anyone to know. Especially not each other. They adjusted their hands so that he was holding hers between them both.

“It’s just a week,” he told her, “and it’s gonna be fine.”

Jessica nodded her head. “I know, and you’re gonna be fine too. Okay?” She tried to smile, to comfort him. “Ten times better than detoxing in a small bedroom in secret with someone who knows fuck all about you. Now there are people who know exactly what to do, and they’re gonna look after you so you don’t get hurt.” She smiled. “And it’s so good this place allows visitors and school work.”

He nodded in agreement, “yeah, it’s pretty fucking cool.” She pulled her hands from his and pointed right between his eyes.

“No drugs,” she warned him. “No heroin, no oxy, no meth. Not even weed. And be careful of the people in there. They could be dangerous.” He was nearly smiling as he pulled her finger away from his face.

“Did you watch Girl, Interrupted again?” She pouted, but that was all the confirmation he needed. “I told you that’s not a fucking rehab. It’s a mental hospital.”

She shrugged, “still. Addicts are dangerous.” He cocked his head to stare at her, and she bit her lip. “I don’t mean it like that. These people have been through shit, just like you. But some of them might not take it seriously.” She raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you know what I mean?”

He nodded, “yeah, I know.”

She pressed her lips together, and gave him a small smile. “You have a habit of getting into really bad situations, even with good intentions. And it is gonna get you in _big_ trouble.”

He tilted his head, smiling sarcastically, “you have so much faith in me.” She grinned, leaning up on her toes to kiss him. He pulled away, frowning. “I should go. I have drugs to detoxify from.”

Trying not to smile, she nodded, “yeah, I know.” She stared at him, waiting to see what he would do. He glanced up the stairs, then back at Jessica. She pouted, widening her eyes at him. “Will you say you love me?”

He moved close to her, and smiled. “I love you. I do.” He reached around and kissed her cheek which made her giggle.

“I love you too.” She wrapped her arms around him for a hug. “And I’ll see you soon.” They held the hug for some time, neither of them wanting to pull away. Jessica didn’t know why she was so scared, but more than that she didn’t want him to think she was scared. So, that meant she had to pull away first. That was her being a good girlfriend, and a good person for someone who needed her. She pulled away and kissed him one last time. He ran his hands through her hair and it made her smile. It was only a week. But it was a week where, if things went wrong, his life was on the line. A week of being miserable and in torturous pain while he was all Jessica could think about. Was he okay? Was he coping, or not? That was the worst part of all. It wasn’t that she couldn’t see her boyfriend for a week, she wasn’t some fourteen year old lovestruck kid. It was that this would be, for the second time, one of the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. And Jessica wasn’t there for the first time, but she wanted to be there for him the second time. And, hopefully the final time.

He let go of her and took a step back. “Okay,” he said, smiling gently.

Jessica sighed and nodded her head, as if preparing herself. “Okay.” He looked back up the staircase and took another step away from her.

He turned back with one last look. “Okay?” He stared at her, and Jessica did her absolute best not to burst into tears.

“Okay.” He smiled at her one last time, and waved goodbye, and she waved back. She watched as he walked up the steps, as if he couldn’t get away from her fast enough. But that wasn’t it. They both knew if he didn’t go now, he never would.

Once he was inside. Gone. Disappeared. Jessica turned away and walked back to the car. She folded her arms, and stared at the ground. Counting her steps because her mind was empty. Completely empty. But not by choice. If she counted her steps. One. Two. Three. She wasn’t thinking about Justin. She wasn’t thinking about every awful thing that could happen. For the last week that was all she had done. And she had been able to voice those concerns, her fears to him. Which would make him laugh, and hold her so that she never had to think about it. Now there was nobody. She was lonely.

As she got to the car, Clay was staring. “You…Okay?”

Jessica looked up at him, then she shrugged her shoulders. “No,” she said, and her voice was weak to admit it. Jessica was always okay, she never needed help from anyone.

Clay only frowned. “Why?” She sighed in irritation when all she wanted was to sit in a car ride in silence. She walked around and pulled on the car door handle opposite Clay. The four of them got in the car and Jessica stared around the inside of the car, but more to the point, she looked over at Clay.

“Look, you can’t tell anybody this but…” She stared at her hands. “What if he never gets better?” When she looked up, all three of them were staring at her. Matt and Laine through the reflection of the rear view mirror, and Clay sitting beside her.

Clay shrugged. “He will. He has to.”

Jessica was shaking her head. “No, Clay. No.” She bit her lip. “You don’t know what I know.” Then she panicked, turning to him. “And I swear to fucking God if you ever tell him I said that I will ruin you.” Clay went wide eyed, looking to his parents to stand up for him, but they both stayed silent.

“It’s probably for the best,” Matt agreed, “that he doesn’t know you’re worried.” Laine nodded that she was on the same page.

“Jess,” she said, looking at her through the rearview mirror as Matt started the car. “We’re going for lunch, would you like to come?”

Jessica opened her mouth to respond, she stared out the window, thinking about it. “Um, that’s sweet,” she said, and from her tone they all knew she was about to say no. “But I have some stuff I gotta do.” Then she thought of something. “Actually, do you think you could drop me at the pet store?”

Laine nodded, “sure, Jess.”

Clay looked confused, “why the pet store?” He asked.

Jessica smacked her lips together, as if it was final. This was what she wanted. “I think I’m gonna adopt a kitten.” Then she giggled, thinking about it. “It’s gonna be so little, and it’s gonna fit in the palm of my hand.” She smiled, looking at Clay. “It’s gonna be mine, and it’ll sleep on my bed.”

“So, you’re replacing Justin with a kitten,” he clarified.

Jessica shrugged, “he’s kind of like a kitten. He sleeps a lot. He eats a lot. Sometimes he disappears for a while and when he comes back it’s like he was never gone. He’s not very well trained. And he’s pretty complacent. I can do whatever I want to him and he hardly complains.”

Clay squinted, shaking his head. “No, see, I always saw him as like a dog.”

Jessica made a face, “what, how? Is it the eyes?”

“No,” Clay said, “he’s just always in a good mood, and he has a lot of energy. And I’ve found that if you throw something at him, he’ll always catch it. I don’t know how. He likes attention all the time.”

Jessica nodded her head, coming to see the similarities. “He is very loyal.” And every time she called his name he would come, but she couldn’t say that innuendo out loud with the current company.

Matt cleared his throat from the front seat. “Can we please stop comparing Justin to various animals. He’s barely been gone for 5 minutes.” Jessica realised the conversation wasn’t helping. She missed him already.

“I’m with Jessica,” Laine added, “I think you should get a kitten. They’re cute and they need less attention than a puppy.”

To that Jessica agreed. Even if her boyfriend was the human equivalent of a puppy, and not a kitten. But he was cute, and so we're kittens. So it was fine. And it's not like rescue kittens cost all that much.

* * *

“What. The. Hell… Is that?”

Jessica looked up from the front doorway at her dad with a smile. “It’s a kitten.” She pointed inside the cage they gave her at the pet store. “He’s a rescue. He’s two weeks old.”

“Why do you have a kitten?” He was wide eyed, in shock. “I thought you were going to a rehabilitation centre?”

“We did. And then I decided to adopt a kitten to keep me company.” He still wasn’t on the same page. “Don’t you remember when I was eight and I asked you for a kitten, and you said I could get one if I saved up and was responsible enough? Well, I did, and I am.” She was grinning, glancing from her dad down to the tiny white creature at her feet. He was so small he fit in her hand.

Mr Davis was incredulous. “What about when you go off to college?”

Jessica shrugged. “Depends. But Justin can always look after it.”

“Oh,” he was nodding, “so he was involved in this?”

She nodded, smiling. “It was kind of his idea.”

Her dad’s expression turned to frowning, “are you sure he’s capable of looking after a kitten?”

Jessica made a face, “yeah, dad. He’s a recovering drug addict. He’s not physically disabled or something.” She crossed her arms over her chest, indignant to the insult toward her boyfriend.

Her dad stared at the ground, then looked back at her with a sigh. “Honey, can you do something for me?” Jessica nodded in concern. “Can you consider talking to a therapist about your relationship?”

Jessica’s brow furrowed. “What? Why?”

Her dad only shook his head at her. At the fact that she didn’t understand. “He’s in rehab. That is hard on your relationship. It is going to force you to experience your relationship in a very different way. You should talk to someone about it. I know you don’t want to talk to me. I know that the person you would talk to about this is the one you can’t. So please, just take care of yourself okay?” He was nearly scowling towards the end. “And no more impulse buying pets. We can’t house them all.” He walked away and Jessica called after him.

“I named the kitten Sid. In case you wanted to know.” And she wanted to get a second one for Justin when he got out of rehab, and call it Nancy, but now wasn’t the time to tell her dad that.

“That’s sweet, honey.” She smiled with pride, looking down at the enclosed kitten by her feet.

“Come on, Sid,” she picked up the enclosure and skipped up the stairs to her bedroom. She shut the door behind her and put the cage in the centre of the room. It made a small meow, and she sat facing the cage door. Biting her lip, she made sure she had her phone ready as she opened the door.

“Oh my god,” she gasped as it stumbled out of the cage onto the carpet of her bedroom. She gently picked it up and held it up in front of her face. It really was small enough to almost fit into the palm of her hand. “This is the best impulsive decision I’ve ever made,” she said to the kitten. It just blinked, and squirmed in her hand. She put it back down and let it wander around as she took photos of it. A documentation for her to show Justin next week when she visited him. He was going to be surprised. He would love it. Or maybe he would be upset that she had a kitten that he would never get to see, at least not for a while. But she had just always wanted a kitten, or a pet of any kind. She didn’t like to be lonely. And she knew she was going to be very lonely without someone to climb through her window at 1am then wordlessly falling asleep beside her. There was something about night time company, someone sleeping in a room with you, that is so intimate. Perhaps it’s the pure vulnerability of a sleeping person, and knowing that someone cares enough to be with you like that. It’s company, knowing that someone wants to be around you. A boyfriend who would sneak out in pitch black, and sleep beside her until sunrise when he would sneak away once more. Or a kitten, who would sleep in Jessica’s arms like she was its protector and it wanted her there.


	2. White Blank Page

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok but i named this chapter after one of my favourite songs of all time, and i made my dad listen to it and he didn't like it. so now my respect for him has gone down. just kidding. anyway, y'all who are socially isolated go listen to white blank page by mumford and sons and isolate in joy. best song. 
> 
> ummm yuh, the first few chaps are pretty soft and sweet. so don't worry. the later chapters are more..... emotional, i guess. also i wrote some oc's and they are always based off actual characters in other shows. so creds to anyone who can work out who is based on whoooooo.

“Okay,” Jessica yelled, trying to get the attention of everybody crowded inside the classroom. But nobody listened. “Hey!” She shouted, and still they kept talking. Beside her was the new captain of the football team, Jackson Simms, and he stood with his arms crossed. He was scowling.

“Everybody shut up!” And they did. The whole room quietened and the only sound they could hear was Jessica’s very humiliated thank you to Jackson.

“Thanks, uh, for coming,” she said, her voice projecting into the crowd. “I know nobody wants to be here right now. But Bolan says we have to learn to get along so, this is my attempt to fix some of what went wrong recently.” She raised her eyebrows at the crowd of HO students and the football team. “Okay?” They all nodded. With no Monty to verbally object, they had become quite placid. Jackson seemed like he was committed to this Hands Off thing, and Jessica could respect that. That was the kind of football captain she could work with, if Zach had to step down she was glad someone with an actual conscience could take his place.

Jackson leaned over to her and whispered, “did you wanna explain to them how this is gonna work?”

Jessica brushed him off, “yeah, I’m getting to it.” She put her hands on her hips and stared around. “So the plan is that together we can create some kind of campaign against sexual assault within schools, and raise awareness for survivors. The hope is that we focus our attention on them over the perpetrators.”

“What’s a perpetrator?” A footballer called out and Jackson rolled his eyes.

“A rapist, Tom. Stop skipping English class.”

“Um,” Jessica looked between the two and continued on, “yes, so… We’re planning on spreading awareness of the effects of sexual assault on survivors, and hoping that will work a conscience into perpetrators and spreading awareness of what to do in that situation when you are being attacked, or… you see someone being attacked.”

Someone shouted out from the back of the room. “Is your boyfriend gonna host that class, Jess?”

Without looking up, she rolled her eyes. “How about go fuck yourself?” She smirked mockingly, and then continued. “So I know that nobody here is especially keen to team up with the Hands Off allies and survivors… and the football team. But Bolan says we have to, and I need this for my college applications. Also, believe it or not, it’s gonna look great on all your applications, sports or not. So, we might as well suck it up and work together.” She pressed her lips together and looked out at the crowd. “Any questions?”

One person raised their hand, a HO ally, “yeah, um, what is the campaign? What are we doing?”

“Well,” Jackson answered for Jessica, and she scowled because that was one of her girls and it wasn’t his place to respond. “We’re handing that over to all of you to work together and come up with something. Thursday lunch we will all meet, and everybody should bring their ideas, and their lunch. And we’ll make a plan.”

Jessica put her hand up, which made her feel inferior, so she could answer better. “It’ll be something like a social media campaign. Or a rally, or a protest. An assembly. Something that we can get people involved with. And everybody here will be involved.” She looked around at the bored, empty faces of the football team, and then the angry looks on the HO members. She sighed. “That’s it. You can go now.” They all burst into conversation again and began to leave the room, filing out the single door to Jessica’s left. All by herself, Jessica filed her papers into one pile and shoved them into her bag. Then Casey walked up the desk opposite her, her arms were folded and she wasn’t happy.

“What the hell are you doing to this group?”

Jessica shrugged nonchalantly, “I’m trying to help people. Maybe you should try it some time.”

Casey only scoffed, “why are you shitty with me? I asked one question.”

Jessica made a face, erring on the side of mocking her, “maybe because I knew you were gonna complain and I’m just not in the mood.” Casey’s face looked furious. “Casey, I’m seriously not in the fucking mood for this right now. My boyfriend is in rehab, so I have bigger and more personal shit to think about right now.”

Casey sighed, “I’m just saying, Jess. I think you’re in over your head trusting the football team. They only got into that fight at Homecoming because they could. It was never about us.” Jessica shut her eyes for a moment, and tried to think of what to say. Her and Casey still hadn’t moved beyond their differences. Those differences being that Jessica wanted to date Justin, and Casey hated him with a passion. No one was sure why exactly.

“Look, I get that you hate the jocks, and all. But Hands Off Our Bodies is for everybody. Rape culture isn’t just jocks preying on the weak. It is the powerful preying on the weak, and sometimes the jocks are the weak ones. Who the fuck are we to tell them they have no place here, or that they’re part of the problem. Victims are victims, and they don’t become survivors until they get the chance to tell their story.”

Casey rolled her eyes. “Is this about Justin again?” Jessica let out an exasperated breath, and matched Casey’s eye roll with one much angrier.

“Jesus, not everything I do is about my fucking boyfriend! Okay? Sexual assault affects everybody. And I am not about to point my finger and tell the football team that it can’t affect them too.”

“But they’re rapists!”

Jessica’s hands went up in frustration. “No they’re not. Not all of them. Just like not every girl is a survivor. Not every member of our group is a survivor. Classing them all as perpetrators is ten times more fucking harmful than classing them as allies, and survivors.”

Casey sighed. “Whatever.” She pulled the bag strap further up her shoulder and walked out. “I’ll see you in Math.” Jessica watched her go, no longer caring. As she was about to walk out behind Casey, a hand appeared to tap the desk in front of her.

“Hey,” she looked over and Jackson was standing there. She glanced down at his hand next to hers on the desk, and noticed how much darker his skin was than hers. She raised an eyebrow.

“What do you want?”

He smirked, “you’re snappy today.” He gave her a nod. “I like it.”

She screwed up her face. “I don’t care. I have things to do.” She swept her hair behind her shoulder and sighed. He stopped her from walking out by grabbing her arm.

“Wait,” he said, “I wanted to ask you about this stuff.”

Jessica rolled her eyes, “sure, what?”

“Did you wanna work together as the leaders for this thing?”

She made a face, “why the fuck do you care? You and your team have never given a shit about HO before, but suddenly Bolan says you have to, and you’re all over my dick…” His eyes widened and she tried not to laugh. “I’m sorry. It’s a habit. You’ve met my boyfriend.”

Jackson nodded, “yeah, it’s weird but I get it. See, I care about sexual assault, and stopping it. I don’t get why you’re such a…”

She cocked her head. “I dare you to say bitch right now.”

“I wasn’t gonna say bitch,” he defended in exasperation.

Jessica rolled her eyes. “This is my thing, okay? I’m the Student Body President. I’m the survivor. I created Hands Off. You are the friend of two rapists, and the captain of a football team that has watched me fail, and celebrated it like it was a fucking victory.”

He made a face. “You don’t even know me.”

“I know enough. You’re Jackson Simms. You’re a senior. You were friends with Monty. You have some concerning rage issues. You’ve broken at least five players hands during games. You once hospitalised someone for calling you a slur. In Sophomore year you were voted second hottest guy in our class. You aren’t juicing… yet. And you were on the baseball team.” She cocked her head to intimidate him.

“Jesus Christ, Davis,” he was smirking proudly, “sounds to me like you have a small crush. How do you know all these things about me?”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “My boyfriend is on your fucking football team. He tells me everything. Don’t read into it.” With a sigh she crossed her arms. “So what do you want?”

Grinning from ear to ear, Jackson stared at her. “Right now I really wanna know how the hell you’re dating Justin? He’s like… _so_ fucked up. And you have all your shit together.”

Jessica frowned, “my personal life is none of your fucking business.” She cocked her head at him and glared. “So, what _do_ you want? Because I’m late for class.”

“I just thought we could work together on this. As the leaders of both groups. I wanted us to get along.” She pressed her lips together so hard she almost lost feeling.

“I’m the leader, but if you can show me that you actually care about this stuff, then you can be a leader too. It’s not my place to haze you out. But, this isn’t a fucking joke. I don’t want this to be a one person effort, but I’ll do it if I have to.”

“You shouldn’t have to,” he said, “I’ll help you.”

She smiled, “thank you, Jackson. Prove me wrong… please.” Jackson smiled back at her. He was sweet. He always had been. He was Liberty High’s less troubled, more proper version of Justin. Jackson had good grades, his parents were lawyers, he wore perfectly ironed shirts under his varsity jacket every day, and of course he was black. He was the football team captain, he lost the popularity to Monty, and the qualification to Zach. But with those two gone, he was free to step up. Apparently they hadn’t even needed to vote again, Justin said the coach just picked Jackson because he was the best option. So, of all the football players to take a leadership role, she was glad it was Jackson. He was relatively nice compared to the others. Even if he was boldly confident to the point he came across as pretentious.

* * *

When Jessica saw him across the room, she didn’t mean to smile as widely as she did. She held her arms out and when he finally made it to where she was standing, she wrapped them around him for a hug.

“Oh my god!” She cried, pulling away.

Justin was smiling at her, and she had never felt happier. “You look so good.” He ran his hand through her hair as she smiled.

“Thank you.” He picked up one of the curls and brushed it against her cheek to make her giggle.

“Fuck, I haven’t seen your natural curls in forever.”

She tilted her head. “You saw them like a month ago when you stayed the night and we had sex in the shower. I remember because you wouldn’t stop touching my hair.” She laughed, and he nodded as he remembered the night. Jessica hooked her arms around his neck, and properly looked at him. “You look… like you’re detoxing.” He laughed, and while he still looked like himself, he did not look healthy.

“Yeah, it’s better this time because they, like, let me out to go for walks. Cause I’m not a wanted criminal.”

She smiled at him, excitedly, “that’s great. You love walks.” God, she thought, he really was the human version of a dog.

He nodded enthusiastically. “I do. I hate being inside _all_ the time.” He started playing nonchalantly with the curls in her hair as she stared at him.

“Do you feel okay?” He nodded, and she smiled. “Good. That’s good.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and she tilted her head slightly.

He smiled gently at her. “I missed you.”

“Yeah, I missed you too.” She ran her fingers along his cheek as he played with the curls in her hair. “So how was it? Detoxing?” He only sighed, and she bit her lip to stop herself from smiling at how cute he was.

“Well, I got through it. Still am.” He rolled his eyes. “I spent the first few days throwing up everything.” Jessica made a face at him, and he nodded in agreement that it was pretty gross. “And I have a roommate who had to call the nurses in like 10 times because I cried a lot, and then I would pass out from how much I threw up.”

“Jesus Christ,” she said, wide eyed. Then she pouted. “Aw, babe, that’s awful.” She held his face in her hands, and stared at him. “How is it now?”

He shrugged, “I just barely sleep and I get stomach cramps that are fucking painful.”

“Are you having withdrawals?” He nodded. “That’s expected.”

Then he smiled, “but seeing you makes it better.”

She pressed her lips together, trying not to giggle. “That’s cheesy.” Ordinarily she would roll her eyes, or punch him in the shoulder for saying it, but she was too happy, and she loved him so much. Nothing could ruin this.

He laughed, “I know, I almost threw up again just saying it.” She stood up on her toes to kiss him before realising what she had forgotten to do. She fell back to her heels in an instant, and reached around to her bag.

“Shit, I brought you the English work you missed. It’s a practice essay on Romeo and Juliet. Did you read it?” 

He shrugged, “I read half.”

Jessica rolled her eyes, “well you should read it all. It’s short. It’s a play, barely even a book.” He didn’t budge. “They’re giving you this chance to graduate with everyone. Take it. Otherwise you’d have to repeat. Or take summer school again.” She raised an eyebrow at him. “And you do not want to spend your summer at school while the rest of us are going off to college.”

This time it was him who rolled his eyes. He gave in to her. “Fine. But I’m not gonna like it.”

“No one says you have to.” She took the book out of her bag and handed it to him. “I need it back by Wednesday. I have a paper to write.”

He laughed, “God, I guess there are cons to dating the Head of the Student Body.” Then he smiled. “But also pros like… helping me pass English.”

Jessica scoffed, “you always pass. It’s not like you need to be a Straight A student to graduate.”

“Fair point.” He took the book from her, then the pages detailing all the essay prompts. “Do you have my biology homework?” She shook her head, and he sighed reluctantly. “That’s fine.” He shrugged his shoulders and grabbed her hand. “Come with me, I gotta put this shit away.” He led her out of the main building and down a path to where the next building was where the inhabitants slept.

“Do you like it here?” She asked as they walked.

He shrugged, “I can’t complain.” He turned back to smile at her. “Sucks that I can’t see you though.”

She smirked, “shut up. You’re staying in the only treatment centre in this district for teens that allows contact with school and family. You _really_ can’t complain.” He glanced back at her again and laughed. They both knew she was right.

“Here,” he said when they stopped at the first door in the hallway, “this is my room. That I share.” He pointed to the little sign on the door with a circle on it. “That means that I’m detoxing so I need to be monitored at all times.”

“And do they? Monitor you at all times?” She looked around the hallway. “Are we being watched now?”

He laughed. “They try to. We only have an hour.” He pushed the door open and let her walk in as he followed. She stared around, looking at the warm yellow walls and the beds either side of the room. Off to the right was a bathroom, and the door had a lock on it which Jessica thought could be dangerous. “Jess,” he pointed to the right corner where there was a guy lying on the bed, “this is Henry. He’s my roommate.”

Henry didn’t even look up from his book. “They gave you visitor clearance. How fun.” Jessica gave him a friendly greeting but still he didn’t look at her. He was smirking as he read his book. “Your boyfriend cries a lot.”

Jessica nodded, “yeah, he does.” As Justin put the school work on the table, he turned around and made a face at her. “It’s not a bad thing. I don’t mean it like that.”

“I did,” Henry deadpanned. “He’s annoying on withdrawals.” Jessica looked over at the boy no older than her, sitting on the bed reading Catcher In The Rye.

“Shut up, Henry. No one asked you.” Henry only rolled his eyes. “What are you here for?” She asked.

“Cocaine,” Justin answered for him, “he’s been here for three weeks.”

Jessica pressed her lips together. “Coke?” She scoffed, “see, I don’t think you’re in any place to call my boyfriend annoying when he’s having withdrawals you couldn’t even imagine.” Justin looked over at her with a look warning her to stop talking. She rolled her eyes, but she shut up.

Justin glanced over at Henry. “We’re gonna be in here. So you might want to go somewhere else.”With an exasperated sigh, Henry closed his book and sat up.

“Fine,” he said, standing up and walking out. As he got to the door he turned and looked back at them. “Nice one. She’s hot.” And with that he shut the door behind him.

Jessica scowled. “He seems like a dick.”

Justin nodded, “he is.” Jessica wandered over to sit on the bed, and he sat beside her. “His parents are like super fucking rich. And he thinks he’s so above everybody else here.”

Jessica rolled her eyes, “cause fucking coke is so normalised by society as a drug. Why was he on it anyway? Did he ever tell you?”

Justin shrugged, and she noticed his reluctance to answer. “He’s off and on it all the time apparently. He’s in here every few months. Rich peer pressure… When you have the money for the drugs, you’re more likely to try it.”

She frowned, “fucking rich people.” Then she smirked. “But he’s right, I am hot.”

Smiling, he leaned back on the bed. “Fuck yeah, you are.” She crawled up the bed to sit beside him as she pulled out her phone.

“I got a kitten. Like you said.” His jaw dropped. “Did you wanna see pictures?”

“Yes!” She laughed and swiped to unlock her phone. He reached out and put his hand on the small of her back and she leaned closer to show him the photos.

“Here,” she said, showing him the first picture she took the moment she let Sid out of the cage. He took the phone from her, smiling, and scrolled through the photos one by one.

“That’s so fucking cute, Jess.” She leaned around to see the screen as he scrolled and she ran her hand along his arm.

“He’s adorable. I named him Sid, and he fits in my hand. My _hand_.”

“Your hands are tiny,” he said with a smile, and she nodded. “Sid… Is that you trying to be cute?”

She grinned, “maybe. Why? Don’t you like it?”

He blinked. “You named a kitten after a drug addicted bass player… I don’t _dislike_ it.”

“Well, he’s not trained to use a litter box yet, so, he pees everywhere. In my shoes. On my clothes. In my bag.” Then she smiled. “But he’s just so cute. It’s hard to be mad.”

“How old is he?”

She smiled. “Three weeks. His mom got hit by a car and someone rescued him and turned him into the animal rescue people. So I adopted him.”

He frowned, glancing at her, then back at the phone. “Poor thing. Is he good company? Better than me?”

“Much better.” As he kept scrolling she laughed.

“How is everyone at school? How’s HO?”

She shrugged. “It’s good. Boring now that I have nothing to do in my spares and between classes.”

He smiled at her, “you could study.” She screwed up her face and he laughed. “Aw, you miss me.”

She smirked at him, “maybe. Mostly I really miss having a spy on the inside of the football team.”

“I was a shit spy, let’s be honest.” With a subtle nod she agreed.

“I’ve been working with the football team, like I said I was gonna do. We’re doing a protest at the next football game, with the team and HO. And we’re doing a social media campaign.”

He smiled, “that’s so good. What’s, uh, Jackson like as a captain?”

Jessica shrugged. “He’s pretty good. I’m not gonna complain.”

“Yeah, well, be careful. He can be fucking terrifying when he gets mad.” Then he rolled his eyes. “And he’s no fucking ally to HO. Just last month he said he didn’t regret the Clubhouse whatsoever. He’s a dick.”

Jessica smirked, “why do you have some unspoken rivalry with Jackson? He seems harmless.”

Justin scoffed in offense, “I don’t have a _rivalry_ with him. That’s fucking stupid. I just don’t trust him. He was friends with Monty. He was friends with Bryce.”

“So were you.”

He shook his head. “It’s not the same.” And that was it. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He handed the phone to her and she shoved it back into her pocket. “Have you got all your college applications in?”

“Yeah, but, you know, I’m thinking of taking a gap year and travelling.”

His face lit up. “Shit, that’s awesome. Where?”

She shrugged. “Europe. I think my insta would look super cute with some pictures of me in Italy.”

He smiled, “I agree. But, you do look good at beaches too.”

She turned around and kissed him. “That’s sweet, but I know. My skin fucking glows and I look great in a bikini.” Then she shrugged. “I think we should do Europe. We could see snow. I mean, it never snows here. And the architecture is so different, and the culture. And, I dunno, I just wanna see some ancient history.”

He made a face, “woah, wait, wait… We? As in you and me? Or are you gonna find someone else to go with you?”

She laughed, “yes, you and me. Well, unless I find another boyfriend in the next six months.” She shrugged again, showing him that this wasn’t something she had set in stone. “Obviously you get the first invitation to come. But if you don’t want to, I’ll find someone else.”

“Fuck yes, I’ll come. I wouldn’t want you to fall in love with an Italian boy and move across the world to live with him and eat pizza all day.”

“That is _not_ gonna happen.” She turned around and sat up on her knees over him. “When you get out _we_ can eat pizza all day. And we can go to the beach. And we can go on dates.”

He smiled, “that sounds fucking amazing.” Then he shrugged. “Can I see more pictures of the kitten? It’s the only thing that will get me through the next month.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope everyone stays safe. please give me some love bc i am beyond tired of my writing flopping. it keeps me sane in this pandemic. <3


	3. Good In Bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all just go listen to Good in Bed by Dua Lipa. that's all i have to say.

The girl stuck her hand out, “Maddy,” she said, and she didn’t sound pleased. She pursed her lips together and tilted her head. “Who are you?”

He blinked. “Uh, Justin.”

She squinted as she stared at him. “And you’re a heroin addict?” He reluctantly nodded. “Me too.”

“Shit, really?” She didn’t look like someone you would expect to be a drug addict, let alone on something like heroin. Then again, very few people would have guessed the same of him.

Maddy tilted her head again, “you’re roommates with Henry, right?” He nodded. “Tell me, honestly, what you think of him?”

Justin hesitated. She wanted honesty. “Well, I guess, he kind of seems like a dick. But I mean I barely know him, so…”

Maddy smiled, and it almost felt condescending. “I think we’re gonna be best fucking friends.” Then her smile dropped. “Henry is a cunt. I cannot stand him.”

For the rest of the day Maddy dragged Justin around the centre. She explained everything to him. Who everybody was, why they were here and how likely their recovery was on a scale from one to ten. She was a whole fucking lot to handle. But she was so casual and nonchalant about everything. Nothing was a big deal to Maddy. That fourteen year old accidentally killed her best friend and is recovering from a meth addiction. That sixteen year old is a crackhead because his dad is a doctor who doesn’t want to admit he too has a coke addiction. Everybody was under 21. This was a treatment centre for young people struggling with drug addictions, or mental health issues. A few girls were anorexic as Maddy pointed out, some bulimic. Some bipolar, some depressed. She knew everybody. But, apparently, Justin was only one of two people who got to know everything about Maddy. She didn’t like to talk to the others because they didn’t understand. But she thought he would.

Maddy was a child of an affair, one that ended miserably. Her dad was a rich director in Los Angeles where Maddy grew up, but he was barely in her life. And then when she was eight, he raped her. Horrifically and brutally. Her mother never found out, and eventually the two of them lost their house and lived on the streets for months. She used to sell her body on the streets to make enough money for them to move into a new house while her mother was black out high. And Maddy went through every drug known to man until she got addicted to heroin at 16. When her mom found out what Maddy’s father had done, she went to him and threatened to report him. And he offered her millions of dollars if she didn’t, and offered to put Maddy through treatment. And now she was here. Her mother took money over justice, and Maddy resented her for it. She resented the world for it.

She was popular wherever she had come from. Some public school in the outer suburbs of Los Angeles. She had been a cheerleader for most of her time at high school, it was her only shot at getting out of there. But she had given all that up to get clean. Well, she had been forced to. But Maddy was like no cheerleader Justin had ever seen before. She was like those girls who would show up at house parties with no invitation from the host, and she could seduce a drink out of anyone. Maddy was beautiful. She swore almost as much as he did, but when she did, it was always worse. Her clothes every day were tiny skirts and crop tops, colourful and well made like she was some spoilt rich girl. And she was. Kind of. But Maddy’s reasons for being here were all too akin with Justin’s. Maybe not her reasons, but what had sent her to the point of being in a treatment centre. And maybe that was why they got along so well. They were the same. Nobody else in this prison knew their struggles as intimately as each other. Nobody else in their lives. It was a shocking thing to find someone who knew first hand what it was like to turn to hard drugs simply to cope. Who knew, who didn’t judge, and who wasn’t a bad person. Even living on the streets, there were other addicts. But there was no such thing as friends when you lived out there. You lived with a fear of dying, and it was a game of survival where everyone was your enemy. Even when Justin came back, nobody understood. He was a junkie. It was nice to be seen as more than that. And here, too, Justin and Maddy were judged more than others. Because the drugs that they had done were horrifying compared to what the others were doing. But it was good just to have one person who understood. It was the first time he had ever truly felt understood.

“Oh my god,” Maddy gasped, “she just ran away? Just fucking left you?” Her eyes were wide as she shovelled more candy into her mouth. “What a cunt,” she spat, her mouth full of food.

“In her defense, she thought I was running away.” Maddy made a face and shook her head.

“No, no, no, no, no. _No_.” She looked angry. “She thought you were running away, and you offered to run away with her. But instead she let you go, and left you all by yourself. Again. What the fuck?”

He shrugged. “It’s like she wanted to run away, just not with me…”

Maddy was scowling. “Moms,” she said defeatedly. “They fucking suck.” As she said it, a boy sat down beside her on the carpet, crossing his legs and looking around.

“Yeah they do,” he agreed.

Maddy’s face screwed up in annoyance. “Shut up, Scott. Your mom is amazing.” Maddy looked over at Justin. “She brings in cupcakes every time she comes to visit.”

“Aw, that’s sweet,” he agreed but Scott was frowning.

“Shut up. She’s so overbearing. I tell her she doesn’t have to come in, but she does.” He glanced at Justin for a moment. “Who is that girl that comes to visit you? She’s black, she has pretty hair, always wears skirts even when it’s really fucking cold outside.”

Justin laughed, “my girlfriend. And she’s not black, she’s brown. There is a difference.”

Maddy raised an eyebrow, “but you won’t debate the skirt thing?”

He shrugged, “she wears jeans sometimes. Just not in the last few days when she shows up.”

Scott was smirking, he looked up from his hands at the other two. “You know, you’d better be careful.”

Justin made a face. “What? Why?”

Maddy caught on and nodded in agreement. “Rarely do people who come into places like this being in love, leave it, still in love.”

“What does that mean?”

Scott lost all motivation as he explained it, “it means that your girlfriend is hot. She’s living her best life and you’re stuck in here. People only love people like us when it’s easy. When you’re in here it’s not easy to be loved. There’s the withdrawals, the depression, the mood swings, the drama. The fucking _relapses_.”

Maddy ran her tongue over her teeth and smacked her lips together. “It’s the worst kind of long distance relationship. Just wait and see. She’ll come in here with stories all about her life that you’re missing out on and it just makes you feel like shit. Because you love her, right? And now you have to live knowing that you’re a burden to her.” Maddy shrugged her shoulders. “It fucking hurts. But, it’s just how it is.”

Then Scott smiled. “But, you know, we’d love to be proved wrong.”

* * *

“Did you want some help?” Jessica looked for the source of the voice as he stood behind her. “That’s a lot of books you’re carrying.” And when she found the source, she clenched her jaw.

“I’m fine.” She tried to stand upright but ended up crouching to catch another book that fell from her arms.

“What are you studying? Rocket science?”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “What do you want Jackson? I’m busy.”

He sighed and reached out to take some books from her. “Where’s your next class, I’ll walk you.”

Eventually she let him take the books, so she was able to stand properly. With a sigh she stood up right and glowered at him. “Spanish,” she said. “Why can’t we just get fucking laptops?”

Jackson nodded as he followed her down the hallway, “I know. It’s probably cheaper anyway.”

Jessica was shaking her head, “right? It just makes sense.” They walked in silence a moment before Jackson looked over at her.

“I actually wanted to ask you something about HO,” she glanced at him but kept walking. “Did you organise the date with Bolan. You said on Tuesday you’d do it, but, I haven’t heard anything.”

Jessica’s eyes almost went to the back of her head as she groaned in frustration. “Fuck. I completely forgot.” She screwed her face up and Jackson shrunk slightly from her in intimidation. “I’ve been so busy with my exams, and with the Student Body, and just personal stuff. I will get it done, I swear.”

He gently chuckled and his calmness was enough to make her feel better. “It’s fine. Why don’t you let me handle the HO stuff, I mean I’m pretty fucking tight with Bolan. Ever since we started winning our games.” He clicked his tongue proudly, and it reminded Jessica of her boyfriend, which just further reminded her of more stressors she had to deal with right now. “And you can ace all your exams, and get the student union under control. Don’t even worry about the demonstration.”

Jessica squinted, “what’s the catch?”

He shrugged, “no catch. I just don’t think now is a time for you to be handling all this stress. I mean, I don’t even study for my exams. I can take a little stress.”

She laughed, “wait, wait, you don’t study?”

He raised an eyebrow, “you’re judging me? Seriously?”

“No,” she said defensively, “no, I’m just surprised. I thought you were like super smart.”

Jackson nodded, “oh, I am. But only enough to maintain my B average. I can pass a test with my eyes closed.”

Jessica laughed, “I get that.”

“You know, Jess,” he said, “you’re actually totally not scary at all. Like all the guys are so afraid of you but really you’re just…”

She looked at him, one of her eyebrows going up. “I’m just _what_?”

“You’re kind of normal. But you’re interesting.”

She scowled. “I’m interesting? Is this your lame attempt at flirting with me? Because it fucking sucks.”

His jaw dropped in surprise, “I was just… I’d say a lot different if I was flirting with you. I’m just trying to be your friend.”

She cocked her head. “So, you don’t think I’m intimidating?”

He smirked, “I’m the captain of the fucking football team, and I don’t think you’ve ever even been to a gym. Fuck no, I’m not intimidated. I could take you on.”

She rolled her eyes. “No, you couldn’t. Not emotionally, at least.”

“Guys are scared of you because they’re secretly pussies, and you’ve got balls. You’re a badass. They’re scared because they know you’re way too fucking good for them.” He looked over at her. “You’re too good for _all_ of them.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “Wow, you too?” They finally got to the Spanish classroom and she paused. “I’m really happy. Okay.” she sighed defeatedly, taking her books from his hands. “So next time you wanna criticise my personal life, think twice.”

He smirked, “I’m not scared of you, Davis.”

She shrugged. “Well, maybe you should be.”

* * *

“HO is a mess, and the Student Body wants to organise a Christmas carolling event, which is so stupid. And I have an exam tomorrow so I’m kinda busy. I can’t come and visit.”

Justin nodded, “that’s fine… Good luck, I guess.”

She laughed gently, “thanks, it’s fucking algebra and I’ve been studying like crazy so I hope I pass it.” She looked over at him on the bed, and she was pretty sure he wasn’t listening. “Babe?”

Taken out of his thoughts, he looked over at her. “Jess, you’re gonna be great. You’re really good at…”

“Algebra,” she finished for him. “What’s up with you? You’re all quiet.”

He shrugged, and he didn’t seem to care. “I’m just tired.”

She shook her head. “No you’re not. What’s wrong?” With a small smile he looked down at his hands in his lap, then back at her.

“I just… Do you ever feel like you’ll never be happy? Like, you imagine yourself doing all that shit people do to have fun. What it felt like to have goals when you were a kid. But you think about it now, and you feel nothing. Like no matter what you do you’ll never be happy. Do you ever feel like that?”

Jessica frowned. “I have, but I don’t anymore.” When he looked at her she tried to smile for him, to be reassuring even though the words he said broke her heart. “That feeling isn’t forever. I promise.”

“I know. It just feels like it’s forever.”

“Is it a withdrawal thing?” She asked curiously. “Depression?” He only shrugged. “It makes sense. Hard drugs that you rely on just to get by, and I assume they feel pretty good or you wouldn’t take them. And once you take that away, nothing can compare to it. Right? So life just feels pretty pointless.”

He stared at her. “Do you think it’ll ever get better?”

“I don’t know. But right now, that’s not all there is to life. There are things that are so much better than drugs. Experiences that will make you happy.”

“Like what?”

She made a face as she searched her mind for an answer. “Like… Love. Friends and family.” She shrugged her shoulders and walked over to him on the bed. “My dad always used to tell me that once you love someone they become your reason to wake up in morning. That just simply existing with them in your life is enough purpose, and enough to, like, push you to want to be happy, and search for further happiness.”

Justin laughed slightly, “your dad said that?”

Jessica nodded. “He’s a very romantic person. He buys my mom flowers every Valentines Day.”

“That’s cute,” he said. “I got you flowers once.”

She frowned. “You always change the subject.” She was standing in front of him, and he was staring up at her from the bed. “Besides, you did a lot of other shit that night so I wouldn’t say the flowers were any kind of achievement.”

He rolled his eyes. “Seriously? You’re gonna bring this up now?”

She scowled. “So now you listen to me?”

“I always listen to you. You’re the one who doesn’t fucking listen. Or care.”

Jessica was incredulous. “What the fuck does that mean?”

He raised an eyebrow. “It means you’d rather have sex than have a fucking conversation with me.”

She rolled her eyes so vividly they went into the back of her head. “Jesus, you have to be kidding me. It’s not like that. If I just wanted sex than why am I here now?” She scowled. “Not that you fucking care about anything I have to say. The last two days we sat in silence. So what’s the goddamn point?”

He shrugged. “Well… Is that the only reason you came? To fuck me?”

She scowled. “God, don’t say it like that.” Then she rolled her eyes at him. “And no, Jesus, why does _everyone_ think I just wanna fuck you.”

“So it’s okay if you say it?”

“I’m making a point, don’t be a dick.” She folded her arms and glowered at him. “Why are you shitty with me? I’m the one taking time out of my day to come and see you. Me. Not fucking Clay. Not Zach or Charlie. _Me_.” She huffed and he watched her face fall from anger to sadness. “You could be fucking grateful.”

He stared up at her, and just like that his disdain fell too. “I am grateful. And I’m sorry.” She tore her eyes from him and stared up at the ceiling, her arms still tightly crossed over her chest.

“Well, you don’t show it.” He pouted up at her, and she wouldn’t look at him.

“Jess…” He hooked his arms around her waist until she moved closer, and he was pretty sure she did it unconsciously. There was a small parting between where her black crop top ended and her skirt sat on her waist, and when he gently kissed her there she gave up on her frustration.

“I don’t think of you like that. As in, like, only sex.” She put her hands in his hair to make sure he didn’t pull away from her. “You know that, right?”

He nodded with his cheek pressed against her torso. “Yeah, I know. I was just…Being shitty.” He kissed her again, and she giggled this time. “But, you know what,” he pulled away from her slightly so that they could make eye contact as he spoke. “Fuck those people who say shit like that about us, and you. Fuck them. There are so many guys who tell their friends they’re only with a girl because of sex. So fucking many. And their friends pat them on the back and call them a hero for it. It’s crazy. It’s just a stupid fucking double standard.” She smiled slightly, and her eyes softened as she stared at him. He was pissed off, but she had never looked more in love. “Like, at the end of the day, if you’re happy then you’re _happy_. And if the other person is too, then like whose fucking business is it why you’re together? No one’s. It’s like you know the truth, and just-“

“Fuck everybody else.” She was smirking. “Yeah, I know.” She ran her fingers through his hair again and he clutched at her waist. “Are you okay?” Jessica asked him.

“I’m just tired,” he said quietly. Pulling his hands back from around her, they fell to his side on the bed.

She pressed her lips together as she looked at him, “me too,” she said. And it wasn’t a lie, but she had only said it to make him feel better. “Move over,” she requested quietly and he did. He got the message and lay down before moving until his back was against the wall and she lay beside him.

They were face to face, staring at each other. “Do you talk about me? Like, at school?” He asked.

She nodded. “I talk about you all the time. Do you talk about me?”

“Yeah,” he said, “all the fucking time.” He put his hands in her hair and ran his fingers through until it was like he was combing it. “They give me phone privileges in like two weeks. So you don’t have to come in as often, we can text.”

She pouted, “but I like seeing you in person. Texting isn’t the same.”

Quietly, he laughed, “you’d never survive a long distance relationship.”

“For you I would,” she shrugged her shoulders, “you’d make it worthwhile.” She was smiling, but he didn’t rise to the bait. It was almost as if he ignored her. Their conversation, their banter and the energy of their relationship was slowly disintegrating. But it was no one’s fault. They were both tired, and they were both living seperate lives.

“I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here.” He relaxed onto the pillow, and she pulled him closer until she was holding him in her arms.

“Me too,” she whispered. And they lay like that for the rest of her visit, and at some point they both fell asleep. It reminded Jessica of the nights when he would climb through her window and fall asleep beside her, but this wasn’t like that. Nothing about this felt romantic. It was as though something had gone from inside her. Never in her life had Jessica felt like this. She had loved him for a year now, and he had done something terrible to her, and not once had she stopped loving him. But now… Now Jessica felt like that was disappearing. That feeling when you love someone so much that you stop loving them. That you seperate yourself from them because that’s what your heart tells you is best. And God, she would do anything to be proven wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay maybe this is just my dumbassery but writing justin and jess' arguments is so fucking difficult because every time i'm like ???? they would genuinely listen to each other and apologise when called out on their shit? like no way are they fighting about her party, that's unfair and pretty dark. Like the only time they fight in s3 is like just for the Chaos, and ends with them breaking up. And the whole thing is justin being dramatic for the sake of it. and jess is like 'lets talk this through' .... UGH a (relatively) healthy couple. deserves better.


	4. Battlefield

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> battlefield by lea michele - one of the saddest and most beautiful songs i ever heard.

Maddy stood in the open door way, knocking lightly on the frame as she looked in. “Where’s your girlfriend?” She asked, but Justin could tell from the tone of her voice that she wasn’t really asking.

“Not here,” he said simply.

Maddy made a face, mocking him. “That’s the fourth time in a row. She didn’t show yesterday. Or the day before.” She cocked her head. “D’you break up or something?”

“No,” he answered offhandedly. “She’s busy.” Maddy raised a critical eyebrow, smirking as if there was some kind of double meaning. “Please don’t start,” he told her tiredly.

Maddy’s eyes rolled flippantly, “sure, I’ll keep quiet.” She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the door frame. “Here you are in rehabilitation for a drug addiction she caused–“

He looked up at her, glaring. “Maddy,” he warned, “don’t fucking start.” She put her hands up in surrender, and casually walked into the room. Maybe she was the only person in the world who wasn’t intimidated when he used that tone. Well, between her and Jessica.

“Here you are, and she’s off doing God knows what. Or should I say God knows _who_.” She smirked. “After she promised she’d come by every day.”

He shrugged, “it doesn’t bother me,” he said. “And why are you even in here?”

“Yeah,” Henry said from the other side of the room, “why _are_ you in here?”

Maddy rolled her eyes. “Shut up Henry. You’re not a part of this conversation.” She looked back at Justin and widened her eyes. “You sure you don’t wanna come with us? We’re going to the park. One of the nurses is taking us.”

He looked bored of her, “didn’t you go yesterday?”

Maddy shrugged, “yeah, so? Just come with us. Don’t be a pussy.” When he didn’t react, she frowned. “What? You gonna wait for your girlfriend to abandon you again?” She walked up to the bed and yanked the pillow out from underneath where he was sitting. “You,” she whacked him over the head with the pillow, “are a fucking dumbass.”

He only laughed, “right. Okay. Why?” He took the pillow back and shoved it to the other side of the bed where she couldn’t reach. “Why am I a dumbass, _and_ a pussy.”

Maddy rolled her eyes vividly and emphatically. “I said you _are_ a dumbass, and you’re gonna _be_ a pussy if you don’t come.” Then she shrugged, wandering around the room, knowing it would piss Henry off. “And to answer your question, you’re a dumbass because she’s not coming. She didn’t come all week. She’s moving on, and good for her! What did Scott and I tell you? If you spend your time in here holding on to someone who is out there living, then you’re never gonna get better. She’s gonna break your heart… you’re wasting your time.”

“ _I’m_ wasting my time? The nurse said you’ve relapsed like five times this year.”

Henry scoffed, “you’re both wasting your time. Everybody knows people like _you_ never get better.”

Maddy’s head snapped around as she glared. “you’re such a cunt.”

Henry smiled. “Oh, you’re so classy Madeline.”

Justin rolled his eyes and gave in. “Fine, I’ll fucking go.” He stood up before glancing over at Henry on the opposite side of the room. “And she’s right, you are a cunt.”

Henry made a face. “She’s the cunt. She’s a fucking bitch.” But Justin and Maddy walked out of the room rather than respond. Yeah, Maddy was obnoxious and loud. And she was nosy and opinionated. But she wasn’t a bad person. Justin thought she was fun, and exciting. He liked her, even though he could see the worst parts of himself in her.

“So you’re coming with?” Maddy was grinning ear to ear. He managed to shrug, and it felt like that was all he did anymore. He had no real opinions. Whatever happened happened.

“I guess. I hated sitting around waiting for Jess. Only for her to fucking ditch me.”

Maddy scoffed a laugh, “you sound like a whiny fucking girl.” She clapped her hands in front of his face, making sure he was paying attention to her. “She’s busy. She has a fucking life. It ain’t that deep.” She shrugged. “Let her have her life. Don’t be bitter about it. You’re not living anymore. Time stops for us, in places like this, but it goes on for everyone else. Don’t hold that against her.”

He furrowed his brow at her, kind of entertained by it, “why do you care so much about my personal life?”

“Because I was in your position. And I got cheated on. And I went through a whole fucking lot. When I got out my boyfriend had fucked the entire school, and I was the last to know.” She rolled her eyes. “Don’t let that be you.”

He scoffed, “it won’t. Jessica’s not like that.”

Maddy smirked at him, “you think she’s above cheating? I thought my boyfriend was the same. The fucking football captain. He had the best grades in our class. He was so sweet to me. And he told me that we’d be together forever.” She clicked her tongue. “No, he never broke up with me. He just fucked half the school while I was in here. And he came running right back as if nothing had happened. Then he told me he did it because he had needs. ‘Needs’ my ass. Men ain’t shit.”

Justin stared at her. “Did you break up after that?”

Maddy smirked. “Yeah… After I fucked the girl he was secretly seeing behind my back. She was ugly though, it was purely for revenge.” Justin laughed, and let her have that. It was fair revenge.

“Nice one,” he said. “But I trust Jessica.”

“It’s not about trust,” Maddy told him seriously. “It’s about the fact that people like us don’t get better straight away. No way. It takes time. And we can’t be functioning human beings until that happens. Don’t take this the wrong way but… Your girlfriend is wasting her time loving someone that may never get better, and it’s the ugly truth.”

* * *

“Finally,” Maddy exclaimed, she gestured to the wide open space around them. “You get to see the park.” She shook her hands so that Justin would look at the miles of green grass around them.

He turned to Scott, “why is she so excited about this?”

Scott only shrugged. “Girls are weird,” he said, sighing dramatically. With a pout, Maddy waved away Scott’s comment and rolled her eyes.

“Come on,” she urged, “we have an hour. Let’s fucking go.” She clapped her hands and they both gave in and started walking with her.

“Where are we going?” Justin asked her as they followed the path that snaked around the green paddock.

“Wherever,” Maddy told him. “Tell me, would you rather walk the grounds of that rehab centre?” Before he could answer she answered for him. “No, of course not.”

He frowned. “But I thought we weren’t allowed to leave. That was like… the rule. The _main_ rule.”

“That’s true,” Maddy said with a smile. “But, my rapist– I mean father– pays this place a little extra cash,” she rubbed her fingers together to make the point, “on the side so I can do what I want.”

“Why would he do that?” Justin asked her.

She shrugged nonchalantly, “cause he knows if he doesn’t the cops find out everything.”

Scott smirked before adding, “and the front page news headlines. His career would never recover.” Maddy nodded with pride in her fool proof plan.

“I get whatever the fuck I want.” Then she rolled her eyes. “But that rehab centre, it doesn’t care about you, or your wellbeing. It just wants your money. It wants to profit off your misery.”

“She’s being dramatic,” Scott said, staring at his feet as they walked. “Plenty of people get out, and get healthy.” He looked over at Justin with sincerity. “You’re gonna get out, and you’re gonna be okay.”

Justin stared back, feeling disheartened, “but how do you know that?”

“I just do,” Scott said.

“Look,” Maddy said, “if Scott thinks you can get clean for good, then you can. Because Scott hates everybody.”

He made a face, “I don’t hate everybody,” he said defensively. “Everybody is just awful, and I don’t put up with that shit.”

Justin smirked, “but, you put up with Maddy?” Furrowing her brow, Maddy elbowed him and he laughed. “I’m joking.” She flicked her black hair over her shoulder and folded her arms.

“Why don’t we talk about your love life some more, then?” She asked.

“Didn’t you exhaust that topic on the drive here?” Scott asked with a sigh. “I don’t want to hear about straight people’s drama for the rest of the day. Okay?”

“No, not okay,” Maddy said. “What’s your take on this?”

“I don’t want his opinion,” Justin said, “I didn’t even want yours.” With a wave of her hand, she gestured for him to be quiet.

“I don’t have a take,” Scott said with boredom.

“You always have a take,” Maddy said. “You always give good advice.”

“I give the same advice,” Scott deadpanned, “every time you ask.”

Justin was curious. “What’s the advice?”

Scott looked him dead in the eye and raised an eyebrow. “Go gay.”

Justin shrugged, “well, it’s not bad advice.”

“Right,” Maddy agreed.

Scott sighed. “Fine, you want my advice?”

Maddy went wide eyed as Justin frowned. “Yes!”

“No.” But his disdain was swallowed up by Maddy’s enthusiasm.

“I think your girlfriend is great. I talked to her last week, and she seems really cool. Like _so_ cool. But she’s also like… Way too good for you.”

“I told you I don’t wanna–“

“Just listen,” Scott said, “just shut up and listen.” Justin sighed and let him go on. “You’ve been here for nearly three weeks, right? And you’re still not properly clean. I wouldn’t trust you not to keeping shooting up. Not whatsoever. After three weeks she stopped showing up. And it’s not because she doesn’t love you. It is possible to love people and still let them go because the time isn’t right. You haven’t stopped talking about her since you got here. And it’s not healthy because it’s like a dependance.”

“What do you mean a dependance? I’m fine.”

“No,” Scott said, “you don’t get it. My therapist told me when I detoxed from ice that when you’re, like, fucking around and getting clean, your head looks for the next best high. The next best thing. And people can be drugs. Really fucking addictive drugs. And you fixate on them, and like every addiction, it gets too much and it drives you insane.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “My relationship is not like that.”

“Not yet,” Maddy added.

“Exactly,” Scott told him. “You started using heroin and I’m sure it felt pretty fucking good at first, so did seeing your girlfriend. But then it becomes a dependance. You wake up at 2am and you got the shakes because you need to get that shit in your fucking veins. Here, it’s like, she misses a few days and you don’t know what she’s doing out there. She could be fucking everybody. She could be depressed. Suicidal. Dating someone else. She could leave tomorrow, and you’d never know.” Justin rolled his eyes again and Scott was dead serious. He rolled up the sleeves of his shirt, making them all stop in the pathway. He held out his arm and it was covered in scars, white thin lines all over. He had two rubber bands on each wrist. He lifted them a little and Justin saw the thick white lines over his wrists. “The ones on my arms are from where I used to peel my skin off, and scratch at it from all the meth I did. The others are from when I wanted to die because my boyfriend didn’t show one day. I thought he didn’t love me, but it was because his mom was in the hospital and I was out of my fucking mind because he was the only thing keeping me sane.” Scott stared at Justin. “Don’t let that become you. I was lucky they found me in time.”

“I found him,” Maddy said with a frown. “It was me. Not those fucking nurses.” As she remembered that night, Justin could see tears in her eyes. “Don’t make have to find _you_.”

Justin nodded, he didn’t know what to say. “I won’t. I promise.”

Maddy’s frown turned to a smirk. “You think I trust the word of a junkie?” With a small smile, he rolled his eyes at her.

They walked around the whole park, making it back to where they started, and where the nurse waited for them, in exactly 60 minutes. Maddy listed off all the movies she had never seen as a child, that when she told people they gasped in surprise. Scott tried to explain how gay sex worked, and then Maddy got involved and tried to explain lesbian sex. It was all very crude, and Justin stopped listening pretty early on, only because his mind was still stuck on what Scott had said, and how Justin thought maybe he was right. Maybe Jessica would be better off without him, and maybe he’d be better off without her. He couldn’t tell her like that though. She would just insist that she loved him, and that she cared too much to let him go through this alone.

When they got to the nurse again after an hour, she told him that Jessica had shown up at the centre today, and he had missed her. And from the way his heart dropped completely, and how much guilt he felt simply from that one miscommunication, he realised Scott was right. Something needed to change.

* * *

When she wrapped her arms around him this time, it didn’t feel the same. There was something distant about him, Jessica wasn’t sure what it was. But she knew he felt it too. It was like he didn’t want to be holding her. She had never felt like that before. When she pulled back she tried to salvage the encounter, she smiled warmly and held his face in her hands so he would look at her. It always made him smile, and it did this time too.

“I missed you yesterday,” she said, standing with him in the centre of his room. “And all the days before.”

He smiled at her gently. “I’m sorry. I went somewhere with Maddy. If I had known you were–“

“It’s fine,” she assured him. “It’s totally fine.”

He stared around, trying to change the subject. “How was your, uh, exam and stuff?”

Frowning, she shrugged. “Yeah, I didn’t get to study as much as I would have liked to. But, I mean, I passed for sure. Just not my best exam.”

He matched her shrug and waved away the whole thing. “Oh well, you’ll ace the rest of them. For sure.”

She smiled gently, “I hope so.”

“A few okay results don’t matter. You’re so fucking smart. And you’re the Head of the Student Body, _and_ you created HO. What fucking college wouldn’t want you?” The corners of her lips turned up and she kissed him lightly. But, she felt him barely kiss her back. She pulled away with a frown and stared at him.

“What’s wrong? Did I do something?” Her wide eyes blinked in concern like an innocent child.

He shook his head. “No, never.” But he didn’t sound sure. “Jess… We need to talk.” She blinked at him, then with a smile she wiggled her shoulders.

“Yeah,” she said in a musical tone, “that’s why I’m here.” He didn’t laugh like she thought he would. Like he usually did.

“Jess,” he said, seriously. Like he was telling her to stop. He wasn’t joking around. But she didn’t want to talk about this. Maybe that was why she had stayed away this week. She feared the day this would come. God, no, she didn’t want to break up with him, or anything like that. But this wasn’t working. Something had to change. Just not right now.

“What?” She pouted, reaching up to hook her arms around his neck. “Come on, I’ve had a shitty week. Can we do this later?” He glanced over to the wall, considering, then he looked back.

“Okay,” he gave in quietly. “Why was it shitty?”

“Just was,” she said. “Why does school have to be so stressful? It’s fucking insane.”

He frowned, “yeah, it sucks.” She leaned in and kissed him once lightly.

“Sucks even more without you.”

He smiled at her, “so how do you spend your thirds now?”

She shrugged playfully, “Jackson and I usually do HO stuff, or I study.”

“You and Jackson, huh?” He smirked. “Okay, answer once and for all, is he a better kisser than I am? There’s been a competition since we were fourteen.”

Jessica cocked her head, “I wouldn’t know,” she said. “But I’m sure it’s you.”

He nodded, “it’s true. We confirmed it in the ninth grade with Hailey Martin. She left Liberty after that. Bryce called her a slut and they bullied her for it until she left.” He shrugged, and Jessica only watched him. “She was really nice.”

Jessica laughed, “it’s funny. All your stories about Bryce used to be about the crazy shit you did together. Now it’s almost always negative.”

He shrugged like he had no good answer. “Perspective,” was all he said, then gestured with a nod to the centre they were standing in. “And a heap of therapy.” It made her laugh. “How’s your kitten doing? Has he grown since I last saw?” Jessica laughed gently, she pulled her phone from her back pocket and went into her photos as he watched her.

“He’s still cute, and small.” She handed her phone over to him. “He’s been pretty crazy. My mom looks after him most of the time now, I don’t really see him cause I’m so busy. With school, and stuff, you know?” She shrugged. “But he sits in my lap when I’m studying in bed. And he’s so cuddly.”

Smiling, he handed the phone back to her. “He’s still fucking adorable.” She shoved it back in her pocket and grinned. “Well, if you screw any more tests, you always have a career in kitten photography.” When she laughed he had to defend himself, gesturing. “What? It has to be an industry. You can sell it online, like porn.”

She giggled, “did you just compare kittens to sex?” He hesitated, and then laughed when he realised that he had just done that. “You’re so strange.” She was smiling as she bit her bottom lip. Jessica leaned in and kissed him again, and he kissed her back this time. That made her smile. He put his arms around her and pulled her closer until they were pressed against each other. She kissed him again, and again, and she didn’t think she ever wanted to stop. Was it wrong for her to say she missed sex? Selfish, perhaps? No. Because she missed him from the moment he left, and she missed sex as of two weeks ago when she was stressed out over HO and her only relief was a hot chocolate from Monet’s, that Justin didn’t even make for her. So that meant she had to pay for it herself. Which was _not_ cool.

But it had been nearly three weeks since he’d left, and Jessica hadn’t gone that long without sex in a long time. Well, a long time for someone whose boyfriend was that cute, and that reckless enough to sneak into her bedroom at 2am because she was ‘feeling the stress and needed an outlet’ which he knew was code for sex. He invented that code last year during summer school. Just thinking about it made her giggle.

“Oh my god,” Maddy gasped from the doorway, “she’s wearing pants!”

Jessica pulled away from her boyfriend and glanced at the doorway, “hey Maddy,” she called.

“Scott,” Maddy called out, “you have to see this.” Scott came running over and his eyes were wide as he spotted Jessica.

“Holy shit, she does own pants.”

Jessica gave him a sarcastic smile. “Hi Scott.”

He grinned. “Hey Jess. How are you?” Then he addressed the situation of the room. “God, Maddy, did you interrupt them again?”

She shrugged and sauntered into the room. “They’re finished now. I just really wanted to ask a favour of Jess.” She smiled sweetly as she stepped closely to Jessica’s face. “Next time you come, do you think you could sneak us some weed?”

Jessica’s brow furrowed and she looked from Maddy to Justin, then back. “No,” she said as if it was some kind of trick question. “I don’t even know where to get it.” That was a lie, she kind of did, if she was desperate. She knew of some of the dealers at Liberty, but that was only through Justin. Not that she was going to bring recovering drug addicts any drugs whatsoever, even if it was just weed.

“Come on,” Maddy urged her, “it’s not hard. That drug does more good than bad.” Then she leaned in even closer. “It’s not like I’m asking for heroin.” Jessica stared at her a moment, trying to decide if it was a joke or not.

Before she could respond, Justin scoffed, “Maddy, leave her alone.” With an overt eye roll, Maddy backed away and walked out the door with Scott following in tow. “I’m sorry,” he said, “she’s just…” He shrugged, he had no answer.

“It’s fine,” Jessica assured him. “She doesn’t really seem like…um…someone you should trust.”

He tilted his head. “What does that mean?” Jessica bit her lip, now she couldn’t say it. She didn’t want to offend him. And what she was about to say was definitely not going to go down well.

“Nothing. I’m just being paranoid.” Jessica shrugged her shoulders casually. “They both seem, uh, weird. But sweet.” She went to kiss him again, but he stopped her.

“Can we talk now?” His eyes were wide like he was begging her this time. That look always made her heart melt. “Please?”

She nodded, “yeah, we can talk. What’s wrong?” When he didn’t respond straight away she started to get concerned. Their conversation had practically assured her that whatever he wanted to talk about, she had no need to worry. Now she was worried. Drawing her arms back from around his neck, they were standing seperate again.

He stared down at the ground. “Jess…” He bit his lip. “Jess… I think we should take a break.” He eventually met her eyes, and they stared at each other for a moment as she tried to register it in her mind. Of course she knew it was coming, but it was different when the words actually came out of his mouth.

“Do you mean like… actually break up?” She asked hesitantly. “Like you’re not my boyfriend, and I’m not–“

“No,” he shook his head, “I mean that…” His expression scrunched up as he tried to verbalise it. “Like, we just pause for a bit.” He shrugged. “You can do your HO, and your exams, and you don’t have to come here so often. We can just text. But…” He bit his lip. “If you go to like a party and you meet someone, I don’t wanna be the one who holds you back.”

Her brow furrowed. “Holds me back? You don’t hold me back.”

He stared around the room, anywhere but at her. “Jess, this is your chance to live your fucking life, and I don’t want to hold you back from that. You could meet someone who is so much better for you than I am, and if you gave that up for me… I’d hate myself.”

Jessica shook her head. “What does this break mean for you?”

“I don’t know. It means I can focus on this place better. Instead of on you.” Jessica looked at the floor, then back up at him.

“So I can wait for you?” She asked.

“You could be waiting for years. So, I’d rather you didn’t.”

With tears in her eyes, she blinked to clear them. “So this _is_ a break up?”

“I said _could_. But it could also be a month, or two.” He shrugged. “I just mean… don’t wait for me.” That was when she had the urge to ask him something she never thought she would have to. Do you not love me anymore? But she wasn’t that needy. She had been once, but now she knew he loved her no matter what. Jessica thought that maybe he loved her too much, and that was where their relationship faltered.

There was a different kind of love. She loved him so much that she could see past his flaws, and his mistakes. It didn’t matter to her that he had done more drugs than she could fathom, or that he had lived on the streets, or that he had been to juvie for a crime she was a victim of. And if she listed those things off to anybody else they would tell her to run far away from him. That he was nothing but trouble. And Justin saw it the same way. She could see that now. He saw himself as a burden, and she found it strange. He had never thought that when they were dating in secret. That had never been an issue. But now it was. Now that it was real, it was scary. Because he loved her but he hated himself. He didn’t trust himself to get better, and he didn’t trust himself not to ruin her life simply by being in it.

“So this is what you want?” She clarified quietly. He nodded. “Okay,” she said. “We can take a break then.”

He nodded his head, looking down. “Cool.”

“You can, uh, text me when you want me to visit you. I’ll come by when I can.” She went to kiss him but he stopped her. He moved back to avoid her, and their faces were left extremely close. Her eyes went wide as she stared at him, she frowned. There was an ache in her chest that made her want to cry. But she wasn’t going to. He was right that this would be good for them. Wasn’t he right? Now she had time to focus on HO and her exams. He could focus on getting better. And if he wanted to be with her maybe it would encourage him to work for it. He wouldn’t get distracted. She could work with that. It was for his wellbeing. It wasn’t about her.

She sighed. “Well, I guess I should go.” Pulling away she saw his expression was blank. “Since the sight of you just makes me angry now.”

He stared at his feet. “Jess, I’m sorry.”

She shrugged. “Yeah, whatever.” She wanted him to say it. He always said it. Well, he had always said it for the first two weeks she came. He hadn’t last time, and if he didn’t this time she thought her heart might tear itself into two. They stared at each other for a second before she turned and started for the door. She took two steps before he spoke again, and she got her hopes up for the words she wanted to hear.

“Wait, Jess…” She didn’t mean to turn back as quickly as she did, her eyes wide with hope. “I’ll text you when I get my phone.”

Jessica didn’t even care to hide her disinterest. “Whatever,” she mumbled. “Bye,” and she wandered right out of the room. She signed herself out in the guest book. And she went right to her car where she just cried. As she drove home it felt like there was rain pouring down on her windshield but it was just her tears. She thought about what that therapist would say. The one she went to see once because her dad forced her.

This was good. They were on a break, which meant Jessica could explore her options. Jesus, she rolled her eyes at that. Explore her options, what was she? Some girl in college who wanted to experiment with her sexuality? No, but maybe the therapist in her head was right. She had dated Alex for a few months straight out of those five months of terror, and when that hadn’t worked she went right back to Justin. No hesitation. She just did. And that was great but, maybe this would be it. The final proof that she loved him, and that she would choose him every time over even the one person everybody thought was perfect for her. Which was… Who, exactly?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi please give me validation. i got 0 comments on the last two chaps - i am but a poor girl in social isolation asking for just a love heart emoji in the comments bro. i wanna seem cool because this story is flopping, idk what happened to my usual readers.


	5. Consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry. for this. it is quite depressing. at least the second part is.
> 
> consequences by camila cabello (this song? istg it was written about them ugh my heearttt)

It was two days before Jessica texted him. She sent him a picture of their– now just her– kitten. He didn’t respond. She hadn’t cried since the drive home which she put down to simply her avoidance of the entire thing. She hadn’t really thought about it. Until Monday at school when Clay had walked right up to her locker with his eyes wide like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Not that he saw anything other than Jessica shoving her bag full of books.

“Jess, did you guys break up?” He asked her in shock.

“Shut up,” she hissed, glancing around to see if anyone heard him. “We’re taking a break. It’s not that serious.” At least she hoped it wasn’t.

“I…” He leaned in, confused. “Is that not a break up? I’m sorry, I don’t–“

“It’s complicated,” she said harshly. “I hate the term complicated but that’s what he wants. You just don’t understand.”

Clay nodded, “you’re right. I don’t understand.” He shrugged his shoulders, leaning away from the seriousness the topic and into a goodnatured conversation. “I used to wanna date but seeing you guys… I think I’m just gonna see how the single life goes.” She knew he was joking, but she didn’t appreciate his attempt at making her laugh.

“Clay, I promise you that no relationship you get into will be as big of a shit storm as the one I’m in.”

He frowned. “You guys were so happy together.”

“We still are,” Jessica insisted, “it’s just… That this is what he wants.” She slammed her locker door shut and Clay waited for her to say something more. She didn’t.

“I saw him yesterday,” Clay said. “He seemed different.” Somehow he got the hint that Jessica wanted this to be a private conversation, and no names were to be dropped.

“Yeah, he has for a while,” she deadpanned.

“No,” Clay told her honestly, “no, it was different. He seemed… Angry.”

Jessica squinted, “what’d he do?” Justin had rarely been volatile, or aggressive. When he was angry he just shut down. He wouldn’t talk to her, or anybody. And she liked that better than having a boyfriend who she was afraid would scream at her for things out of her control. Because at least when he went quiet, she could draw it out him rather easily. Jessica didn’t like being afraid of people, not after what had happened to her, and she especially didn’t like being afraid of someone she was in love with.

“He was just snarky.”

Jessica smirked, “snarky? What, like, he called you an asshole again?”

Clay rolled his eyes. “No, he just asked me to leave after twenty minutes and he didn’t even want to talk about the break up. As soon as I asked about you, he just told me he didn’t feel like talking anymore.” 

Jessica shrugged, “yeah, well. I wouldn’t blame him. We only broke up three days ago.”

“Did you wanna talk about it? You seem… Sad.”

She stared at him for a moment, weighing up her options. “No.” And so she walked off, but she appreciated him asking. Jessica had decided to treat this like a break up for real, with the hope that Justin would text her back and apologise, but so far he hadn’t. The day had gone as normal, and she gave nothing away so as to let the news slip. Nobody could know that she got dumped. Well, it wasn’t dumping exactly. What was it? See, that’s why she couldn’t talk about it. She didn’t know what was going on in her own life. But Zach found out during History class, and he had never been a fan of keeping his voice low.

“Wait, what? You guys are…Splitsville?”

Jessica gave him a side eyed glare. “Don’t say that. No one says that.”

“I’m serious, Jess,” he insisted, “I saw him last week and he seemed fine. Now you guys are broken up. What changed?”

Jessica shrugged. “Beats me. He wanted to break up. So we did.”

“Is it like last time?” Zach asked her curiously, not letting on too much so the people around them were kept in the dark.

“No. This was different.” She drew her lip through her front teeth and let it go to quiver as she pondered the question for real. “I don’t wanna talk about it, Zach.” He leaned in until she could see his face through the pyramid gap between her elbow and her head in her hands.

“Did you want me to go yell at him for you?”

With a small appreciative smile she shook her head. “No, I think it’ll be okay.”

“Are you, like, sad?”

Jessica shrugged. “It’s complicated.”

His face screwed up. “How?”

With an emphatic sigh, Jessica turned her head toward him, her eyebrows raised. “Because Zach. He’s broken my heart a million fucking times. I’m used to it now.” If anyone had actually been keeping score, Jessica was pretty sure he had broken her heart around seven times. Some worse than others, but she was making a point here. Zach understood that.

“Want me to go punch him for you?” He asked jokingly.

She shook her head. “No. I’m not mad, and he didn’t do anything wrong.” She turned back to the notebook she was scribbling in. “I think the break up might do some good. I think society just programs girls to think their lives revolve around boys, and that break ups are the worst thing ever.” She scoffed, her scowl mocking him. “And I was raped, so I know a little something about true pain.” That was always an easy way to end a conversation, and it was true. She knew what a real setback was. There was more to life than boys and sex. Things like drug addictions, and recovery. Jessica had sacrificed a lot for her own recovery. It wasn’t anything surprising to her that Justin now got to do the same. She could love him from a distance, and she could move on like she had often expected he would have. But sometimes things just had a way of working out.

It took until Wednesday before Jessica accidentally let the news slip that they had broken up. It was humiliating only because she heard that multiple people in their class had bets on how long the relationship would last. Nobody really understood the difficulty of dating someone in rehabilitation. So, depending on the theories, either one of them looked bad at this point. But who cares, right? Because by Wednesday, Jessica was over it. She was starting to see that maybe Justin was right. Separation would do her some good. It was nice to flirt with someone who didn’t know exactly what she looked like when she was sick, or crying. It was nice to know that boys were actually willing to date her, after she had herself convinced that was not possible with how outspoken she was to them. Yes, the boys were cute, and yes they were nice to her. But she wasn’t looking to date anybody. She wasn’t over Justin, and compared to him nobody else was that fun, or that interesting, or that cute. She liked the freedom of knowing she could though. The things she was learning about herself.

The biggest downsides were that she had to start shaving her legs again, which she hadn’t planned to do over the winter since she wasn’t going to be wearing skirts and she wasn’t going to be having sex with her boyfriend. But now she had to start shaving again which sucked. The other downside, and more upsetting one, was that she no longer felt safe. And maybe that was a side effect of being raped, or maybe it was a side effect of having been in a relationship for so long, but she was afraid. There was a certain comfort to sex with someone who knew your body and what you liked, even before the trauma. Now she was on a blank slate, or she would be, if she had sex with someone. They were on a break, and while she didn’t especially want to have sex with someone else, she knew that she could. If she really wanted to. Justin knew what he had done when they broke up. He knew the consequences, and she could trust him not to take back his word and accuse her of cheating. Maybe she would like it if he was jealous, or even a little sad. But she didn’t want to hurt him. She just wanted all their relationship problems to go away, but they couldn’t.

By Thursday she texted Justin again, asking how he was, and he left her on read. But she felt like it was her fault for even asking. She should have just asked Clay. She also had a late shift at the Crestmont that afternoon. Which she had thought would take her mind off Justin, and the break up, but only managed to make it worse. When she worked behind the counters it just reminded her of when Justin would hang out with her while she was working. When she would have to hand out popcorn and he would hide behind the counter with her so no one could see him. Or when boys would flirt with her and Justin would laugh from beside her as she gently told them she wasn’t looking to date right now. And then when they were gone he would mock them.

She remember one late night when she was working, and a group of boys from Hillcrest wouldn’t leave her alone. It was the last film of the night and when it ended the boys all crowded around the counter as one especially confident boy tried to ask her out.

“Come on,” he urged her, running a hand through his blonde hair and giving her a sickening smile. “You won’t regret it.”

“Yeah,” another agreed, standing behind him, “you gotta say yes.”

Nervously, Jessica shook her head. Staring between all of them on the other side of the counter. “Uh, no.” She didn’t even say no thank you. She wasn’t grateful. She didn’t want to be polite. They didn’t deserve it.

“What do you mean ‘no’? You don’t think I’m cute?” The guy asked her. Jessica quickly glanced to the left of her, where the counter stopped and if the boys wanted to come closer to her, they could. There was no one around.

“Please leave me alone,” she said, practically begging them. She glanced down beside her, something she tried to avoid doing because to Jessica it felt really good knowing that she could fight her own battles. But this one was too much. She and Justin made immediate eye contact from where he was sitting at her feet. It was like he was waiting for permission to interrupt. And that was her giving him permission.

With an eye roll, Justin stood up and sighed. “All right,” he said in exasperation, turning to face to the group of boys. “It’s time for you to go.” They all went wide eyed, staring around.

“What are you–“

Justin only scowled. “How about just get the fuck out.” And they did. So when they were finally out of earshot, Jessica turned and thanked him. But he only shrugged. “It’s fine. What fucking assholes, though.”

Now at the Crestmont, everything reminded her of him. She wanted to forget, like he so obviously had forgotten her. She kept her phone on her all shift, and he never responded. If he had just responded with a ‘Good’ then maybe she wouldn’t be hung up on it. But he was ignoring her, and that hurt. That hurt more than the actual break up. And yes she kept calling it a break up because then she could assure herself that it wasn’t nearly as bad as she thought. Taking a break was a notch in the road to actually breaking up. And Jessica’s mind was already there. But Friday afternoon was when everything changed.

“So…” Jackson drawled, folding papers in the empty HO classroom. “How you doing? Did he text you back?”

“No,” Jessica said with a frown. “He left me on read.”

Jackson made a face. “What a dick.” And Jessica only huffed under her breath. “Did you wanna talk about it?”

With a groan, she rolled her eyes. “Why does everybody ask me that?” Jackson chuckled and his eyes stayed on the pamphlets they were both folding for the Christmas Concert. “It’s the last day of school for, like, three weeks. That’s all I wanna think about.”

“Got any plans for Christmas, or just the break?”

She shrugged. “Not much. Just family stuff… Justin and I were supposed to go to–“ She shook her head. “Never mind.”

Jackson pressed his lips together and glanced at her. “Shitty of him to do this now. He’s a dumbass for ever letting you go.” Jessica looked over from the side of her eye at him beside her.

“That’s sweet,” she said. “But, he’s not that at all. He did nothing wrong.”

“Yeah he did,” Jackson insisted, “when you supposedly love someone, you fight to keep them. Fuck everybody else, and what anybody thinks. If you really love someone, you don’t break their heart. Ever.”

Jessica smiled. “Have you ever had your heart broken?”

He nodded. “Ninth grade. Hailey Martin. I thought I was in love with her, but she broke up with me.”

Jessica bit her lip. “For Justin?” He raised an eyebrow at her. “Yeah, he told me the story.”

“Did he also tell you how he bullied her out of Liberty for telling people he was poor?”

She shook her head. “I know him. He would never do that.”

“Well,” Jackson said with a shrug, “I’ve always been pretty jealous of him to be honest. He had everything. Everybody at Liberty liked him, every girl liked him, the basketball coach used to think he was just the fucking best, he was invited to every fucking party… He even had you. His life was fucking perfect.” Jackson scoffed. “And he gave all that shit up for Bryce fucking Walker and a heroin addiction.”

She sighed, “Jackson–“ There was so much she wanted to say. So much she could have told him, but if this was how Jackson Moore knew Justin, then chances were Justin never wanted anybody to know what he went through behind closed doors. She was pretty sure even Zach didn’t know. Or Alex. At least not the full extent. Just her and Clay now.

“Come on, Jess. You’ve been through way too much shit to keep putting up with him. You’re fucking perfect, and you deserve someone the same.”

She smiled, even though she didn’t want to. “You think I’m perfect? I’m not perfect.”

“I think you’re as close as it gets. You could be anything you want to be. If you were mine, I’d do fucking anything for you.” Jessica placed down the pamphlets in a pile and stepped away from the bench.

Smiling, she bit her lip. “Really?” They were staring at each other, and Jessica felt like all of her surroundings were disappearing. She didn’t care. But he was cute, and he was so nice to her. His eyes were so sweet, and among the brown she could swear there was a shade of green in them. His skin looked so soft. She just wanted someone to make her feel good.

“Of course,” he said, “I’ve never seen anybody in my life as pretty as you.” Her heart sped up. Jesus. She didn’t know why she was doing this. Did anybody ever really know why they did anything? Jessica didn’t. With her palms flat on his chest, she pushed him back until he hit the side of the table, then she smashed her lips to his. He kissed her back immediately, like he had expected it the whole time.

She pulled away a little and looked Jackson in the eye. “Do you wanna have sex? In here? With me?”

He grinned, “yes, I fucking do.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “Two rules. No talking. And we do what I want. Okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Okay.” She went right back to kissing him, but why was there this crushing ache in the pit of her stomach?

* * *

After Jessica had left the centre on Friday afternoon, Maddy and Scott had quietly slipped into Justin’s room. Their faces were solemn as they crept over to him where he stood in the middle of the room, exactly where Jessica had left him.

“Shit,” Maddy said gently, coming to stand beside him. “That was… Good of you. To do.”

Justin only shrugged. “Yeah, I don’t know.” He shook his head. “It didn’t go how I wanted it to go.”

Staring around the room, the corners of Scott’s lips turned up. “How did you expect it to go?” He was confused. “I thought it went well.”

Justin stared out the small window across from him. “She didn’t say she loved me.” Maddy and Scott exchanged compassionate glances before looking back at him.

“People don’t always say how they feel,” Scott told him. “You didn’t say it.” Justin thought that was a valid point.

“She didn’t sound,” Maddy told him carefully, “like she doesn’t love you. She sounded like she loves you a lot. She just didn’t want to disrespect what you wanted.”

Scott nodded in agreement, “that’s like… true fucking love, dude. If she ran out of here screaming and crying, cursing you for breaking her heart, I’d be telling you to let her go but… She didn’t.” Scott and Maddy both exchanged smiles. “I have to say, I’m gonna miss her coming by. We have all the same Drag Race opinions.”

“Yeah,” Maddy said with a smirk, “now we only get to see Clay. He’s so uptight. He always looks at me like I’m asking him to fuck.”

That made Justin laugh. “That’s so true,” he said.

“Leave him alone,” Scott complained. “Society has programmed middle class white people to see any kind of drug addict as a waste of space. It’s like we’re criminals to them, and the media tells them that we’re worthless. And so, it takes a lot to change the way they’re raised. It’s like the way the patriarchy instills internalised misogyny into girls from a young age…” Then he looked at Maddy with a shrug. “And let’s not forget that you’re a pretty Latina. No one would look at you and think you did heroin. I’m sure he’s just intimidated.” He stopped speaking and it went silent for a second before Maddy and Justin burst into laughter.

Maddy rolled her eyes playfully, “are you _still_ taking those feminist criminology classes, Scott?” Shyly, he nodded.

“Well,” Justin said, “I think that’s pretty fucking cool.”

Scott smiled. “Thank you!” He turned a look to Maddy, as if to say, see, he likes it.

On Sunday Clay came to visit, as he did every few days. Usually it was just to drop off homework and fill Justin in on what was happening at home, which wasn’t much. Jessica had always been the one with stories about school or home. The one who had more to talk about than Ani, comic books and whatever the robotics team were building for the Christmas Concert. So, as Clay talked and talked about meaningless things, Justin thought more and more about Jessica. Which Maddy and Scott had warned him not to do. But Clay just kept talking. It was as though he was terrified to stop, as though if he did, he’d be stuck with a bunch of fucked up teenagers for the rest of his life. As though silence would consume him, and he would be infected by them. There was part of Justin who thought that was stupid, Clay was just awkward and he’d never been in a rehab, or around people like the ones in here. But there was also a part of him that hated himself enough to think that Clay did too. And then he thought that maybe Jessica did too. Because when you’re in a building day after day filled with depressed broken teenagers, the truth doesn’t matter anymore. You’d do anything to feel the self pity everybody else felt, and he had a lot of it ready to be felt. Building up over years and now he had no outlet. No weed, no vodka, no heroin, no oxy. Nothing. He was clean, and it pained him to dwell on one of life’s biggest questions. Was it even worth it?

By Tuesday he realised how dull life in rehab was without something to truly look forward to. Sure it was nice to see Clay, or Zach, or the Jensen’s but they showed up when they wanted to. Every two days? Every week? Every weekend? Out of the blue? But it made him realise that Scott was right about people being addictive. And Jessica was. Now it felt like detoxing all over again.

“No, no, no, no,” Maddy scolded him, grabbing his phone from his hands. “You are not texting her. This is a detox from her. Nothing. For a week. Got it?”

He pouted. “She texted me first,” he insisted. “It’s rude if I don’t text her back.”

“What would you rather be?” Maddy asked him. “Rude or dead?”

He screwed up his face. “What does that have to do with anything?” Scott put his arm out and pointed to the bands on his wrists with emphasis. Justin scowled. “Fuck both of you for this.”

Scott smirked, “promise?”

By Wednesday the whole thing took a turn, and it felt like he was going through stages of grief. Really he didn’t know what was going on. He was torn. Part of him was okay with this because it was going to be good for Jessica. She got to live her life without the crushing pressure of him, and all his problems. She was free, and she deserved that. But the other part hated himself for even being in this position. The self hatred sometimes became all consuming. Why had he let it get this far? Why had he not just come clean? Why did he even run away at all? He threw all logic, and all compassion out the window. He hated himself. He fucked up everything, and what for? To lose Jessica? To disappoint Clay and his family? To lose his future to a fucking drug addiction? Every minute was just constant regret. He didn’t even miss Jessica anymore. He was too consumed by self hatred.

By Thursday Maddy and Scott had him convinced that love was an actual drug. No seriously. The release of serotonin and dopamine, which were chemicals in the brain (the same ones imitated and released by many different drugs) were also released when you loved someone. Simply by looking at them, or thinking about them. They were also released during sex, which led to a whole other conversation. And then Justin found out that Maddy wanted to study psychology when she got out of rehab.

“You can be my first patient,” Maddy told him with a smirk, “when I become a therapist. There is a lot of shit wrong with you. I think we’d have a blast together.” Then she stuck a red lollipop in her mouth with a pleased smile. He just ignored her, like always.

Then something crazy happened. He was over it. Thursday morning he got his twenty days clean badge, and that was really something. He hadn’t even gotten it the first time he detoxed. Yes, it was just a little plastic counter but it meant that he had gotten through twenty days of no drugs. Four months ago that would have sounded insane to him. Four months ago he was convinced that one of these days he was going to shoot up too much and die on the side of a street. And he had been fine with that. Not because he wanted to die but because any other reality seemed impossible.

“You know those stupid fucking movies for kids that are all about growing up and doing what you love? You know that stupid fucking advice they give you in school about working hard to achieve your dreams?” Justin shrugged, “it’s all just bullshit.”

Maddy raised an eyebrow, “right? Fuck that.”

He sat beside her on the grass and nodded. “It’s easy to do what you love, and what you want, when you have fucking money. And people’s parents tell them they can do whatever they want, and be whoever they want. My mom never let me forget for a fucking second that this was all I’d ever be. A white trash junkie.” He frowned. “I tried to be different,” he mumbled, “I really did. But, I guess I fucked it up.”

Scott smiled, “but you fixed it. And you’re gonna be able to do whatever the fuck you wanna do. You can be anything now.”

Maddy clicked her tongue, playing with a lighter between her hands. “Well, there’s still the classism, his criminal record, his mediocre grades and the elitist system of the United States where rich kids with straight fucking A’s or rich kids who can kick a ball better than other people, get to have good well paying jobs through college degrees, and the rest of us all suffer.” She handed them both cigarettes, the only vice they were actually allowed in this place.

“This whole system is so fucked,” Justin agreed.

Scott made a face at Maddy, “you’re rich, what are you complaining about?”

Maddy flicked the lighter and held it out to Justin, “and he’s white. Classism, and racism still exist, Scott.”

With a scowl, Scott glared at her, “Maddy, I’m black and gay. Don’t school me on discrimination.”

She widened her eyes mockingly, “then don’t be a cunt,” she snapped.

Scott rolled his eyes and looked to Justin. “You seem better than you did yesterday. Which is really good.”

Maddy smirked, “yeah, we saw you cry like three times.”

With his eyes on the grey sky above them, he took the cigarette out of his mouth. “Yeah, let’s not talk about it.”

Scott was grinning, “no, let’s talk about it. Your straight drama has got to be the only entertaining thing in this place.”

“Well,” Justin said, trying not to laugh at Scott’s comment, “it’s not entertaining for me.”

Lighting a second cigarette, Maddy raised an eyebrow, “we’re just interested because we miss Jess. She was more fun than you.”

Scott rolled his eyes, “you’re such an asshole, Madeline.” He looked back at Justin as Maddy tried to balance two cigarettes between her lips. “Ignore her. Are you doing better today? We’ve been worried about you.” And from the sincerity of his words, Justin actually believed him. Maybe through all that bitter nostalgia, someone had cared.

He shrugged, “I’m fine.” Maddy raised an eyebrow, she knew there was more. She always knew. “I mean, I miss her. And I wanna see her but… It just feels… empty.”

Scott looked at him with a kind of hopeful innocence they all knew he had none of. “But she said she’s still gonna come by. She is, right?” Justin shrugged, staring at the cigarette between his fingers as he thought through the question.

“I know but… I wish she wouldn’t.”

Maddy’s brow furrowed. “What? Why?”

He huffed, and it was almost funny to him. “Because if she does I think I’ll want her back.”

Scott’s eyes rounded as he smiled. “That’s so romantic.”

Maddy only scowled. “That’s so stupid.” As he inhaled more cigarette smoke, he coughed while trying not to laugh at comparing Scott and Maddy’s reactions.

“Sorry,” he managed, through coughing. “I don’t smoke.” Maddy took the cigarette from him and frowned.

“Well, now is no time to start.”

Scott was curious. “So you’ve done heroin, but cigarettes are where you draw the line? Interesting take.”

Justin shrugged, “I guess I never really wanted to die slowly.”

Maddy only smirked, “and that’s the difference between you and us.”

Thursday afternoon Jessica texted him, asking how he was. And he wanted to respond. He wanted to tell her he missed her, and that he was okay. He wanted to ask if she was okay. He wanted to see her. He wanted so many things. But he could have none of them. So he left it on read. And he felt bad. He did. Maddy made him change the background of his phone from a picture of Jess to a blank white screen. Recovery, she and Scott would tell him. It was crazy that they were doing more for his recovery than the nurses at this point. But, who knew if this would work? He sure didn’t. At this point all he knew was that if he got out tomorrow, he would beg for Jessica’s forgiveness and ask her to take him back. And part of him thought it would be successful. Because, well, she texted him after all, didn’t she?

Friday sent him down into a pit of self hatred again, but it wasn’t to do with Jessica. It was about Maddy this time. Her dad came to visit her, and that never went down well. See, he never came to visit Maddy, he just came to make sure she kept her mouth shut when he was about to win an Academy Award for some bullshit film he made about faux diversity. It ruined Maddy. And Scott was used to the visits by now, Justin wasn’t. She was inconsolable after he left. It was cruel. It was shocking how a man could have so little respect for his daughter that he would show up here unannounced and intimidate her into keeping quiet. Her own rapist was still such a prominent figure in her life. And see, that was the problem. Maddy couldn’t tell any of the nurses her father raped her. What if they let it slip? Maddy didn’t trust them. So they couldn’t stop him from dropping by. It was sickening the way the world worked. Who won and who lost. It was times like this when the world was miserable, and the world was dark that he would give anything to have Jessica back. To feel like maybe there was a reason to believe it got better than this.

Then Friday night she texted him, and he would have done anything to see her in person. To talk to her about what he had been through this week. But he knew he couldn’t. That tomorrow would be a new day. He just needed reassurance that everything in the world wasn’t fucked up and meaningless. Because in a place like this the depression was heavy at night especially. He opened up her text and it was pretty simple. Pretty hopeful.

**I’m coming in tomorrow. We need to talk.**

He texted her back. Knowing that seeing her in person was a bad idea. But it was 10pm and he had thoughts running through his mind like crazy.

**Can I just call you now instead?**

Her response was immediate.

**Sure.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prepare for a few chapters of drama and heartache and miscommunication
> 
> i hate to beg for crumbs but please, thank you for the feedback on the last chapter <3 i need more. it's the only thing to keep me writing in these troubling times. ps. hope you're all well & staying safe.


	6. Letting You Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Letting You Go by Gabrielle Aplin
> 
> sooooo.... this chapter was supposed to have a LOT more in it, but it's already 4k words and so i split it into two. expect the second part in the next day or so :)

"Hey," he said putting the phone up to his ear.

"Hey," she didn't sound impressed. 

He looked around the empty room and thought of what the fuck he could say to her. "How are you? How was your last day?" Yeah, those were normal questions.

"I'm fine. It was fine." He sighed, hearing the disdain in her voice as she spoke. What did he do? 

"That's, um, good." He rolled his eyes at himself. He had no idea what he was doing. He'd had high expectations that she would answer the call in a better mood than this, and that she would want to talk to him. Maybe that had been a stupid expectation. Maybe he was just tired, and this phone call never should have happened.

"How are you?" She asked, and she didn't really want to know. He understood that. So he didn't tell her. 

"Fine. I'm... Good. Everything's good."

She scoffed, "right. Great." 

With a sigh he finally asked her, "so what did you wanna talk about?" 

The phone was silent a moment before she quietly spoke. "...I, uh, had sex... With Jackson Moore. I just… I thought I should tell you.”

“… That’s… Great.” Overcompensating for disappointment through extreme overexcitement must be a side effect of heroin withdrawals, he thought. Or, a side effect of having your heart broken.

“It’s great?” She asked slowly, like she couldn’t believe his words.

“Yeah, I’m… I’m happy for you.” He didn’t want his voice to break. He didn’t want to cry. He also didn’t want to be the shitty jealous boyfriend who told her she could move on, and then take his word back a week later. He wasn’t going to police her body. He wasn’t going to do anything but accept his own fate for an outcome he had cornered himself into. He deserved this, and so did she. Jessica deserved to be happy. He didn’t.

“You’re happy for me?” The bewilderment in her voice echoed across the phone line.

“Yeah, I mean…” He struggled to find something to say. “I hear his dick is, like, huge.” He ran a hand over his face in frustration. Why the fuck did he just say that? That was the kind of shit he used to call Bryce out on saying. He never said shit like that. And especially not to Jessica.

She scoffed across the phone. “Seriously, that’s what you say?”

“Well, what do you want me to say?” He was at a loss.

“You’re a real fucking asshole. Did you know that?” He frowned, staring at the carpeted floor. When anybody else said it, he didn’t care. When Jessica said it, and meant it… It hurt. A lot.

“Yeah, I know.” He nodded. “I’m sorry.”

She sighed. “I’m fucking done, Justin. This break isn’t working.” She went quiet a moment, waiting for him to say something but he didn’t know what to say. But it sounded like she was crying. “I can’t keep sitting by my phone, just waiting for you to call or text me. I can’t do it anymore.” There was another moment of silence, like she was waiting for him to say something, but he had no voice to say anything. “I wanna break up. For real.”

“Okay,” he managed to say. Followed by more silence.

He knew she rolled her eyes at him. “I have to go,” she mumbled.

“Me too,” he lied, shutting his eyes. There was more silence. Like she was waiting for something, he didn’t know what. “Merry Christmas, Jess.”

She scoffed harshly, “yeah, Merry fucking Christmas.” And then the line went dead. He took the phone from his ear and held it there. The screen was still on her contact. Jess. And next to her name was a black heart. He edited it and deleted the heart. Then he changed her name to Jessica. It felt more formal that way. He didn’t even deserve to have her name in his contacts anyway. If she’d found somebody else this easily then he was obviously holding her back. He always had been. It should have been him. But it never could be. He was too much. There was so much wrong with him that he wondered if he could ever love anybody ever again. Not because he didn’t want to get hurt. No. It was because he had so much shit that only Jessica knew, that he didn’t think he could ever repeat it to someone else. He had never felt more known and understood than he did with her. Even when the two worst things he had ever done became known to her, she still loved him. Scott had been right, it really did feel like true fucking love.

Maddy appeared in the open doorway, “dude,” she was staring at him, “what the fuck happened?” She folded her arms across her chest and watched him curiously. He flicked his phone off and threw it on the bed beside him.

“Jessica broke up with me,” he said.

Maddy smirked, “you couldn’t even give me one fucking day to be the centre of attention.” She bit her lip. “You’re such a whore.”

He laughed gently, “I’m sorry Mad.”

With a huff, she walked into the dark room. “You’re forgiven. Mainly because you look like you need a hug.”

He rolled his eyes. “I don’t need a hug. I’m not seven.” Not that anybody had hugged him when he was seven. It was just the first number that came to his head.

Maddy clicked her tongue. “Yeah you do. Jessica was hot as fuck and way too good for you. So I’d say you need a hug.” She came over to the bed and sat beside him. And then yes, she hugged him. And he didn’t pull away. He let her hug him. And he could have cried if it wasn’t incredibly embarrassing for him. All he had done since he got here was cry. Over his own physical torment from detoxing, or over Jessica. Both of which were equally as personal, and equally as painful at certain moments. Like now.

“Why are you so nice to me?” He asked her.

Maddy pressed her lips together and let go of him after a moment. “Because you’re cute and sad. Girls love that.”

Scott nodded as he walked in. “The gays love it too.” He came and sat on the bed too and Justin didn’t protest. He didn’t really care.

“We can talk shit about her,” Maddy suggested, “if that’s how you wanna move on.”

Scott nodded. “All those pictures she has of her cat are so annoying. And her laugh is kind of weird.”

“Yeah,” Maddy agreed, “and her thighs are kinda fat.” Scott glared at her and Justin reached out and shoved her off the side of the bed. With a frown Maddy glared up at him from the floor. “I deserved that. Good to know you’re not an asshole.” Justin gave her a sarcastic smile and she climbed back up to sit beside him.

“Ignore her,” Scott said, “tell us whatever you want to… Also I lied, her laugh is adorable.”

Justin nodded. “It is adorable. She was adorable.”

Maddy smirked. “I’d tell you that there are other fish in the sea. But those poor fish have a lot to live up to.” Scott leaned over and tugged on Maddy’s ponytail.

“You’re not helping anything Madeline.”

Maddy clicked her tongue and shrugged. “Well then, I’ll put all my cards on the table and just say it.” She turned to Justin and looked him right in the eye. “I will have sex with you to forget about her. It’s gonna be a one time thing. Purely platonic. And only out of the good of my heart because I’m such a kind person… I’m also a little horny cause I haven’t had sex in like a month or so.”

Scott raised his hand. “I’m also down. In case you wanna like… explore your sexuality. Just putting it out there.”

Justin blinked. “Um… No. To both offers.” He glanced between the two of them. “So, I think we’ll just pretend the conversation never happened.”

Maddy just scoffed at him, “I promise you, soon you’ll be taking us up on the offer… It gets lonely in here.”

“Don’t make him uncomfortable,” Scott said, “his girlfriend just dumped for some guy with a huge dick. That hurts…” He looked over. “Sorry I was listening to your conversation.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “Can you both just leave me alone?”

“No,” Maddy insisted. “Look, we’ll stop being assholes if you actually wanna talk about this. We were just trying to lighten the mood.” The three of them sat on the edge of Justin’s bed. Henry was somewhere else and hopefully he wouldn’t be back for some time.

With his voice breaking, Justin put his head in his hands. “I just feel like the whole world is collapsing on me, and I don’t know how to stop it.” He shook his head, drawing his knees up to his chest. “I don’t trust myself. It’s like, I do the good thing. The right thing, like they always say you should. But it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t make me feel right. My life is so fucked up that I can never catch a fucking break.”

Maddy reached out and put her arm around him. “I know how that feels,” she said, “and it fucking hurts. It makes you feel worthless. It makes life feel pointless. But, it’s not true, and it’s not forever.”

He leaned his head on her shoulder and stared at the neatly made bed on the other side of the room. “I used to just… suck it up cause that was just the way life was. But… I’ve never lost something I loved over this. Over who I am, and everything I’ve been through. I never felt bad for myself. And I still don’t. I just…”

“Feel sad?” Scott prompted.

“I’m not sad I’m just…” He ran a hand over his face. “I don’t know.”

Maddy gave him a sympathetic smile, “just say it,” she said. “Just fucking say it.” He lay back and collapsed on the bed, with Maddy and Scott sitting either side of him, Justin sighed, staring up at the ceiling.

“I just… Hate it. I just fucking hate myself. And everything. The whole fucking world.”

“Not her?” Scott asked. “You don’t hate her?”

“No,” he said, as if it were a ridiculous question. And it was. “I just wish it had been different. I let this happen. I was the one who got fucked up. I’m the one who ruined us. It’s all my fault. I don’t know why I did it. Why did I even start using? Why did I run away? Why did I let her get fucking–“ Maddy scowled.

“Stop!” She huffed, and he stopped just as she requested, staring up at her. “Listen to me, okay? You know why you did all of that. There were reasons, however bad you may think they are now. It doesn’t fucking matter. And there will be other girls. So many.”

“There have been,” he insisted. “But I never loved them like I loved her.”

“Yeah,” Scott said, “but soon you’ll say that about someone new.”

Justin scoffed, “you can’t be serious.” He ran his hands over his face in frustration. “You both know as well as I do that people like us have to fucking beg to be loved nearly as much as any normal person. Shit like that doesn’t happen for us. It’s just the way the world works.” He sighed. “As soon as they found out my mom was fucked up. They’d run. Or as soon as I got hit by one of my mom’s boyfriends. Or I was too much to handle because I was fucked up. They’d run. But not Jessica. She stayed. And she shouldn’t have. She should have run.”

“Why?” Maddy asked him.

“Because!” He said. “I’m a fucking junkie. I’m responsible for the worst thing that ever happened to her. I’m a fucking criminal. I’ve been beaten since I could walk. I’ve been raped. I’ve been homeless. I’m a whole fucking lot. And she deserves someone who isn’t.”

Scott sat beside him, drawing his knees up to his chest. “And so yeah, she’s moved on. And you aren’t happy for her?”

“I am,” Justin insisted, and he believed it. “I just still wish it was me. I just… I wish I was someone else.” He felt like he was going to cry. “I guess in a perfect world I would be. And she would be just who she is. And I never would have fucked up her life.”

* * *

“I’m glad you could sneak out.” She said into the darkness of the barely lit playground. She had texted him, then walked from her house. As soon as she ended that call her room had become nothing but a reminder of everything she had given up. She didn't want to. She really didn't. But he just made it so difficult.

“It’s not really sneaking. My parents don’t care.” Jessica smiled to herself, not because of what he’d said but because the first time she’d snuck out with Justin, he told her something along the same line.

“Still,” Jessica said. “It’s sweet of you. I know it’s late.” Jackson gave her a boyish smile and it was intended to be very charming but Jessica wasn’t having it.

“It’s Friday, so, who cares?” She pretended to laugh in agreement, but really she wasn’t sure what to do. He took a step closer and put his hand in her hair. “I’m so glad you asked to meet. I really liked seeing you today…” Then he smirked. “In every way.” With a fake smile, Jessica grabbed his hand from her hair and dropped it away from her. She didn’t like to be touched like that by him.

“Look, I just needed a bit of an escape.”

He raised an eyebrow, “like a sexy rendezvous?”

She furrowed her brow. “I guess? Whatever.” She huffed a sigh, standing on the tanbark of the playground. “I broke up with Justin. For real.”

Jackson’s eyes went wide in surprise, “oh,” he drawled, “how do you feel?”

Staring at her feet, she shrugged. “Bad.”

“Like, guilty?” She wasn’t looking at him, but she could hear that he was smiling. At least on the inside.

“Yeah. Guilty.” For breaking his heart. And there was some regret too. But he’d brought it on himself for being so nonchalant when she told him about Jackson. It was like he was content without her. It was like he didn’t care. He didn’t care that a month ago she had been his, and that she had chosen him over anybody else when they all said he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t care that she loved him and he loved her. She was pretty sure he did still love her, like she did him. But it wasn’t her job to read between the lines and see through his bullshit. If he loved her, he should have told her. And she wasn’t coming back until he did just that. He was right when he said she shouldn’t wait for him. And she wasn’t going to. But God, if he got out tomorrow she would drop everything for him. _Everything_. There was this nagging feeling in the depths of her heart that no matter when, or where, or what her life became. When he finally came back to her she would drop everything for him. Yes. Everything. And she wouldn’t feel a shred of guilt about it.

“I think it’s really strong of you,” Jackson said.

“I guess,” she mumbled. But then she shook her head. “I didn’t invite you here to talk. I don’t do that.” Looking up at him she pressed her lips together. “I just wanna feel better. And I thought you could help.” He was smirking, and she was pretty sure he had the wrong idea. “I wanna get drunk,” she said, “but I can’t do it at home. I thought you might have a way around that.”

He was nodding, “yeah, sure. You can come back to mine. We got all the shit.”

Jessica shook her head. “No,” she said, “I want it here. I want you to buy it.” He nearly burst into laughter. “What, you don’t have a fake ID?”

“No,” he said, honestly. And she rolled her eyes.

“This was a waste of time then,” she began to stand and he went after her.

“Wait,” he grabbed her arm, “I’ll find a way. Just… Come with me. I’ll drive us.”

Jackson ended up convincing an old man outside a liquor store that he had left his ID at home, and the man bought them a bottle of vodka. Usually Jessica hated hard liquor. She hated most liquor. And her experiences with the stuff had been tainted majorly with many very heavy months of ‘what if i hadn’t drunk that much, maybe it would have been different’ but she very soon realised it had never been her fault. That didn’t mean she trusted people not to take advantage of her. She would drink with her friends, and she would drink with Justin. Other than that, she didn’t trust anybody else. No, not even Jackson.

But right now, she was desperate. So they took the bottle of vodka to the park, and they sat in the car in a parking lot as she threw her head back and downed it like repeated shots. He pulled the bottle away from her, and she giggled. He took some and then handed it back to her. They kept going until she decided to get out of the car and climb the playground while drunk. Jackson followed her, and laughed as she excitedly explored the play equipment.

“You’re nothing like I thought you were,” he said.

Jessica smirked, “what did you think?”

“That you were some uptight, self pitying victim. Actually, you’re a lot of fun.”

She scoffed, “you’re an asshole. Did you know that?”

He just smiled, “yeah I know. You have to be to get anywhere in this world.” Jessica took another sip from the bottle of vodka, and she was starting to feel its effects.

She glared down at Jackson and tilted her head. “You know what I think about you? I think you find it empowering to act like you’re better than everybody else. You’re so blatant in your dislike toward people. You’re rude, and pretentious but you just think you’re being honest.” She dangled the bottle of vodka from her hands. “That’s what all this shit talking is actually about. That’s why you just love to bring up Justin in our conversations. You see so much wrong with him, that’s right with you, and you want me to believe it too. You want me to think the same things you do. So that I see how wrong I was to ever date him,” she rolled her eyes as she exaggerated, “and how much better you are for me.” She cocked her head. “Fuck that.”

“Some drunken wisdom from the Student Body President,” Jackson smirked, “you’re right, though. I do think I’m better than everybody else when I’m not. But, I have to. Because nobody else thinks I’m anywhere near as good as anybody else. So, you know, it has to be me.”

“What?” Jessica asked. “Not even your parents?”

He shook his head. “My dad is a shitty person. My mom is never around. I don’t have any other family. And all my life I’ve been second best. So, it’s easy. It’s second nature to point out the flaws in people who are better than me. It makes me feel good.” The Jackson she was used to disappeared after that. He was replaced by this vulnerable and hurt teenaged boy that Jessica stopped feeling the need to berate, and started to feel bad for.

“I get that,” she said, gently. “Doesn’t make it okay though. You don’t know what goes on in other people’s lives. You don’t know what goes on in my life, or Justin’s. So when you say shit about us, it just makes you seem like a huge asshole.”

Jackson frowned. “I’m sorry. You’ve met my friends. They’re kind of…”

“Huge assholes?” Jessica prompted, and he nodded. “Yeah, I could have guessed.”

“They’re so comfortable being seen as dumb, and I’m not.”

With a shrug, she came down the slide to where he was. He met her at the bottom, and as her feet hit the tanbark on the ground, he leaned in and Jessica went wide eyed.

“Don’t kiss me,” she said, leaning away from him. “I don’t want that.”

He scoffed, “seriously?” But then he gave up. “So why are we even here, Jessica?” Because I’m lonely, she thought honestly. Because he had a very obvious crush on her, and being the lonely heartbroken girl that she was, she could take advantage of it. She wanted someone to be kind to her, and to treat her like she was their girlfriend, on her terms, and she didn’t want to feel anything over it. She just wanted to feel like she was moving on.

“Because I’m bored, and you’re a little fun.”

“A little? Not a lot?”

She tilted her head. “Jackson, don’t flatter yourself. I could have asked Zach Dempsey to hang out with me, but his leg is busted so I didn’t think he’d want to.” That was a lie. The only other person she considered asking was Alex, but, she couldn’t do that to him. She’d broken up with Justin who was exactly the person she had broken up with Alex for. There was a line there she wasn’t willing to cross no matter how lonely and sad she was.

They eventually got back into the car, not that they could drive anywhere. He was wasted. So was she. If they got caught they would be busted for underage drink driving. God, she had never been this reckless before. She planned to walk home anyway and try to sneak inside really late. Her parents had taken the kitten out of her bedroom, and it now slept with them because she was ‘neglecting’ it, supposedly. But she was just busy. And it was better this way. That kitten only made her think of one thing.

They sat in the car. Jackson in the drivers seat, Jessica the passenger. It was cold outside, but inside they turned the heating up until they were way too warm and Jessica had to take her jacket off. There had been a moment over their platonic rendezvous that Jessica had completely forgotten why she was doing this. Why she was confused and lonely. Her conversations with Jackson did make her feel something. He was fun, he was nice to her. He was nice enough to not even bring up the topic she was avoiding. She could tell he wanted to. He had questions. But anybody would have questions about a girl drinking herself out of heartache over someone who was bad for her. But once they were back in the car, that was when she reached the point where all the feelings she had tried to suppress just burst out of her. And she didn’t want to feel like that anymore. So she did something strange.

Jessica pulled off her seatbelt and climbed across the console until she was sitting in Jackson’s lap. He put his arms around her and she genuinely couldn’t feel it. She couldn’t feel anything. She was numb. If the way to recover from sexual assault was to take time and explore your sexuality. Maybe the way to recover from a broken heart was to work out how much pain your heart could take until it rebuilt itself.

She leaned in and kissed him, pushing herself against his body. She drew it out slowly, letting him truly savour it. The way she used to do with Justin. She liked having that power over people. Rendering them speechless with her words, her body, the way she moved. It gave her control over them. They loved her. They would do anything for her. But there was only one person she truly loved. One person who had that effect on her. And it wasn’t Jackson.

She pulled away and whispered to him, “will you make me feel better?”

He smiled against her lips, “I want to.” Then he pulled her hands from him. “But you’re drunk, and I’m drunk. And I don’t do that shit.”

Jessica pouted, “please, I just need to forget. I just need to know.” Her speech wasn’t slurring yet, and she could tell Jackson would have given anything to put aside his morality tonight. She could feel how badly he wanted to act on his attraction to her.

“Know what?” He whispered.

“How I feel about you,” she responded. Mostly, she just wanted to know who had her heart.It certainly wasn’t Jackson. But, there was attraction physically. Even though Jackson was pretentious and bitter. He was a smartass who had himself convinced that Jessica was his, or that she would be one day. He thought he had manipulated her into this whole night. He had used her. That he had traded vodka for sex. She got what she wanted, and he got what he wanted. But Jessica wasn’t nearly as drunk as she was making out. Jessica had always planned to have sex with him. How else was she supposed to move on? She had two weeks to study over Christmas. She wasn’t going to spend that time alone with her thoughts. Her therapist, the one she saw once only, tried to convince Jessica that she had only fallen in love with Justin because he was the first person she had felt comfortable having sex with after her assault. Like some kind of fucked up Stockholm Syndrome, so Jackson was proof that she didn’t fall in love with everybody who made her feel good, even momentarily. And further proof that she loved Justin. That while he was getting better, without her, she was getting better, without him. And they could only do that while seperate. No matter how much it hurt.

"And how do you feel?" Jackson asked. 

"Sad. And I don't wanna feel sad anymore." 

"Okay," he said with a smile, "I can make you feel good." She leaned in and kissed him, but she didn't think he would make her feel good necessarily. Just make her feel something other than sad. The therapist had been right when she said Jessica was stepping into a dangerous territory in her recovery. There was a fine line after an assault between a healthy relationship with sex, and your body, versus an unhealthy one. This was beginning to feel like an unhealthy one. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't wanna scare anyone but shit is about to pick up. and get heavy. and i'm sorry lmao but,,,,, really need that love and feedback because i had a bad day. and then it got good. also i need to write an essay for uni and i don't wanna do it. 
> 
> also y'all the next chapter has some really cute flashbacks about halloween..... and slutty cheerleaders and eyeliner. and shrek. it's gonna be so fucking cute. i've already written half of it cause it was supposed to be in this chapter lol


	7. Love Will Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part two (was originally supposed to be in the last chapter but then it got too long and then THIS one got too long) goddamn. i write a LOT. 
> 
> i tried to Fix™ things this chapter. a little.

“Fuck,” Justin looked between Maddy and Scott. “So that’s why you come here? You have a fucking dealer?”

“Shhhhhh!!!” Maddy waved her hand in his face. “Shut up!” The three of them all glanced around the empty, open field. The nurse was far away. She had no idea what they were doing.

“Come on, Maddy. This is fucked up.” Justin stared at them both in concern. Something felt wrong. As Maddy lit the end of a joint someone had rolled up for her, she rolled her eyes.

“Wow, look at you following the rules. What’s up your ass?”

He looked to Scott. “Are you seriously gonna do this?”

Scott shrugged. “I’m not proud of it but, you know how it is.” He did know. And while he didn’t know a lot about Scott and what had landed him in a rehab, other than a long time addiction to ice, he wasn’t about to criticise them for it. But, Scott looked like a stoner, he always had. From the first day they met, that was how Maddy introduced him. Her woke, feminist, communist supporting, left wing black gay best friend. Who looked like he should be out sitting in a field, talking about free love like it’s the 1960s, wearing a bohemian sweater and smoking weed. And Scott was the nicest person at the centre, how he had put up with Maddy for so long was completely beyond Justin. Then again, she kept him on his toes, and she got him weed. Who needed anything else from a friendship?

Maddy smirked at Justin. “ _You_ can’t have any. We only have two and you’re the only one of us with any hope of getting out of this hellhole.”

Scott took the lighter from her. “It’s just weed. Don’t be a pussy about it.” He wiggled the joint before them both. “Don’t have to detox off this shit.” Maddy and Scott both sat down in the grass and stared at Justin until he gave in and did the same.

“This is the only place my dealer gives me my shit,” Maddy said. “But, I should make one thing clear.” She looked across at Justin, and she was dead serious. “While I’m in here I don’t count on recovery. I was fucking forced into this place and I have no intention of doing anything other than dying in here.”

Justin frowned. “That’s an awful way to live,” he said.

Maddy shrugged, “my whole life has been awful. I’d rather be in here than on the streets, or in my fathers house.” She raised an eyebrow. “But,” she added, “I have every intention of helping you get out of this shithole. So, don’t do what I do. Do what I _say_ , not as I _do_. Got it?”

“You’re confusing me,” he said.

Maddy breathed out a puff of smoke and smiled at him. “You’re not a lost cause. So don’t _become_ a lost cause.”

He was staring at her. “You’re not one either.”

Her smile turned into a smirk. “You’re sweet to think that. That’s why I like you.” Then she cocked her head. “Now, Scott and I have one rule out here while we’re high… Don’t talk about sad shit.”

Scott nodded, “usually we play a game,” he said.

Justin clicked his tongue, “how fun,” he said sarcastically and Maddy ignored him.

“So,” she said, “I catfished some guy from England,” she was laughing, “and he sent me a dick pic last night. _Unsolicited_ , like, what the fuck?”

Scott looked intrigued, “can I see it?” He asked.

Maddy made a face, “he’s like 40, Scott. You do not wanna see that. I had to bleach my eyes after.”

“What pictures are you using?” Justin asked her.

Maddy was grinning. “Ariana Grande, but like, before she was super famous.” They all laughed.

“Oh, that’s good,” Scott said, “there’s a lot of good pictures of her on the internet. You can find them really easily.” Maddy and Justin looked at him in concern. “What? I’m gay. We love her.”

They continued talking and laughing, and everything was fine. No one was sad about anything. Maddy was still on edge over her dad coming to visit, so she was a lot less judgmental than usual mainly because she was high. She went through her photos on her phone and found photos from Halloween. She showed them to Justin, and not Scott because he had been there at Halloween. She had been dressed as a slutty cat, her own words, and then she explained how she shot up that night. Relapsed for the first time in two months. No sad shit, was the rule, so when she told him her voice was exceptionally positive.

“It’s hard,” she said, “big celebrations and shit. I find them hard to deal with. Christmas. New Years. Birthdays. Fourth of July. Times when you should be happy, and you should be with people you love. I fucking hate it. It makes me feel like shit, because, I’ve got nobody to celebrate with. Nobody who loves me.”

“Mads,” Scott complained, “you had me on Halloween and you still did it.”

She rolled her eyes. “That’s because you were fucking one of the intern nurses.” She looked at Justin. “What was your Halloween like? I assume it was fun, so that way I can just live vicariously through you.”

Justin laughed, “I have no clue what the fuck that word means. But my Halloween was fun. It was really fucking good.”

Maddy grinned, “fuck me, I wanna hear about it. What is it like being a normal teenager?”

He shook his head. “There was nothing normal about it. I barely even had a costume.” Then he smiled. “I was with Jess, and her whole family was out. We were supposed to go to a party but we ditched and spent the whole night on her couch watching movies.”

“Sounds fun,” Maddy said. “Party would be better but…”

“No,” Justin said, “it was the fucking best.” The more he thought about it, the more his mind drifted and he remembered just how good their relationship had been. He hadn’t thought about her in days. Well, he had tried to avoid the topic altogether. But, sometimes the memories were too sweet. Bittersweet, and the moment it set in his mind that she was gone, it turned bitter. But, sometimes that was what made the memories so much sweeter. Because they would never happen again, but they had. Once before. And exactly 365 days ago, he would have been saying the exact same thing. That she was never coming back. But she had. He got her back, even if it was for a short while before he fucked it up again and let her go.

 **“P** lease, please, please, please? _Please?_ ” With her hand on his wrist, Jessica shook his arm. He didn’t react, he just lay underneath her on the bed. “Please babe?” Widening her eyes at him, she pouted.

“Jess…” He protested. “I’m tired.”

Leaning over and kissing him lightly, she kept her pout. “But you owe me,” she complained, “big time.” Hovering over his face, they were barely inches apart, and he reached up to kiss her again.

“Why do I owe you?” Justin asked her, smiling slightly as he stared at the adorable expression on her face.

Jessica bit her lip, leaning in close as their lips were barely an inch away from touching. “Because,” she whispered gently, “last Halloween you ditched me for fucking Bryce and Zach, and you said this Halloween would be different.”

He let out a small laugh, “I can’t believe you remember that.” Then he smirked. “And you remember it wrong. I didn’t ditch you. You ditched me to go trick or treating with your brothers.”

With a smile, she emphatically rolled her eyes. “No, I asked you to come and you were like,” she put on a mocking deep voice, “fuck no, trick or treating is for children, I wanna go smoke pot and talk about football.”

Justin laughed. “I did not say that. And I do not sound like that.”

With a grin, she cocked her head. “Okay, I’m exaggerating, but that’s what you did. And you promised that next time would be different. And well,” she kinked an eyebrow playfully, “it’s next time.”

Entertained by her enthusiasm, he smiled. “Well, shit. I can’t say no then, can I?” With a smirk, she leaned over and kissed him again. Jessica threw a leg over his waist until she was straddling him underneath her. She adjusted the lamp beside the bed, and made sure it was shining on his face. He shut his eyes as the light hit them and Jessica sighed in exasperation.

“Come on, it won’t take long. I swear.” Then she smirked. “The quicker you comply the quicker I can change, then we can go to this party.” She leaned over and picked up the eyeliner pencil from her bedside table.

“I don’t even want to go to this party,” he complained. “Your parents are out all night. Your brothers are at their friends. Can’t we just stay here?”

She smirked, “what? And watch horror movies all night?”

He shrugged, feigning innocence, “and other things…” With a smile, she rolled her eyes jokingly. “You can still wear your costume,” he offered, “I can’t wait to see it.” She leaned down and suggestively bit his bottom lip.

“Of course you can’t,” she whispered and he tried not to laugh. “Now don’t talk, I need to focus.” She poked his cheek to make sure he was ready, but he just looked bored. And slightly scared she was going to blind him, which she wasn’t. As she straddled his waist and prepared to start, he slipped his hands over her thighs and then up her dress until he was holding his hands to her hips. She made a face that warned him not to try anything that would disrupt her focus, and he returned a promising look that he wouldn’t. She leaned down and used her thumb and forefinger to widen his eyelids so she could draw the eyeliner on. He screwed up his face and she poked him in the cheek with the butt of the liner pencil and he relaxed.

“I don’t like this,” he protested.

She groaned in annoyance. “I said no talking.” Then she sighed. “Just… Look at the ceiling.” And so he did. And finally she was able to draw the eye liner on without him complaining. It didn’t take long, and any time she accidentally scratched him he would swear, but he did it under his breath so she couldn’t really complain about that.

When she was finally done, he spoke. “Do I look hot?”

“So very hot,” she assured him, and it sounded slightly sarcastic but that was just the way she said it. She wasn’t lying.

“Wait, so… What did you say my costume is supposed to be?”

She threw her leg off him and stood up on the floor beside the bed. “You’re a pirate,” she said, putting her eyeliner pens back on the bedside table and adjusting the light. “Like Johnny Depp.”

“But…” He turned around to lie on his side and look at her. “I don’t wanna be Johnny Depp. Can I be the elf one?”

“The what one?” She stared at him incredulously.

“The one who played that elf in The Hobbit…” Curiously, she kept staring at him. “What? Clay made me watch it.”

Jessica rolled her eyes, understanding who he meant. “Fine, you can be Pirate Orlando Bloom. He was hotter anyway.”

“Fuck yes. Are you a pirate too?”

She scoffed. “No, I planned my costume ages ago.”

Watching her walk across the room, he smirked, “do you have a pirate kink?”

“Shut up,” she said, not even turning to look at him. “I do not have a pirate kink. My brothers just like the movies, and you only asked me to get you a costume like two days ago. Which isn't much time to prepare.” On the other side of the room, she opened up her wardrobe doors and grabbed a red dress out.

“That’s because you did so good last year. We won.”

Standing in the middle of the room she started taking her clothes off. “Yeah, well, obviously we can’t do that again this year.”

“Why?” He asked innocently.

“Cause then we’ll get found out. Even tonight. We’re gonna have to stay apart.”

Pouting, he collapsed back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. “I don’t see why we have to go. You hate half the guys at our school. And none of our friends are going except for Zach. And no one in HO is gonna be there.”

“Aimee’s going.”

He rolled his eyes. “No one except Aimee,” he corrected sarcastically. “Come on, I’m gonna look fucking stupid like this.”

Jessica scowled as she pulled her dress off. “You’re gonna look hot. Shut up.”

“Well then I’ll look _too_ hot. And all the girls in Harley Quinn costumes are gonna be throwing themselves at me. And you’re gonna get all jealous. And then we’ll get into a fight, and the whole night will be ruined. And it’s all because we went to the party when we should have just stayed here, ordered pizza and watched all the Nightmare on Elm Street movies.”

He lifted his head up to see her reaction across the room. She was smirking. “Did you practice that in the shower this morning? Sounds like you’ve been working on it.”

He made a face and collapsed back onto the pillow. “I showered an hour ago, and you were there.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” she said. “We don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I don’t mind.” From the shadows on the wall, he could see that she was pulling a dress on.

“No,” he drawled reluctantly, “we can go if you want.”

Jessica laughed. “I just took all my clothes off and you didn’t even look once. I’d say you _really_ don’t wanna go.” She smiled. “Why are you so against going? We hang out alone all the time.”

He huffed a sigh. “Yeah, but never like this. Never all night. It’s couple-y. I wanna do that with you.” He stared at her across the room.

“You’re such a girl,” she said with a smile. “But, honestly, it does sound nice. I wanna do that too.” She folded her arms over her chest. “What do you think of my costume?” She asked him and he sat up to look at her on the other side of the room.

He stared, curious. “What are you?”

Her brow creased. “I’m a dead cheerleader.” She gestured emphatically to her cheerleader costume that was covered in red dye that she had cut incredibly short. He looked like he was about to laugh. “It’s part of protesting sexual assault. It represents all the girls who were valued for their tits and their ass over their minds. Girls who were treated like shit by boys because they wore a uniform that made boys think their bodies were free fucking real estate. And how it kills their souls… Metaphorically.”

“That’s fucking awesome,” then he laughed. “It feels wrong to even be attracted to you right now, though. Let alone have sex.”

Jessica rolled her eyes, but he saw that she was smirking. “Shut up. If anything it should be _empowering_ for you.”

He smiled, “and why is that?”

“Because, you have my consent.” With a smile, he imitated a moan and she laughed.

“That’s so hot,” he joked.

With a wide smile, she tilted her head. “Come over to me.” She reached out to him from the middle of the room and he gave in, walking over with a smile that matched hers of what could have been pure happiness.

“Don’t you think, if you’re protesting sexual assault, you shouldn’t be a _sexy_ dead cheerleader?”

She smirked, “aw, you think I’m sexy?” With a laugh, he nodded. “In my defence though, I haven’t worn my uniform in a year. And when I cut the end of it I didn’t realise that these dresses are made for skinny white girls in freshman year.”

He ran his hands down the dress until he reached the uneven seam that she had torn with scissors. “It’s very short,” he said, “and you wanna wear this to a party?”

She shrugged. “You don’t like it? You think I look like a slut?”

He smiled and shook his head. “Not at all. I just don’t know if I can spend a whole boring party staring at you from across the room. Especially not when you look like that.”

She smirked, “so maybe we shouldn’t go to the party?”

He put his arms around her waist, “no, I think we should stay here.” He leaned in super close, inches away from her lips, when he smiled. “Why’d you wanna go anyway?” They took a few steps back until Jessica walked into the wall and she pulled him close so she was pressed against it.

As he kissed her neck, she smirked. “I thought it might be fun to drive some boys crazy and make you jealous.”

He smiled, “you can still do that here.” Then he kissed her one last time before she relaxed against the wall and he kneeled in front of her. Her dress was short enough that he didn’t even need to lift it up, but she did it for him anyway and he kissed her knuckles. They had been happy that night. All their problems faded away and they were just teenagers who were in love. They had fun, they did shots from her parents liquor cabinet, they ordered pizza, watched movies until 2am when she fell asleep in his arms. It was like before. Before everything had happened. When they were carefree and so fucking happy. When there was not a single fucking thing wrong with their relationship. Back when it was pure love, and before he fucked it up.

 **“H** oly shit,” Maddy gasped. “You know what I always say. It’s 2018. Guys who don’t eat pussy are straight up psychopaths.”

Scott shrugged, “or gay,” he added and Maddy flicked her hand to say she didn’t care for his input.

Maddy rolled her eyes. “Thank you for not being anything like the last three guys I slept with. Sex positivity is so fucking hot. And so are women.”

Justin wasn’t listening though. “I loved her. I was so happy.” He sighed. “She was ashamed of me. We kept it a secret for so long but, I was fucking happy. And she was fucking happy.”

“Jesus,” Maddy was frowning. “What the fuck happened? You hadn’t cried since Friday night.”

“Hadn’t even mentioned her,” Scott said with concern. “Maddy, why’d you have to bring up Halloween?”

She was wide eyed. “How the fuck was I supposed to know?” She turned back to Justin and shrugged. “Do you need another hug?”

He made a face, “no, I’m fine.”

Maddy raised an eyebrow. “Sex is still on the table. Even more now than it was before.”

He rolled his eyes. “Well take it off the table. It’s not gonna happen.” He had started out frowning but when Maddy laughed he did too. He glanced at both of them, before sighing. He wished he could feel like them. Happy. Care free. Then again, he could. “Fuck it,” he sighed, “give me one.” Maddy and Scott widened their eyes at him, like they could hardly believe he asked. Then they laughed. Justin rolled his eyes and reached over to pull the joint from Scott’s mouth.

“Dude,” he threw his hands in the air in protest but didn’t make to move. He let it happen. “Why couldn’t you take Maddy’s?”

Justin shrugged, “she’s less annoying when she’s high.” He put the joint in his mouth and breathed in, then coughed because it had been a while. Then he coughed more and Scott laughed at him. Sitting up on his knees, Scott crawled over to him. His eyes were red, and he was smiling to the point he was laughing, just silently. Confused, Justin laughed as he watched him get closer and closer. Then Maddy started laughing, and all three of them had never looked more high. In a field, in a park, laughing like it was a sleepover of fourteen year old girls. Then it quickly turned into a college party when Scott took the joint back, and kissed him instead. Justin took a moment to register what just happened, but once he did, he didn’t pull away. Maddy ignored them, collapsing to lie on her back in the grass and scrolling through her phone. She was pretty high. Justin was pretty sure she wasn’t even looking at her phone, her hands just wanted to do something. She was staring at the sky. Scott started to laugh, and so Justin laughed too. And then they were all back to laughing at absolutely nothing as Scott handed the joint back to him and moved back slightly.

“God,” Maddy complained, “you know they count this back at the centre? So we cannot get caught. Okay?” Scott and Justin nodded innocently that they understood. Then Maddy sat up and went wide eyed. “Fuck…” She looked at them. “The nurse just saw us. We’re completely fucked.” She rolled her eyes. “Did you guys have to laugh so loudly?”

“Fuck off, Madeline,” Scott said. But still, he took the joint from Justin and put it between his own lips. “Don’t let her know you’re high,” he warned. “You might be able to get away with it.” But, nobody really believed that.

* * *

When her parents found out about the break up… They actually started talking to her again. Which she hadn’t realised they had stopped doing until now. Until she realised how little they knew about her, about what she had been doing at school, and how she was feeling. So although it felt like one by one someone was sticking little pins into her heart like it was a plush toy, there was a slight relief that lifted off her shoulders. Girls at HO started texting her again. Casey started talking to her again. Her parents forced her to see that therapist again, and as soon as the words ‘we broke up’ came from her lips, the therapist let out a scream of excitement. This was good, she had said, you’re on your final road to recovery.

Part of Jessica put all this down to a facade. Not hers. Not theirs, but Justin’s. She loved him because she knew him, and they hated him because they didn’t. But… Part of her celebrated too. Because part of her was still a 17 year old girl who still wanted people to tell her she was okay. That she was good, and right. Part of her trusted these people, and part of her still put their opinions over her own. Especially when she had decided the best way to get over a break up was to get drunk in a park at midnight with a boy she barely knew. That had been fucking ridiculous. And she started to think… What else had she done that was stupid, that she thought was okay in the moment? Everybody around her wanted her to believe that getting back together with Justin in the first place, had been just that. She was torn. Her heart knew for a fact that she loved him, and that their relationship had been great. But, her head was making her have second thoughts.

Jackson climbed through her bedroom window in the moonlight. Jessica stood inside, watching him. Why were teenaged boys so willing to climb through her window? Was her dad that scary? He fell inside with a thump and clambered to his feet.

“Sorry,” he whispered.

“It’s okay,” she said, then she closed the window behind him. “I’m sorry about my room. It kind of smells like my cat. That’s why he doesn’t live in my room anymore.”

Jackson smiled, “nah, it’s fine. Don’t worry.” He raised an eyebrow. “Did you sober up all right after Friday night?” It was now Monday.

“Yeah,” she said. “I’m sorry about that, by the way. That was so embarrassing.”

Jackson laughed it off. “It’s fine…” He gave her a sympathetic smile. “Did you wanna talk about it, now? Are you ready to talk without going crazy on me?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I think I am. But… Can you do one thing? Can you just listen because nobody listens to me. Nobody understands. I just wanna talk, and I want you to listen. Can you do that? Please?”

He nodded as she sat on the bed and he on the floor, “of course.” That was usually what Justin did for her. Everybody else thought they were helping her when she complained by telling her what to do, and yeah, sometimes that helped. But not today. Not now. Right now she just needed to get everything in her head out, and just have someone say, ‘wow, that sucks’. Usually that was followed by sex, or Justin changing the subject to something happier that made her laugh. Jessica didn’t think tonight was going to be anything like that.

“I just…” She pressed her lips together. “I was pissed off at him for not texting me back. But I didn’t know I was mad until he called me. He _called_ me. I said I was gonna come and see him, and he asked for a fucking phone call. That hurt. But I wasn’t mad. Not until I heard his voice. It was so… casual. As if nothing was wrong. And he sounded… Happy. He just didn’t care about me, or my problems or…what I did with you. He was content. He’s moved on.”

Jackson frowned, staring at her from where he sat on her carpet. “And that hurts?”

“It did,” she insisted. “But now, now I think I’m just an asshole for being mad. Like, at all. He’s in a fucking rehab centre, and if he’s good there. If he’s happy… I’m selfish to want him back, or to want him to want _me_ back. We broke up for his sake, or at least I believed we did. And he seems happy like that. And I guess that’s all I want.”

Jackson smiled. “I sense a but coming on?”

She raised an eyebrow. “But…” She smiled slightly that he guessed it. “But, I’m just so sick of people telling me that he was bad for me, or that he’s a shitty boyfriend when they know _nothing_.”

“What don’t they know?”

Jessica hesitated. “Things that nobody can know. Not even you. Things he told me, in private, that was between us. I can’t tell anybody that. So it’s like, no matter who I talk to about this… The only person who truly knows the situation… is Justin. Or Clay. Maybe. And that’s frustrating.”

“It sounds frustrating. If it helps… You can tell me. I promise not to say a word about it to anybody.”

Jessica shook her head. “No, even if you did keep it a secret. There is a line I’m not willing to cross even for my own sake.” She frowned. “I know things you couldn’t even imagine. I know things nobody knows… Sometimes I think, I used to know things that even Justin didn’t know about himself. And it was exactly what you guys judge him for, Bryce, the drugs. Everything. And I realised that I could be mad at him for letting _it_ happen but I couldn’t hate him. He didn’t mean for any of it. He was just hurt, and torn and, as awful as it sounds, I’ve been in a similar position. And you watch things happen right before your eyes. You’re still responsible. You still fucked up but, it’s not black and white. It’s complicated.”

“It sounds complicated,” Jackson said, “I mean, your relationship sounds really complicated. So, I get how much it sucks for people to judge it.”

Jessica nodded. “He didn’t know what he was doing. I don’t think he’s ever really known. Back then, especially, he was barely getting by. Barely. And what happened to me pushed him over the edge, and I think he lost a lot of himself when he ran away.” Then she sighed. “So, as many shitty things as he’s done, I can’t be mad. Not really. Especially not right now. Because I think now, in that rehab, is the first time he’s ever been sure of anything. And that’s getting clean. But before, I loved him regardless of that. He had no idea what he was doing, nobody ever really does, but for him it was different. I think he knew one thing, though. And that was that he loved me, despite what everybody thinks. And that’s so fucking sad. Because he fucked up, terribly. But he makes me happy, so much happier than he’s ever made me sad.”

Jackson was looking at her critically, “Jess…”

“I know,” she said, “I fucking know. But I was so fucking done being sad, and having regrets. I knew he’d make me happy, and that getting back together with him would mean I had no regrets. Nothing that made me look back and think, what could have been? How could my life have been different? Because fuck that. I loved him, and I deserve to be happy.”

Jackson was staring at her, concerned. He just didn’t understand. “He was high. The _entire_ time you dated… Both times.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “Yeah, but the first time he was kind of funny.” She smiled. “You know once he was so stoned that I convinced him it was Halloween in the middle of July.”

 **J** essica leaned in close to him, and he smelt like weed and tequila, but she ignored it. His mom had run off overnight and stuff like that always pushed him over the edge. Or at least that was what Bryce had assured Jessica when she texted him that her boyfriend was off his face high for some reason when she showed up at his house on Saturday afternoon.

“Hey babe,” she whispered, and he stared at her. His eyes were so red that she took the joint from his hands and put it on the table. Then she decided to fuck with him a little bit. “Are we going to this Halloween party tonight?” She asked him with a smile.

Justin went wide eyed. “Fuck. There’s a party tonight?” He responded so slowly, like he was trying not to let her know that he was stoned.

“Yeah,” she insisted. “At Sheri’s. You promised you’d come.”

“Shit,” he ran a hand over his face, “I totally forgot.” Staring intently at her, he blinked, like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “Are you in costume?” Then he looked down. “Am I in a costume? What am I?”

Giggling, she held his face in her hands and looked into his eyes. “No, but you have to get changed. Into a really good costume. So you look really hot.”

He nodded, “yeah, yeah I should do that.” Then he laughed. “I’m gonna look so good. You’re gonna fucking love it.”

She smirked, he was so out of it. “Am I?” Enthusiastically, he nodded. “All the girls are gonna love it. I’m sure.” Staring at her, his eyes rounded pleadingly, and he pouted.

“They are?” He asked in despair. He wasn’t happy to hear that all the girls in their class thought he was hot. Although sober, she was pretty sure he knew.

Jessica nodded. “Yeah, your costume is gonna make everyone at the party wanna fuck you.” She tried not to laugh as she said it. Then he started to cry.

“Holy shit,” he whispered, “they’re all gonna wanna fuck me.” It was as though he had no idea what was coming out of his mouth. Even if there was a Halloween party for real, there was no way Jessica would have let him go looking like this. Too many people, mainly Bryce and Zach, would have taken advantage of him like this. Jessica was lying if there wasn’t a million things she wanted to do and see how he would react. 

“Babe,” she whispered, still trying not to laugh, “why are you crying?” There were genuine tears running down his cheeks.

“Because,” he said, “I don’t wanna have sex with them.”

She held back her laughter, “yeah? What do you wanna do?”

He wiped a tear away. “I think I wanna watch Shrek.”

“Okay,” she told him gently, “we can ditch the party and watch Shrek.” He quietly mumbled his thanks as she wiped the tears from his face and giggled. “Did you need a hug?” Sadly, he nodded, and Jessica hugged him very tightly.

 **J** ackson stared at her. “So… Did you guys watch Shrek?”

Jessica shrugged one shoulder. “We tried. It got like twenty minutes in and he was way too stoned. He got scared of Shrek. And insisted they were speaking Spanish because he couldn’t say Scottish.” Smiling, Jessica shook her head. “I had to stay the night because I was worried he’d do something dumb. We slept on the couch and when he woke up the next morning he threw up for like two straight hours. It was _disgusting_.”

Jackson’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “So… that’s a good memory?”

Jessica tucked her hair behind her ear and brushed Jackson’s critique off. “He apologised to me. He promised he’d never do anything like that again, let alone get high if he knew I was coming around. And then we went out for lunch.” Jackson made a face and she frowned. “What?” She raised an eyebrow. “Just say it.”

He shrugged. “It just sounds kind of… Toxic.”

She scoffed, “whatever. We were happy. And… It’s over now so who cares.”

“You care,” Jackson said. “I can tell you care. You want someone to validate your relationship with him. To tell you that you love him, and that you should go get him back.” He shook his head. “But no one is telling you this, are they?”

Jessica frowned. “No.” She bit her lip. “I don’t want your opinion, but thanks for listening to me. It’s nice to talk about it.” As she was staring at her hands in her lap, Jackson got up on his knees and crawled to her on the side of the bed. He reached up and kissed her. It was short, and she didn’t pull away or have time to consider kissing him back. When he drew back, he looked at her.

“Your feelings are okay. You don’t have to know. Nobody ever knows why they feel the way they do. Most of the time they just find the easiest answer, and fuck everything else. But it’s okay. No feeling lasts forever. No heartache lasts forever. This won’t.”

“This isn’t heartache,” she whispered.

“What is it then?”

She thought on it a moment, then laughed. “I don’t know.” Maybe Jackson thought he could fix her. He thought if he was kind to her, she could throw away all her feelings for Justin, and love him instead. And that night when she went to bed, when she tried to fall asleep without the crushing loneliness that only came about in that Christmas break. Jessica thought that maybe she could fall in love with him. Or at least, he could be more than some boy she got drunk with and cried to. He was exactly what her parents would want, what her therapist would want. What everybody would want.

* * *

"I cannot believe this," Laine shouted as she paced the reception room. "A relapse? A _relapse_? You've been here for barely a month." 

"Laine," Matt argued, "just calm down. Shouldn't we be thankful it's taken a month, and it was only weed."

"Only weed," she rolled her eyes. "Next it'll be _only_ cocaine, or _only_ meth, or _only_ heroin and we'll be right back where we started." 

Justin stared at them from the couch, and Clay standing to the side just watching. "I'm really sorry. I'm really really sorry. I didn't mean to... I just..." 

Laine sighed, her frustration seemed to fizzle out of her. "I know you're sorry." She crossed her arms over her chest and looked at him. "It's just slightly humiliating to leave a family gathering because the child you're adopting and putting through rehab has relapsed." Then she shook her head. "I don't mean that. I'm just angry... I'm not angry I'm just..."

"Disappointed?" Clay piped up. 

"I'm that," Laine decided and Justin nodded that he understood. No one other than Laine had ever said they were disappointed in him before. That had to mean someone had expectations of him, and nobody ever expected anything from him. But Clay's parents were different. They believed he could get better. So, when they did, he believed it too. Because he didn't want to disappoint them. 

"Don't be hard on him," Clay said, "... He broke up with Jessica. I think we should be relieved it was only weed." 

Matt glanced over at Clay. "This isn't a time for jokes," he said. 

"No," Justin spoke up, "he's right. I mean, when Jess and I broke up the first time, that was when I started using. But I didn't even mean to do it this time. I just... I was sad." 

"How come you broke up?" Laine asked. 

Justin shook his head. "It doesn't matter." 

She cocked her head, "well it does matter if you're gonna spend your time in here not getting better. The nurses are here to help you get better. If you're having problems, talk to them." 

"I'm fine," he argued defensively, "I just... It was there and I thought it would make me feel better. But it just made everything worse. I'm sorry." 

"Well," Laine said, and Justin had never seen her so hurt. "You ruined Christmas, I hope you're happy." Matt and Clay looked like they wanted to argue, that they weren't nearly as concerned with his relapse. But, they didn't say anything, and Justin didn't blame them. He'd been on drugs for the last however many months, living in their house and letting them adopt him. They had done so much for him, and never complained. He didn't blame Mrs Jensen if this was the last straw. The time she finally got mad. The way she would if she really did care about him, and his wellbeing. That was what he told himself. She was angry because she cared. Which was a million times better than his own mother who had never been angry with his choices, she had just ignored him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let justin foley (and jessica davis) be canonically bisexual 2k20. yes, that's an important part to the plot.
> 
> thanks for the comments last chapter. they are genuinely the only things that keep me going in these dark and depressing times. gonna need some more to inspire me to finish this fic bc i've written the ending, and nothing in between lmao. & hope you're all staying safe.


	8. Heartlines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had writers block for the whole chapter I'm sorry it took so long. next chapter is like half done though lol

It was the 26th of December, and Maddy had sneakily convinced the nurse to let them go to the local shopping centre in town. Though she had no intention of actually shopping. Maddy had something different in mind. At 12pm on the mark, the nurse left them at the front of the centre. They had two hours. Maddy texted her dealer to meet them three streets down in a dirty alleyway one would only suspect for just that, drug dealing.

Maddy, dressed in an oversized sweater and her straight black hair tied up on top of her head, looked like a model for a teen magazine. Not somebody about to buy drugs. Justin and Scott however, had about a fifty percent chance of being judged. But when they stood next to Maddy, they just looked like kids hanging out. Nobody did a double take of them.

“This is a bad fucking idea,” Justin said as they stopped at the end of the street. “Do you have any idea how much shit I got after Tuesday?”

“You’re being a pussy,” Scott said, “this is different. Maddy doesn’t share the good stuff.”

“The fucking what?” He asked.

“H,” Maddy said, her eyes staring into his. As though she was asking something of him. Asking him to keep quiet about it, and as though she wanted to see his precise reaction.

“You’re fucking kidding me,” they were staring at each other. “Maddy, you’re like two months clean.”

She shook her head. “I’m not. One month. And I don’t care. It’s fucking Christmas and I don’t intend to spend it sober.” Justin wasn’t sure what had happened to Maddy in the last 24 hours, and how she had gone from catfishing some 40 year old and planning her own episode of Queer Eye to wanting to relapse, but he figured it had something to do with her dad. Something to do with her mentioning how hard Christmases were. But the three of them had spent Christmas together. The Jensen’s were out of town visiting Clay’s grandparents until tomorrow, which they had been very apologetic about and Justin honestly hadn’t cared. He’d spent 17 years treating Christmas like it was just another day, he was kind of scared about it actually. What if he screwed it up? So instead he had spent the day playing board games with Maddy and Scott, and Scott’s mom brought them gingerbread cookies. It wasn’t a family Christmas but it was better than any Christmas he’d had in a very long time. And that was the point of his recovery, wasn’t it? Just to be better than before.

“Stay here,” Maddy told them as she glanced around the corner of the next street. They were on the side street next to the main road. And from that street was another one. Nobody would be able to see Maddy from the road. She would be hidden by two old apartment buildings.

“Where are you going?” Scott asked her, she gestured with a nod around the corner.

“Just keep a watch out for like cops or some shit.” Scott nodded.

“Wait, are you sure you can do this alone?” Justin asked her.

Scowling, Maddy glared at him. “What you think I can’t defend myself? I’ve been buying this stuff for years.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “No, Maddy… You look like a narc.”

She squinted her eyes and glared. “Actually I was going for a hooker. So suck my dick.” She reached up and tightened her ponytail and then glared at them both to stay back. “I’m on my period, okay? Don’t fuck with me.” They both raised their hands in surrender and moved away from the corner between the two streets.

“Have fun,” Justin told her sarcastically and she winked at him.

“Get a good deal,” Scott added after her as she rounded the corner. Once her footsteps faded, they both turned to each other with a sigh. A collective agreement that this was fucked up but neither of them could do shit about it. Scott leaned back against the wall, next to the corner and slid down until he was sitting on the concrete. Justin weighed up his options and did the same. He sat beside Scott and drew his knees up to his chest.

“Uh, your mom was really nice yesterday,” Justin said into the silence.

“Yeah, she’s great.” Scott stared down at his hands, his mood darkening. “She’s really sick though. Sometimes I think I’m the only thing keeping her alive. And I hate that because she suffers… For me.”

“Shit… I’m sorry.”

Scott shrugged. “We don’t have to talk about it.” He shook his head. “Otherwise I might just join Maddy around the corner.” Gently, Justin laughed just to be polite but he didn’t really find it funny.

“You just let her do this shit? You just sit here, knowing what’s going on with her?”

Scott shook his head. “Maddy and I have been here for four months together. She’s been here herself for almost a year. When we first met, yeah, I tried to get her to stop. To take this shit seriously. But… She doesn’t fucking listen. You know she doesn’t. Instead she’d go all alone to meet these fucking guys, and I just couldn’t let her do that. I couldn’t let that happen. I figured I’d rather be here to watch her, to make sure she’s safe, then to let her do it alone. I don’t know. I think that’s love. Real love. Not unrealistic fairytales of what life should be. It’s fucking real shit, and it’s not always easy.”

Justin nodded. “I guess. I guess that makes sense.”

Scott’s expression turned inquisitive. “Should we talk about it?” He asked.

“Talk about what?” Justin glanced beside him.

“That you kissed me back the other day… Should we talk about it?”

Justin only scoffed. “I… don’t think we should.”

Scott chuckled, “well, I liked it.”

“I thought you said people are drugs, and you can’t let them fuck you up?”

“Yeah, well, only when you take too much. If you take the right amount, it can be the only thing that doesn’t fuck you up in a place like this.”

Justin nearly laughed. “Really? I think you made that up.”

“I did,” Scott agreed with a smile, “but, it’s true. It is. I mean, aren’t Maddy and I the only thing keeping you sane right now?”

Justin laughed. “That’s true. I think I’d have gone insane.”

Scott clicked his tongue. “Well, without us you’d still have Jessica. So, I guess it’s a 50/50, right?” They both laughed quietly. “But, still, rehab is hard to get through without other people in your situation that you can trust.”

“There is something really… Fucked up about rehab. About treatment centres and I can’t, like, put a word to it. But…”

Scott smirked, “there are _majorly_ fucked up things about rehab. And drugs in general. Institutionally like the way we see and deal with them. Societally. It’s all fucked. The whole world.”

“How?” Justin asked curiously. Mostly he just wanted to have a conversation topic while Maddy bought her heroin.

Scott let out one sarcastic laugh. “Because rehab centres are designed to work against drug addicts. The ones who need rehab, at least. Like, people on the streets who get addicted to heroin or meth, they’ve got issues. In their head. It’s rape or domestic violence, or depression or schizo. Fucked up stuff that can’t be fixed with a bandage or sex. But drugs fix it, right? So, these people have no fucking money and the only thing you need to be rehabilitated is money. So, you see, the system is designed to work against them. People look down on them for the drugs they turned to for things people couldn’t even imagine. And they expect them to get better but… economically it’s designed against them. Rehab was designed for rich people smoking crack because they have too much money. Not for the people who _need_ it.”

“You don’t think they need it?”

“I think that a lot of what gets them addicted is problems they could solve _without_ drugs. Why don’t we start oppressing rich people?”

“Eat the rich?” Justin quoted.

“Eat the rich.” Scott confirmed with a smile. “See, you, me and Mad. We’re lucky. We’re three in a million who have come from nothing and have the chance to get better. I could never take advantage of that. Ever.”

Justin frowned. “Sometimes I… I think about what it would have been like if I hadn’t come back. From the streets. If I’d stayed there. Or gone back…” He hung his head and stared at his hands in his lap. “It’s fucking terrifying. Because I only did it for Jessica. At first, I mean. But, fuck, what if I’d been afraid to come back. What if they’d never come to find me?” He shrugged defeatedly. “I think I’d be dead. Or worse.”

“No, see, the way your life has turned out is by divine intervention–“

Justin laughed, “by fucking what?”

“God,” Scott said, as if it should have been obvious. “God creates your destiny. Whatever happens, it happens for a reason.”

Justin stared at the wall opposite and made a face. “That completely contradicts everything you were just saying,” he nearly laughed. “You think He wanted all those homeless addicts to have no hope of getting better? You think God made you do meth? Do you think God wanted Maddy’s dad to rape her? Or for my best friend to rape my girlfriend? No. Don’t put the actions of others down to some fucking God… Come on, if God existed none of us would be here right now.”

They sat in silence for a moment. And honestly Justin didn’t really know why he’d snapped like that. Usually he just didn’t care. But… Why would anybody believe in a God when they’d suffered more hardship than any ordinary person could imagine? With a smile, Scott leaned over and kissed him again. Their lips barely met for a second before they heard Maddy shout from around the corner.

“What the fuck! I’ll scream.” They both pulled away from each other and scrambled to their feet in a hurry. They rounded the corner and saw Maddy being pulled by her ponytail by a man much taller, much bigger and much more terrifying than her.

“Hey,” they were both yelling and Justin stepped closer as the dealer let go of Maddy. “Leave her the fuck alone.” Maddy stumbled back and scowled.

“He wanted me to give him a blowjob as payment,” she said. Standing confident once again, she crossed her arms over her chest. The dealer tried to stand his ground but nobody wanted to take on three junkie teenagers on a side street. This was no place to try anything.

“Just give me the fucking money then, bitch,” he said.

Maddy’s face screwed up and she stepped forward to him, “you’re a cunt,” she spat. And then she actually spat in his face.

“Maddy!” Justin grabbed her and pulled her back. “Just give him the money.” They were all standing quite sporadically, and Justin didn’t really know why he was at the front, with Maddy and Scott behind him. But Scott was the only thing holding Maddy back from beating the guy with her fists and pure rage. The kind of pure rage that came from someone who was raped like she was. Justin turned to Maddy and took the money from her, she was glaring at the dealer and Justin turned back.

“Here, take it,” he held the money out and the dealer snatched it off him with a sneer. “Now leave her the fuck alone for good.” He turned and walked off, leaving the three of them behind in the alleyway.

“Jesus,” Scott sighed when the dealer was far enough, “Maddy, what the fuck?”

“He wasn’t my usual dealer! He just showed up with the shit.” She was throwing her hands around as emphasis.

“Whatever,” Justin said as the dealer turned the corner and disappeared for good. He turned to Maddy. “Are you okay?”

She smirked, “I will be.” She leaned her back against the graffitied wall and slid down until she was sitting with her knees to her chest. Justin looked at Scott and he shrugged, they sat down either side of her. They were both watching her with such terror as she got out the syringe and drew the brown liquid into it. Justin had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t want to watch her do this. It was different when you watched drugs affect someone else. When it was you, who cares. But someone else? That was hard to watch. Especially when it was the same drug you’d only just detoxed off.

“Maddy, are you sure about this?” He asked gently. She nodded slowly, watching intently as she stuck the needle into her arm. Scott drew his knees up to his chest and stared at the wall opposite. He couldn’t look. But Justin did. Even though he didn’t want to. He watched as she took a deep breath, and her head leaned back against the concrete wall. Then slowly, her breathing became laboured and her eyes went back into her head as she closed them. Scott was sitting, staring still at the wall as though transfixed. Justin felt like he was the only one who was sitting in the alleyway and fully aware of where he was. He watched as Maddy’s body went limp and he pulled the needle out of her arm and put it back in the bag. How did this become his reality? He had detoxed off heroin just to be back here in this alleyway with the same fucking drug. Only worse because it wasn’t his body it was going into. When you’ve suffered that much pain, it’s easier to hurt yourself than watch anybody else do it. Maddy’s head fell to his shoulder and he moved her around so that her whole body slowly fell onto his lap and she was lying there. On her side, of course, so that if she threw up she wouldn’t choke. But her head was resting on his knee so, she would have to throw up all over him. Not that he cared, really. This was her life on the line. And he started to understand how it was for the people around him who had watched him suffer from his addiction. That feeling of watching someone deteriorate and risk their life for a drug. But he knew Maddy’s side of it. That thing that nobody in Justin’s life understood, and nobody in Maddy’s life understood. So he was left with one thing. Sitting and watching her until she woke up again.

Justin turned to look at Scott. “She’s fucking black out high, dude, what the fuck?”

With a frown, Scott shrugged. “Well, aren’t you glad we’re with her? Otherwise she’d be out here by herself, and who knows what the fuck they’d to do her.”

“Do you ever do it? Do you still buy shit?”

He shook his head. “No, no way. I’m four months clean and I intend to stay that way.” He held his arm out. The scratches and the raw flesh that he was in the process of healing. “Look at this. I don’t ever wanna go back to that.”

“Neither,” Justin agreed.

“But Maddy,” Scott said, “she’s been like this her whole life. Her dad fucked her up really bad, and everything after that didn’t help a fucking bit. And dear God, I love her and I wanna help her. But I’m just a kid. I’m one person. I can’t handle her recovery and my own.”

“That’s what you meant,” Justin said, “when you said that it’s dangerous to love people. To put their recovery ahead of your own. You were talking about Maddy.”

“I was talking about a lot of things. But… You should know. Maddy’s your only chance of getting out of this place. I mean that.” Scott was staring at her limp body. “She’s insane, but, she knows what she’s doing. It’s hard to watch her throw her life away like this. But it makes you realise it’s not fucking worth it. She’s still miserable. She’s the reason I’m clean. She used to take me out here and shoot up, and I’d sit and watch her like you are. And it was just in my head that… I don’t want that to be me. I hate that she sacrifices herself for it. But… I’d do anything to help her.”

“What can you do,” Justin said defeatedly and Scott nodded. “It’s fucked up.”

“When I get out of here, I’m taking her with me. We’re gonna get out and I’m gonna help her get better. I’ll take her to fucking Europe, or Canada. Somewhere else. To show her she can find a reason to live.”

“That’s…” He smiled. “That’s really nice.” Scott reached over and patted Maddy’s head, he chuckled.

“What the hell, her hair is so soft.” Making a face, Justin grabbed Scott’s wrist and moved it away.

“That’s so creepy,” he nearly laughed, “she’s unconscious. If anybody walks past and sees us it’s gonna be really fucking hard to explain.”

“God, I know,” Scott smirked, “especially since she’s dressed like a hooker. And I look like a stoner.”

“What about me?”

“You…” Scott made a face, weighing up his options, “look like you should be calling someone a slur.”

Justin laughed. “Well, shit. That makes us look even worse.”

* * *

Jessica heard her phone vibrate from the bench in the bathroom. Rolling her eyes she put down her mascara and picked it up. It was a text message from Ani.

**Jessica. That’s a date. Seeing a movie is a DATE.**

Jessica frowned, typing back.

**It’s not a date. People can see movies together and it not be a date.**

Ani responded not even seconds later.

**It’s totally a date.**

**It’s not a date!!!!!!!!!**

**It’s a date.**

Jessica shut her eyes and ignored Ani’s pestering. She wanted a rise out of her. Because Ani didn’t like Jackson. Ani liked Justin, and she was convinced that he and Jessica would get back together eventually. But everybody else Jessica knew, save for Clay and Zach of course, preferred Jackson. But, at the end of the day, Jessica didn’t care. She was lonely. She just wanted a friend.

**It’s not a date. He knows I just got out of a relationship.**

Ani texted her back after a second and the message lit up on Jessica’s now background of a Gloria Steinem quote. That was what it had been for a while before she and Justin’s relationship went public. Then it had been a picture of them that Tyler had sent her. And now it was back to the quote. Even while they were on a break she’d kept that background… It would be nice to return to it one day. It had deserved at least a month for being such a nice picture. With a sigh, she glanced at the message from Ani.

**Classic fuckboy. He wants in your pants. He wants to be your rebound.**

Jessica genuinely laughed.

**Nobody wants to be a rebound he’s just being friendly.**

Jessica let Ani respond one last time before she put her phone down.

**He wants to fuuuuckkk**

* * *

“That movie was so shitty,” Jessica said, walking out of the theatre.

Jackson held his hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry, I thought it looked good from the trailer. How was I supposed to know it was that awful?”

Jessica laughed. “Did you read the reviews?” She asked him with a smile.

“No, who does that?”

She pouted. “I do,” she insisted.

He scoffed, “why’d you let us go then?”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “Reading reviews is the job of the person who suggests the movie. God. You asked me to hang out. It was me trusting you.” Then she shrugged. “And you failed. So…”

Jackson laughed. “Hanging out? Is that what you call it?”

Jessica’s heart stopped. Oh no, she thought. “Yeah… Why? What would you call it?”

Jackson smiled. “Well, I kind of asked you out as a date. I thought you thought it was a date too.” Jessica tried not to show him how shocked she was. Mostly she was annoyed because now she had to text Ani back and read a hundred ‘i told you so’ text messages.

Looking down and following the carpet as they walked, Jessica stared at her hands. “Jackson… I thought we were just hanging out.” She felt so stupid. Maybe she was just used to people being upfront with her. But Jackson didn’t strike her as the type to dance around a subject. Part of her felt like she’d been set up.

All he’d said was ‘ **Hey wanna go see this movie on Thursday** ’ and Jessica, being bored and lonely, said yes. Because he’d been fun to hang out with last Monday. But maybe she was just not used to dating. At least not used to dating people like this. Girls did this all the time. Went on dates with boys they thought were cute and waited to see if it could go somewhere. She didn’t have to _like_ him. Even though it would be more exciting if she did. Maybe just this once she’d have to force herself to move on.

“Sorry,” Jackson said to her, “my bad. I guess I’m just a little confused.”

Jessica shook her head. “No, it’s okay. I’m the idiot. I’m just not used to dating and stuff.”

He smiled. “But, you dated…”

She frowned. “Alex and I went from being friends to dating. It wasn’t like this. And Justin and I were a secret. But, even with him at first it was different.”

Jackson smirked, “why?” Jessica couldn’t answer that honestly. Because she _liked_ Justin. She wanted to date him. When he asked her out the first time she knew it was a date because she wanted it to be one.

“Because, we were friends. And… Back then I didn’t have a reputation.”

“You don’t have a reputation now,” Jackson assured her.

Jessica made a face, “yeah I do.” She laughed, but nothing about it was funny. “First I was a cheating, lying slut. Don’t you remember that?” She frowned. “You know, I’m pretty sure some of the sports teams still believe I lied about that. They think I called it rape because I cheated…” Which honestly was always a ridiculous lie because who would cheat on Justin? And with Bryce of all people. Come on, Jessica wasn't stupid. So much of that rumour was fucked up, but the fact that people believed it was worse.

“No one thinks that,” Jackson said. “No one is that awful.”

She shrugged. “Well then I’m still a victim. I’m a bitch. And according to gossip from the last month, I’m a slut again. Who will put out for anyone.”

“Who started that?”

Jessica huffed. “Alex. He didn’t mean to though. Once a secret’s out it’s out.”

“What do the rumours say now? Now that you guys broke up?”

Jessica smirked sarcastically. “There are oh-so many. My favourite one is that I dumped him for going to rehab. As in, I wanted him to keeping fucking me even if he had to be high.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m also very easily putting out now, apparently. And he dumped me because I wouldn’t do heroin with him.” She scoffed. “He’s gonna be fucking pissed to hear that rumour when he comes back.”

“Why don’t you clear it up?” Jessica shook her head because he didn’t understand what it was like to be talked about constantly.

“Because,” she said emphatically, “it’s no ones fucking business. Not even the truth. My personal life isn’t for public consumption.”

“You’re like a celebrity,” Jackson joked.

Jessica didn’t find it funny. “No I was a victim of a crime that got put on blast around the whole school when it was nobody’s business. And people at Liberty just wanna sensationalise my trauma. It’s that fucking simple, Jackson.”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Don’t be. It does nothing.” They both stood outside the Crestmont in silence for a moment. Staring at each other. He was really cute, and when he smiled at her his whole face lit up and she liked it when he smiled. She liked that he was honest. She liked that he was nice to her, and that he didn’t see her as a victim. That he cared about things she cared about. About HO, about sexual assault, about bullying. She liked that he wasn’t like his friends. She liked that he wasn’t on drugs, that he was well adjusted and normal. But none of these things mattered in the end. What mattered was how she really felt, and she didn’t know the answer to that yet.

“So, have we agreed this was a date?” He asked.

Jessica thought on it a moment, then she smiled. “A shitty one, yeah.”

He laughed. “I’m sorry. I thought it was gonna be good.”

She smirked. “You’ll have to make it up to me.” With a wide smile, he made a face that Jessica assumed meant he had an idea. “What?” She asked warily.

“New Years. There’s a party. Come with me.”

She made a face. “Jackson… I don’t know if I wanna go to a New Years party. I’d rather stay home with my family this year.”

“Come on,” he insisted. “The whole football team will be there, and like half the school. It’s gonna be good as. You don’t wanna prove the rumours true."

Jessica squinted at him curiously. “What do you mean?”

He shrugged nonchalantly, and Jessica was staring. “They think you’re uptight. People, mostly the assholes, used to say that Justin was the only thing that made you interesting. You staying at home on New Years is only gonna prove them right. You gotta come. It’ll be fun.”

She heaved her shoulders. “But I don’t wanna drink and then come home to my parents and…”

“You can stay with me,” he offered. “People are staying the night. It’s only at Charlie’s. Come on.”

Jessica rolled her eyes, giving in. “Fine. I’ll come. But no weed.”

Jackson laughed. “Okay, I promise.” When he leaned in to kiss her, she glanced around to see if anyone was watching them. It was relatively busy but no one was looking. She was normal now. There was nothing wrong with Jackson, and maybe if Jessica could get herself to fall in love with him then there would be nothing wrong with her. Ever again.

* * *

“My ex,” Scott began as the three of them sat on the floor of Maddy’s room, “used to live with my mom and I. He used to cook for us. Clean. He was the person who took care of my mom and I when we couldn’t take care of ourselves.”

Maddy frowned. “Then you broke up with him,” she said.

Scott shrugged. “He still looks after my mom while I’m in here. I really did love him. And once I get out I think I’ll still love him.”

Maddy made a face. “Loving someone just because they’re kind to you is so manipulative. It’s like, tomorrow I could give you all of my dad’s money to pay for your mom’s medical bills. We could be strangers, and I’m just being nice. You feel the need to love and appreciate me for that. I could be a murderer. A homophobe. Racist. And the list goes on.”

Scott made a face, “what the fuck Maddy?”

Justin nodded. “She’s kind of right. It is manipulative. It’s so easy to buy the love of someone who has nothing. And it’s so easy to buy their loyalty.”

Scott rolled his eyes. “Well, then, what’s your idea of real love, Madeline?”

Maddy smirked. “If he fucks you when you’re on your period. That’s _love,_ bitch.”

“That’s _so_ gross,” Scott said.

Justin made a face. “How is that any different to the gay sex you described in detail last week?”

“Yeah,” Maddy agreed. “I’d honestly say period blood is preferable to shit.”

Scott shrugged. “I don’t know like… It’s blood.”

“I thought you were a feminist, Scott?” Justin mocked him.

“I am,” he insisted. “And look, I like boys. I don’t know the female body any more than the next gay.”

“Have you ever done it?” Maddy asked Justin.

He shrugged, “Jessica was horny, like, 24/7, what do you think?”

“She did not strike me as someone like that…” Maddy said with a laugh. “Like me, I mean.”

“Yeah, cause she’s nothing like you,” Scott said. “She’s gonna be like the fucking President one day.”

“You barely know her,” Justin said in annoyance. Why did they bring her up when they were the ones who talked him into breaking up with her?

“What, you don’t think she could be President one day?” Scott turned a curious look to him.

“That’s not what I meant,” Justin corrected. “What happened to the ‘not talking about Jessica’ rule? Just change the subject.”

Maddy made a face. “We can talk about her _now_. It was just for the first week.” Then her lips pursed. “Then you guys broke up so…”

“Why don’t we talk about you Maddy?” Scott turned the topic to her.

She shrugged one shoulder. “Let’s talk. When I was sixteen I got knocked up by some random and had to get an abortion from a pedophile in a van.”

“Holy shit,” Justin said. And they all sat in silence, Maddy wasn’t bothered by it.

“Just a day in the life of Madeline Flores,” she said in a light voice. It meant nothing to her. No wonder she’d snuck a bag of heroin and extra needles into the centre after Wednesday. Her life truly meant nothing to her. It had no value but to warn others. Like she had lived through a nightmare that wasn’t worth coming out alive from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is your trigger warning for the next chapter. if you thought the drug use in this chapter was bad..... next chapter is probably the worst its gonna get. also a warning for sexual abuse and rape. it's also when we reach the true climax of the story.... and y'all will hate me for it.


	9. Human

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um Jesus, wow..... how to put this.... my heart goes out to every jesstin shipper, and every justin stan. we're getting really fucked over by season four and I am absolutely fucking depressed about it. I've been drinking all my worries away. day and night. I have never loved a character like this, only for this to happen. I am holding out a small amount of hope but.... yeah it's small. sending you my love over the next month. it's gonna be hard.
> 
> On that note - this chapter is really traumatising too, and while I'm not brian yorkey and I ain't gonna do anybody dirty..... depending on how you're feeling with the news you might wanna take this one slow. and it's long. almost 9k words because I started writing and I had so much to cover and it just got out of hand. I considered splitting it into two chapters but I didn't know how.  
> so please be safe reading this. if you struggle with sexual assault, or drug addiction.... please be careful!! *cough* @ mr yorkey THIS is realism, go eat an ass if u think overdosing and dying is realism *cough*  
> oh also - I haven't proof read because it's so long and I am too depressed right now with everything that is going on....

Jessica wandered through the wide open front door to where the party was. Everybody was inside; dancing, drinking and shouting. Jessica walked through, dodging people, mostly strangers until she found the room where most people were. The living room. It was a large open space, the couches pushed to the side for more room and speakers blasting music from the walls. There was a bar set up in the corner with people doing shots and girls pouring vodka into red cups of soda. As she was standing in the centre of the room, looking around, someone came up behind her. As a strangers hands reached around to cover her eyes, everything went black. All she could hear was the pounding of I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry through the speakers, and then a voice.

“Guess who…” It was a deep musical voice and she hadn’t even needed to hear him ask.

“Umm…” She drawled, humouring him. “Is it Jackson?” He pulled his hands away and laughed.

“You cheated,” he said with a smile as she turned to him. “Or you’re just super fucking smart.”

He leaned down to kiss her and she giggled. “How much have you had to drink?”

He hovered over her lips to answer. “Well I’ve had like three beers, and two vodka shots. But that was since 4 when we started pre’s.” He shrugged. “I’d been sober for a bit, but now I’m back drinking.”

Jessica looked at him like she was trying not to laugh. “It’s only 10,” she said with a wide smile. With a chuckle, he slipped his arm around her waist and squeezed her ass until she took a step back and he let go. She was uncomfortable. “I need a drink,” she told him warily. He wasn’t even fazed. He was too drunk.

“Yes!” He grabbed up her wrist and led her to the drinks table. “Jess, you gotta do a shot with me.” Jackson let go of her hand and put his hand on the small of her back instead, like he was pushing her to the drinks table.

“I don’t do shots,” she told him. “I don’t like hard liquor.”

He scoffed. “Bullshit. You drank half a bottle of vodka with me in a park. You’re gonna do it and you’re gonna like it.” He poured two shots of tequila out and slid one over to her. His arm slipped around her waist and he pulled her close to him. Then Jackson took his phone out and got up the video on the camera. He held it out and made sure they were both in the frame. Jessica watched him, waiting. She didn’t know why he was filming it. “Ready?” She nodded, picking up the shot. “Go!” They both downed the shots at the same time and Jessica’s face screwed up. It was terrible.

“Oh my fucking G–“ She was cut off as he kissed her and she began to laugh. She hooked her arms around his neck because he wasn’t letting her go, and then his kisses got harder and heavier and he dropped his arm with the camera. He ended the video, and dropped his phone on the table to start feeling her up. Jessica pulled away, annoyed by how drunkenly touchy he got. She didn’t like that. His hands went in her hair instead, his fingers combing through the curls.

Jackson was smiling at her. “Will you be my offical girlfriend?” Jessica had to stop herself from panicking. She didn’t know if she wanted to be his official anything. She’d thought they were taking it slow. She had just got here and things were already going too fast. His night had begun hours ago, hers just a few minutes. Not to mention she hated the taste of tequila and now she wanted some food to cover up the taste.

“Jackson…” She stared around the room, hesitating. She didn’t know what to say.

“Come on,” he urged her. “All my friends are giving me so much shit about it. They’re saying you’re still way too hung up on your ex to be with me.”

Jessica made a face. “What the fuck? I’m _fine_.” She was not fine. “Fuck all those people.”

“So, come on, let’s make it official. Say you’ll be my girl.” He tried to wink but he was pretty intoxicated. “We’d be so hot together.”

Jessica rolled her eyes playfully. He was being cute. “Fine,” she decided. “We can be official, I guess.” Jackson threw his hands in the air and shouted, people around them looked over at him.

“She said yes!” He shouted, and people drunkenly shouted back congratulations as though it was an engagement. Jessica pushed away from him with a smile and went back to the drinks table.

“Well…” She said, glancing around the table, “could you go get me some food?” Looking up at Jackson he nodded eagerly.

“Shit, yeah. Is pizza good?” She nodded, doing whatever she had to to get rid of him while she wasn’t drunk enough to find him funny. He wandered around the dance floor until he found the next room. With a sigh, Jessica turned to the drinks and poured one red cup full of pink soda. She looked over at the vodka and considered adding some. But then she looked around at the people at this party. She barely knew any of them and they were all wasted. Nothing about this felt safe. So instead she just picked up the cup of pink soda and wandered off in the direction Jackson had gone. Some girls waved to her and said her dress was pretty. She just smiled and pulled her jacket on tighter since she was kind of cold. In the next room Jackson was shovelling pizza into his mouth and talking to people about who knows what. Jessica went up to him and took a piece from the open box on the table.

“What’re you doing?” She asked him curiously, smiling innocently.

Upon noticing her he went wide eyed in excitement. “Jess, you won’t believe this!” He took his phone out again and typed in his passcode. “I put up the video of us and we’ve already got a bunch of likes. It’s totally official.”

Jessica’s brow furrowed. “What?” She asked. “You uploaded it where?”

He shrugged, nonchalantly. “Insta. Snap. All the shit, really.”

She glanced around. “I don’t want that online,” she said. “Can you take it down?” What if her parents saw her doing tequila shots and being groped by a boy? They would never trust her again.

Jackson waved his hand. “It’s only up on my story. It’s fine. I didn’t even tag you.” She sighed and pretended it was fine. But it wasn’t. Pictures like that told stories that nobody needed to know, especially since people loved to take a special interest in her personal life. It’d only make her look bad. “Come on, let me make it up to you. We can do whatever you want.”

Jessica shrugged. “I don’t know. What’s fun?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Beer pong?” He looked at the cup in her hand and grinned. “Oh shit, vodka soda?” She nodded. “Nice, lots of vodka?”

With a fake smile she nodded, “yeah, lots.” She had to lie. If not she feared he might force her to take another shot, or five.

* * *

“Hey dude, isn’t this your bitch?” Henry asked over the music.

Justin turned around and scowled. “What the fuck are you talking about?” Henry shoved the phone in his face with a video playing on loop. It was Jackson Moore’s profile, and the video was just an hour old. It was Jackson, standing with Jessica doing a shot. Henry, and the circle of his friends stood around watching as Justin stared at the video. At first he just rolled his eyes. Jessica didn’t do shots. She hated them, she hated them more now than she had before. He glanced up at Henry’s smirking expression and wondered what happened in the video to get that reaction. Did he really want to know? When he looked back Jackson and Jessica were kissing, drunkenly and passionately. Justin shoved Henry’s phone back. He didn’t want to see any more.

“Isn’t that your bitch?” Henry asked with a grin. He was loving this.

Justin shrugged. “That’s _Jessica_. Yeah. Where did you find this?”

Henry shrugged. “Jackson Moore and I go back a few years. Swim team.” Then he smirked. “But I recognised her by her tits. Oh, and how willing she is to fuck anyone.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “Shut the fuck up.”

“What?” Henry asked innocently. “If she fucked you she’s obviously got low standards. So what is it? Daddy issues? Divorced parents? Is she dumb? A huge bitch?” Then the corners of his lips turned up psychotically. “No, I know what it is. She got raped, didn’t she? Because you _let_ her get raped. Yeah, I read your records. And she just came crawling the fuck back because nobody wants a slut with baggage.”

Justin glared. “Well, you saw the video. Obviously somebody does.”

Scott butted in to the discussion with a scowl. “You don’t have to be such a cunt, Henry.”

“Go fuck yourself, Scott.” Henry bit back.

Scott only smiled. “Do it,” he urged. “Call me a fag, we all know you want to.”

“Dude,” Justin turned to him, “just stay out of it. He’s not worth it.” No, he wasn’t worth it. Henry just wanted a rise out of him like always. To make him feel better about being in rehab, because that made people feel like shit. He just needed to know he was better than someone, or better than everybody else in here. And Justin was easy, because there was so much wrong with him to be pointed out. But God, taking the high road sucked. He would have given anything to punch Henry in the face and watch him cry while blood pooled from his broken nose. But, he didn’t think he could take on Henry’s six junkie friends that were all watching them. And he was also much more preoccupied with the image of Jessica and Jackson running through his head.

“Can I get in line to screw her?” Henry asked. Before anybody could respond Maddy pushed between the three of them and cocked her head.

“Dude, nobody would fuck you even if your daddy paid them a million fucking dollars.” She smirked at him and brought her arm up. Thinking she was about to slap him, he dodged back and instead she swung her elbow right between his eyes and slammed it into his nose. He yelled out in pain ,and stumbled back, blood already pouring like a river from his nose. Maddy just smiled, looking with pride at all his friends circling around him, staring at her with their jaws to the floor. “You know what they say about crackheads,” she met the eyes of every single person in the room. There was something pretty badass about Maddy where she did shit and nobody had the balls to challenge her. She was powerful. “Can’t keep it up their fucking nose.”

“Madeline!” Everybody except Maddy turned to the source of the voice. One of the nurses. “You’re exempt from this New Years party. You’re confined to your room.” He was on the other side of the room, and Maddy’s back was to him. She stuck her middle finger up and Justin looked over to see him roll his eyes. “Miss Flores,” he shouted impatiently.

“Suck my dick, Arthur,” she called, beginning to turn around.

“Now!”

She put her hands up defensively and began to walk. “I’m going,” she said mockingly. Her eyes rolled and everybody stared as she went. “Don’t miss me,” she told them all.

Scott clicked his tongue at her. “You’re a psycho,” he said, trying not to smile. She just winked at him.

* * *

“Why are you taking so many photos of me?” Jessica asked as she took a sip of soda from her red cup. The flash went off from Jackson’s phone as he took another photo before his hands dropped to his sides.

“Because you’re beautiful,” he said, but he was drunk and she was sure those photos would be out of focus.

Jessica rolled her eyes, “right, okay then.” She tucked her hair behind her ear and glanced around. “We have thirty minutes until midnight,” she said. “What’s the plan?” All they had done was stand around all night. She’d had one conversation with Ani about Jackson, and she still wasn’t on board with the relationship. Then again, Jessica didn’t blame her.

“Plan?” Jackson asked. He scoffed and shrugged his shoulders. “We’ll do the countdown. We’ll have a drink and then I guess we can go upstairs. Alone.”

Her eyebrows went up. “Alone?” She repeated. A drunk Jackson was as bold as a sober Jackson. And she wasn’t sure she wanted to go upstairs, alone, with anybody. “That’s an early night,” she said.

“It won’t be early,” he told her with a suggestive smile. When she didn’t rise to the bait, he got tried of her. “Come on, you’re too sober. You need another shot.” He dragged her over to the bar again and poured her a shot of vodka. “This should loosen you up.”

She frowned. “Loosen me up?” She mocked him, taking the shot cup from his hands. She had to do it, otherwise she was sure he would force it down her throat. She held it up to her lips, watching him over the tiny shot cup. Jackson was distracted, watching the people around them. So Jessica only did half the shot before tipping the rest into her soda. When Jackson looked back at her, she smiled and handed him the empty shot.

“That’s hot,” he said.

She made a face. “It tasted like shit.”

* * *

“Are you still looking at those pictures?” Scott asked with a roll of his eyes. They were sitting tiredly on the couch in the main hall. Everybody else was over dancing but neither of them wanted to do that. They were content to sit, and talk.

“No,” Justin told him defensively, “I’m just… Looking.” He shrugged, as though it was nothing.

“Come on,” Scott snatched the phone from his hands and shoved it in his own pocket. “She’s at a party. With a guy. Of course there are pictures.”

“Her _boyfriend_ ,” Justin corrected in annoyance. Part of him felt like Scott didn’t understand the true depth of what was happening. “She just looks happy.”

“No, she fucking doesn’t. She looks like a girl at a party. They always look too happy or like their miserable.” Scott was staring at him. “I’m serious, dude. You wanna see a girl happy, you see her after sex. That’s when she’s happy.”

“Why should I be taking girl advice from you?” Justin asked with a smile.

“Because,” Scott told him, “I have a lot of friends who are girls. And I just know shit.” Justin rolled his eyes, he didn’t believe that. He wanted to believe the worst, that Jessica was happier now than she had ever been before. Maybe he liked being sad. He liked to feel like he had done the right thing in asking to take a break. Had he?

“I don’t wanna talk about Jess,” he said.

Scott clicked his tongue, “yeah, you do. Come on.” With a hand on the arm of the chair he pushed himself up, glancing around. He cocked his head before looking down at Justin. “You coming?” With a sigh, Justin stood up after him. He had no idea what Scott wanted. He grabbed Justin by the arm and pulled him down the hall. They walked a little, and Justin very quietly protested until Scott let him go. They stopped outside Justin’s room, and Scott tapped the door.

“Seriously?” Justin asked him. Scott nodded. He was very serious. It was nearly a collective effort as they pushed the door open and walked inside. It was empty of course, and there was one lamp sitting beside Justin’s bed that was turned on, illuminating one half. Scott walked in like the room was his own, like Maddy would walk in. And he sat on the floor beside the bed that was pushed up against the side of wall. Slowly, Justin joined him and sat down too, slouching. Scott’s knees were bent, and his arms hooked around them. Justin sat beside him, his legs straight and his eyes simply on the wall ahead.

“Come on,” Scott said into the quiet. “What is it about her that you can’t let go of? I wanna know.”

Justin pretended to laugh, as if it was nothing. “I’ve let go. I’m fine.”

Scott smirked, “there are so many people in the world. Girls _and_ boys who are prettier, nicer, more fun, whatever the fuck. She’s one person in a million. And you don’t seem like someone who has a lack of options.” They both kind of laughed at that. “So what the fuck is it? What’s so great about her that I can’t seem to understand?"

Justin shrugged. “With Jess, it was like, she just got it. The way people look at me. The stories they make up. She never looked at me like that. She didn’t give a shit that I was fucked up. It was exactly what I needed. For someone to love me… regardless of how fucked up I was. And she did that. She just understood. I would get high and she’d just ask me why. Everybody else just rolled their eyes and ignored me. But there was always a reason, and every time I told her she didn’t pity me. She just got it.” Then he laughed to himself. “Her fucking rapist died and I cried over it. She had every right to lose her shit at me, but she didn’t. Cause she got it.”

“You’ll find that with someone else,” Scott assured him. “It’s a strength of character. Of love. Empathy, and compassion. That’s all that is. A lack of selfishness. She actually gave a shit about how you felt. Rather than other people only giving a shit about how you made _them_ feel.”

“It’s different though,” Justin said, “with her. I think… When we got back together after everything that happened. And she loved me.” He shrugged. “It made me feel good. Like, better than I’ve ever felt. Because I fucked up and anybody with a fucking brain would run away. I knew that she was never coming back. That I didn’t fucking deserve it… But she did, you know. All by herself. Because she wanted to. And she stayed… because she wanted to. You know what that feels like? When the person you hurt the most comes back and loves you, and can see past that mistake? I finally felt like maybe I wasn’t a complete fucking waste of time. I was made to feel worthless, like really fucking shitty, my whole and by so many different people. And she was the first person who didn’t make me feel like that. Like, when you just feel safe. Which is cliche and dumb but, still, it’s like no matter what happens if I have her, it’ll be okay.”

“That’s the best feeling,” Scott said. “It’s real. Not like that bullshit they tell you in the movies. About the butterflies and all that shit. Nobody can truly make you safe in this world, but they can make you feel safe. It’s like the opposite of butterflies. It’s still exciting but it’s like, you know no matter what you say they’ll always love you, and you can just forget all your problems and be in the moment.”

“Exactly,” Justin agreed with a smile. “When your life is just a huge fucking unpredictable hurricane… That’s the best feeling. It’s the same feeling you get from heroin.” Then he laughed slightly. “I never realised that before.”

Scott clicked his tongue. “People are drugs, dude. I told you.” Then he made a face. “I’m gonna say something and you can’t call me a faggot.”

Justin laughed. “Why would I call you that?”

“Because, I’m glad you broke up with Jessica. And not the reason you think.”

Justin shrugged, interested to his explanation. “What reason?” Scott was smart. Probably the smartest person in this place. But he also genuinely cared about people. About Justin, and about Maddy. There was something endearing about that. Where Scott made him feel similar to the way Jessica had. Because Scott was too good for this place, and for everybody in it. And that if he liked Justin, knowing so much of what he had done and who he was, that meant he wasn’t stupid. It meant he was worth something, at least Scott believed he was. That was a good feeling.

“Because you put your own self worth onto her love for you. And that if she were to die, or to leave you, you would feel worthless again. That’s why they say that cheesy ass shit about loving yourself before you love someone else.” Scott shrugged. “There is nothing wrong you. There is nothing unlovable about you. And until you accept that, and you forgive yourself for what happened to Jessica, you can’t be in a healthy relationship with her. Or anybody for that matter.”

“Well… Great.” With his shoulders slumped, Justin rolled his eyes. “So, what? I’ll never have a healthy relationship?”

“Let me finish,” Scott warned him. “I think when you get clean for good, you’ll be better. When you put it all behind you, because you will, you’ll be better.”

“You really think so?”

Scott nodded. “I know so. And she’ll come back. Fuck whoever that guy is. She’s with him because you’re not there. As soon as you get out of here, and you’re healthy and better than ever. She’s gonna be like desperate for you to like suck her…” His expression twisted. “Pussy? I don’t know what straight people do.”

Justin genuinely laughed. “It’s _eat_ , but you totally knew that.”

Scott smirked, and he bumped their shoulders. “I did. I just wanted to make you laugh.”

Smiling, Justin shook his head. “You’re so… Nice? How the fuck did you end up here? You’ve never told me.”

Scott shrugged, staring around the room. “It’s kind of fucked up.” The two of them shared a look, as if Justin was challenging him to one up how fucked his life could be in comparison. Scott sighed, giving in to finally letting Justin know his secrets. “I came from the South – Mississippi, actually. And it’s still fucking huge for, you know, the alt right and shit like that. So, being one of the few black kids in a town that hated me… Was fucked up.”

Justin smirked, “and you’re gay,” he added.

“ _And_ I’m gay,” Scott said with a laugh. “Yeah, it was… A fucking nightmare. My dad was a church pastor. Very religious. And I’d known I was gay since, like, fucking forever, and I was terrified to tell my parents.” The two of them looked at each other and there was a common understanding between them of just how difficult it was to stand up to the beliefs of someone you loved.

“I get that, that’d be scary,” he said gently.

“It was, yeah. But… It was worse because, we have all the white power groups. Neo fucking Nazi’s and everything.”

Justin made a face. “Seriously? They still exist?”

Scott nodded in disappointment. “So, super fucked up, right? They don’t believe in education and they take their kids out of school at a really young age and get them cooking meth. _Meth_. That’s how they make their money in their super tight hate groups. That’s how they survive. They make and sell meth. And where I lived, there was a family that used to sell meth to black people, or gays, or jews or anyone they hated. And they would lace it with shit sometimes. But they would start selling it in the hope that it would kill people and they could just blame it on the drugs.”

Justin stared at the bed on the other side of the room. He couldn’t believe it. “You’re fucking kidding me. That’s so…”

Scott smirked ironically, “yeah, they do it all over the country. It’s their fucking way of controlling people, and having a part in society, especially with all their swastika tattoos and shit. But, they started selling meth to kids. Black kids. They sold that shit to my brother when he was ten, and it killed him. Killed my sister too. She was seventeen.” Scott sighed. “It’s how I got addicted. I was younger than them. So, when I was thirteen, and already an addict, my parents couldn’t do it anymore and we moved to California.” Scott sighed, and Justin could tell it only got worse from there on. “My dad found out I was gay, and he kicked me out of home. I was thirteen, and I was sleeping on couches of people I had known for like, three months. It was fucking insane. My friends parents were threatening to call child services and I said no. I thought they’d take me back eventually.”

“I can’t even imagine what that would be like…”

“It was humiliating, because, I was just me. It was an accident that he ever found out. All I’d done was kiss another boy at school, and then the boy told his parents and they called my parents. I never thought it would get out. I was so scared. But all my friends lived in these great houses with wonderful parents and I would immerse myself with them and convince myself that one day I would have that. With someone. And no matter what my kids were like, who they loved, or how they acted, I would love them and I would make sure they never went without anything.” Scott wiped a tear from his cheek. “Then my dad died when I was fourteen. He had a heart attack. And I never got to make amends, you know. And I moved back home because my mom couldn’t live on her own. They didn’t know I was addicted. And by the time she found out it was too late.”

Justin frowned, “what happened?”

“She got diagnosed with cancer,” Scott was nodding like he couldn’t believe it. “We put all our money to her treatments. All of it. We lived in the Sacramento shelter for almost a year.” He sighed. “And then we got this tiny fucking apartment, and we got to live there. But… my mom gave up on her treatments about four months ago and she decided to put me through rehab instead.”

Justin went into shock, he didn’t know what to say. “Jesus, Scott…”

“Yeah, my life is _so_ fucked up.” He laughed through his tears, because that was all he could do.

“How long does she have?”

Scott bit his lip to force down a sob. “Any day now. I just wait for the call. Day by day. Minute by minute.”

“That’s no way to live,” Justin whispered hoarsely. He leaned the side of his head on Scott’s shoulder, and Scott responded by moving closer and leaning into him. They both just stared at the empty bed on the opposite side of the room. “How come you never told me?” Justin asked into the silence. Scott went to shrug, before remembering that Justin’s head was leaning against his shoulder.

“Well, not everybody in here has to know everything. You told Maddy everything because she’d threaten to beat it out of you if not,” they both laughed quietly. “But, I mean, you never told me about you and Jessica. The history there. And I know it’s something you’re ashamed of, right? Well, I’m ashamed too.”

Justin’s face screwed up. “But… It’s not the same.” He sighed. “I fucked up. It was all on me. You did nothing wrong.”

Scott smiled, “you don’t get it. When you experience that kind of treatment from your own parents, you spend the rest of your life terrified that everybody else will treat you like that. I’m out, but I’m still ashamed. Ashamed that I was born into that family, raised that way. Ashamed of my own father. Living with something like that, it’s what separates me from you, or me from Maddy. You’ve never experienced that kind of isolation, or hatred.”

“No,” Justin agreed, “I haven’t.”

“What’s it like?” Scott asked him. “To never have to worry about being beaten, or fucking stripped of your rights for loving somebody?”

Justin nearly smiled. “You mean having basic human rights? It’s, uh, pretty fucking good.” Scott laughed. “Sorry, that was a shitty joke.”

“No,” Scott insisted, “it was good.” He drew his bottom lip between his teeth and chuckled to himself. “It’s nice, you know, to talk to you because I don’t feel like a compete and utter fuck up.”

“Dude!” Justin laughed. “You are the furthest thing from that… I mean compared to me you’re, like, fucking Obama.”

Scott made a face. “Because I’m black?”

Justin laughed again. “Because he was a good president… I think.”

“He funded a whole war. Killed thousands through aircraft–“

Justin rolled his eyes. “Just take the fucking compliment, Scott… Jesus.” 

Scott huffed, smiling. “I didn’t mean it like that. Like, that I’m better than you cause I’m not. It’s just that the other people here, they don’t get it. They don’t know. They look at my scars and my skin and they think I’m some fuck up who got addicted. They don’t know the half of it. But with you it’s different. It’s like it doesn’t matter. Because people like us, we’ve all made fucking bad decisions, and there’s no judgement. How can you judge someone when you’ve done things just as bad?”

“Right,” Justin agreed. “That’d just make you an asshole.” With a sigh he shrugged. “My whole life I was surrounded by people who had fucking everything. My best friends. Still to this day. They have everything. Their lives were so fucking easy. I mean, like, people struggle and shit goes down but… My life was constantly struggle. I was so ashamed of it. I told nobody. And it feels selfish and, like, shitty, but the shit they would cry over felt so… unfair.”

“Unfair, how?”

Justin shrugged. “I just don’t know why they get to have an easy life, and I’m left with nothing. Time and time again. It’s like, we were simply born into a shitty life. Shitty things happened to us when we were fucking children. Before we could know any better… And for that, what? We have to spend the rest of our lives trying to be better, to put that shit in the past?”

“Privilege,” Scott said. “White privilege. Rich privilege. Straight privilege. It’s all fucked.”

“We get these labels and these reputations. Fucking stereotypes. And it’s like… We were just kids. You got sold meth when you were a fucking kid. And I got abused, and Maddy got raped. And my shitty fucking mom just ignored me my whole life. Like fucking why? Who decided that?”

Scott sighed. “Dude, you’re so lucky that you get to start over. And I think once you get the hell out of this place you should put everything behind you.”

“I intend to.”

Scott smiled. “No, really. They say that your past makes you who you are, but I think… I think you’re who you are despite all of your past. For people like us, that’s just how it is. But, Justin, you deserve a good life. A better life. And you always have. If anyone got the chance to fix all their mistakes, to redeem themselves, I’m glad it was you.”

Smiling at his hands in his lap, Justin shook his head. “You deserve a better life too, Scott. So much fucking better.” Scott carefully moved his head to look across at Justin. He leaned in and kissed him. And for the first time Justin genuinely kissed him back. Scott was smiling as they continued kissing, reaching up to touch his cheek. They went on like that for a bit, waiting for the other to pull away or pause or say something. But neither did. Eventually Scott sat up on his knees and shifted his position while they were kissing. He crawled over, chuckling gently because he could barely see what he was doing, and kneeled over Justin. They rested their hands on each others cheeks and the kissing got heavier.

Scott smiled, leaning back slightly. “You’re such a bottom.”

Justin tried not to laugh. “Fuck off,” he whispered back.

“Wait,” Scott whispered, smiling. “What about the countdown?”

“Fuck the countdown,” Justin said, “they’re just numbers.” With a chuckle Scott leaned back in and they went back to what they were doing.

* * *

Five! Four! Three! Two! One! And as the clock hit, right on twelve, Jackson leaned around and kissed Jessica. She had partially expected it, but it didn’t stop her from being taken by surprise. She liked the way he kissed her. It was sweet, and passionate. Happy New Year! Everybody shouted and Jackson drew back from kissing her.

“Did you wanna go upstairs now?” His arms were around her waist, holding her closer.

She smiled, “sure. We can go upstairs.” He kissed her once more and then took her hand.

* * *

They hadn’t been paying attention, their focus much more suited to each other. So when the countdown began, Justin didn’t know what was happening. Everything had been fine, and he had been okay with what was happening. Scott knew exactly what he was doing, and nobody would have expected any less of him. His hands moved and it was enough to forget every fucked up thing that had gone on tonight. Then the countdown began, and something happened. At first the counting didn’t bother Justin. The screaming on the other side of the door that echoed throughout the centre. He didn’t care. He was more interested in Scott. But the more he ignored the countdown, the heavier Scott’s affection got. And that was when things got scary. The counting continued, and Scott’s hands went further and further. That was when it hit him. There was something familiar about this, but not in a good way. There were voices in the back of his head, and he started to panic. He didn’t know where he was. Past, present or future. He didn’t know who the voices were but they were there. They were real, or they had been.

They were shouting. Grunting. Drunkenly hollering. The mere sound send a shock through him. He heard them screaming out in celebration of the new. He heard fireworks go off, and Scott moved his hands down and down. And Justin’s eyes opened in terror. He wasn’t in a room with some junkie on New Years Eve. In his mind, he was on a backstreet in Oakland. Where no one could hear him scream. He was high, almost to the point of blacking out. He had no control over his body. And God, he wished he had blacked out. There were drunken men, dealers maybe? Five of them. He couldn’t remember. He didn’t know. But things had happened that night. Fireworks went off above him as they did things to him he couldn’t even comprehend. Things he had blacked out on the side of the street from afterwards. Things he had never remembered. Not until now. And now… Now it felt like that memory was going to stay for good. Just like all his memories of those nights. They only went away with one thing.

His eyes were shut tightly, but he couldn’t do this anymore. “Get off me,” shoving Scott’s chest, Justin tried to get away from him. “I said get off me!” Scott quickly crawled off to sit where he had been before.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay? Did I do something?” Grabbing the side of the bed, Justin tried to stand, but his whole body was numb. Scott, noticing this, tried to help but Justin pulled away.

“Just don’t fucking touch me!” He avoided Scott at every cost. He couldn’t be near him anymore. He didn’t want anybody to ever look at him. Or touch him. He didn’t even know he had that memory in his head. He’d never had it. Something horrid had awoken it. But it was still there. That feeling. Scott wasn’t Scott anymore. He was five random men and Justin couldn’t escape it. He couldn’t escape his past. “I…I have to go,” Justin barely managed to say before walking out the door. He didn’t know what was going on around him. Who was who. He walked through a crowd and he didn’t know who they were. It was all him in his head. He wandered, and he walked into walls. He just stared right ahead. At nothing. The panic in his chest rose and fell with every breath but it never stopped. It was constant. He found his way to Maddy’s room. Somehow she was the only safe person he could think of. She was like Jessica in that way. The only person he could trust to help him. He pushed the door open and she was in the middle of the room, sitting cross legged on the floor.

He sat down opposite Maddy on the carpet and she stared at him, but she wasn’t there. Her head was all clouded. She was fucked up. The syringe still hanging from her arm. It had always been her plan. He knew exactly what was going through her head. Nothing. And God, he wanted that again. She looked so peaceful. So happy. So content.

He picked up the second syringe from the floor beside Maddy, and grabbed the tiny bag of brown liquid. Trying to steady his breathing, Justin drew the liquid into the syringe until it was all gone. He rolled up his sleeve and tried to breath properly again. He couldn’t. Everything was still running through his head and he didn’t know how to make it stop.

He’d hurt so many people. Himself included. He was the one constant in every problem in his friends lives. How fucked up was that? That was the one thing he heard constantly. Don’t let your misfortune fuck up other people’s lives. And guess what? He’d let his fucked up life, fuck up other people’s lives. All the time. Everything had been his fault. It had started with him and he carried that guilt every single day. It was the photo that caused everything. If he hadn’t done that then nothing would have followed. It was all his fault. He never would have dated Jessica, maybe. She would never have been raped by Bryce. And he never would have let Bryce get away with it, so Hannah would never have been raped either. See, that was his fault too. Chloe was his fault, the however many others girls. All of them. That was his fault. He’d let Bryce think he could get away with it. Then he ran away and let it keep happening.

He stuck the first needle into his arm. He shot up and got addicted. That was all him. He had sex for money when he knew what could come out of it. He knew the danger. But he just needed the money. He was selfish. He should have just shot himself that night that Jessica found out. He could have saved himself a lifetime of pain and addiction. And it wouldn’t have mattered. Nobody would have come. He doubted that anybody would even know he was dead. If he fell into the water nobody would go looking. They’d just write it off as a runaway. He wasn’t Alex. Nobody would have tried to stop him. Nobody would have found him before it was too late.

But after months of barely scraping by on the streets, thinking his life was actually not worthless, he came back. And he fucked up Jessica’s life, just as she was starting to get better. He fucked up Clay’s life. He’d stood by for years while people bullied Tyler, and that had caused Tyler to try and kill people. Not to mention he helped get Bryce arrested, which was what apparently drove Monty to act that day. So, Tyler getting raped was Justin’s fault, right? Which had also led to Tony’s family being deported, so that was also on the list of things he had caused. Directly or indirectly. Bryce’s murder was his fault, because he had been high when he should have answered Jessica’s call. It didn’t matter whether he intended to or not, whenever Justin did anything, people got hurt. His entire existence was ruining lives. He was probably somehow responsible for Alex’s suicide attempt too. He should have seen the signs, right? He was responsible for Clay’s nightmares. He was responsible for the hallucinations. For the tapes too. It was all him. He’d caused everything. How the fuck was he supposed to live with that?

He was nothing but a burden on everybody. On Clay. On Clay’s parents. On Jessica. On Zach. He had himself convinced that not only was his own redemption possible, but his recovery too. Now, that was all bullshit. It would follow him forever. And he was lying, everybody was lying, if he thought he could ever escape it. Even Jessica couldn’t escape it. And her rapist was punished. He was dead. But the people that hurt him, which were so very many, escaped any kind of justice whatsoever. There was no healing for him. Not without Jessica. Then there was all the thoughts he had of her. Of how disappointed she would be if he shot up. How much he loved her, and wanted her to be happy. How he had failed her, and how he had lost her. What was the point of trying? What was the point of feeling anything, when he could just run away for good? And everybody could move on and their lives would all be better for it.

He stuck the needle into his arm and injected the heroin into his bloodstream. He felt instant relief. It was like his mind stopped. It was empty. He had missed it, so much. But then the feeling made him go numb. He stared at Maddy across from him and her eyes went wide. They stared at each other and he would have panicked if he could feel anything. He’d blacked out so many times in the past but this time he was scared. He just wanted to feel better, he didn’t know what he was doing. The room started to blur and he heard Maddy’s alarmed voice echo in his head.

“Justin, what the fuck!” His mind was so empty that he heard nothing. He couldn’t comprehend what she was saying. “That’s too much!” And then as she started shouting for the nurse, his world went black.

* * *

“Can you lock the door?” Jessica asked timidly, she couldn’t stop thinking about it. Jackson was touching her all over. His hands pressed into her skin as they stumbled back to the bed. She was pretty sure he hadn’t heard her. He wouldn’t stop kissing her, he wouldn’t focus for a moment on anything other than getting what he wanted. She considered just letting it go but the anxiety in the pit of her stomach only became more unsettled. She needed him to lock the door. Her eyes darted back and forth between Jackson and the bedroom door. “Please,” she whispered, desperately, “can you lock the door?” Jackson opened his eyes, and their faces were inches away, his lips still aggressively connected to hers. He glanced over to the doorway then back.

“It’s fine,” he told her dismissively, “it’s late no one is coming in here.” He bit her lip to the point it drew blood, and that was his way of telling her to get on with it. To shut up and have sex with him.

“Jackson,” she whispered back more harshly. “Please. It’ll make me feel safer.” His eyes were shut but she could tell he rolled them. He barely glanced back over to the door as he put his hands up her dress and grabbed her from behind. She would have locked it herself if he would let go of her. If he would stop trying to _control_ her.

“It doesn’t even have a lock,” he said in irritation. She could tell he just wanted her to shut up. It wasn’t like he could do anything. If there wasn’t a lock then there wasn’t a lock. “Who cares.” Some part of her thought he just didn’t want to lock the door for some reason. He wanted someone to see them. And the other part of her wanted to burst into tears. She wanted to scream at him that _she_ cared. She cared about the door being locked because it would make her feel safer. She was drinking. She was at a party. With a boy she wasn’t entirely sure she trusted while he was this wasted. She wanted some respite. Some kind of safety. But she was okay so far.

“Jackson please,” she begged. But he took it the wrong way and started to pull down his pants.

“Jess, come on, everybody’s drunk. They’re not gonna come in here.” Except they could. But she couldn’t put voice to any more protests as he pushed her onto the bed. He drunkenly crawled on top of her, forgetting that she hated that. But she was okay. She had done this before. It had taken a few months but Jessica had been intent on having sex in this position. And she had. Once, with Justin. Regardless of whether it was something she enjoyed, it was proof that what had happened to her hadn’t done something to ruin her. Or to stop her from doing what anybody else could. Jackson started to pull her dress off and Jessica knew she couldn’t freak out. She couldn’t start panicking otherwise had she really recovered, or had she just settled for months? She started thinking back. Jackson pushed her legs open and the anxiety in the pit of her stomach started to rise. No, she thought. You can’t do this now. You’re better than this. Her mind was flashing as panic rose through her. She tried to think back to Justin, to what it was like with him because she had always felt safe with him. But then it just went back further and further until she was back there in her bedroom. Barely conscious as hands pinned her down and violated her. That feeling came back. And Jackson’s hands suddenly felt like they were someone else’s. And it didn’t matter who he was, or how she felt. In her head he was Bryce. She tried to push the thoughts away. All of them. Because she wanted to do this. She wanted to have sex.

There were tears in her eyes as Jackson pushed himself inside her. But she sat through it. She tried to put her thoughts to rest. She tried to focus. She wasn’t going to let Bryce keep controlling her body when he was dead. Her rapist was dead. Her body was hers. Her mind was all her. So… she could distract herself, right? Push her thoughts away. Focus on feeling good. So she tried, and as Jackson moved inside her, she did the same thing she had done with Alex. She tried to focus on feeling good. She tried to focus on what she liked about Jackson, and she liked kissing him. But he wouldn’t kiss her. He was drunk. All he was doing was thrusting himself into her and grunting. She searched for something else. But by then it was all over. He pulled out and collapsed beside her. Jessica’s breathing shook as she tried not to cry. She took deep breaths, looking over to see if Jackson noticed. He didn’t. His eyes were shut.

“Jackson,” she whispered. He didn’t stir. “Are you okay?” She was the one with tears streaming down her cheeks. Why was she asking if he was okay?

His eyes were still closed when he mumbled to her. “I’m– I’m just tired… Gimme a few minutes and then I can…” His voice trailed off but she was pretty sure he just offered to finger her after he took his alcohol induced nap.

“Forget it,” she whispered back. She wiped the tears from her cheeks. Her legs quivered as they were bent on the bed. Pushing the strap of her bra back onto her shoulder, Jessica sat up on the bed. She pulled her underwear on and ignored her dress. The room felt like it was silent but there was still music blasting from the speakers downstairs. Jessica pushed herself to throw her legs over the side of the bed. Then her feet meet the carpeted floor. The bedroom door was a few steps away, and her legs shook as she stepped over. She put her hand to her chest and tried to calm her pounding heart. Part of her was still pushing the thoughts away. Trying to ignore them. But they never went away. She needed someone to hold her and tell her everything would be okay. But Jackson was out cold.

Jessica looked over at the door. She was a step away from it. The lock was on the ground. A little metal bolt to be pushed in. Jessica almost felt like collapsing to the ground and sobbing until someone found her. If he had just locked the door then none of this would have happened. She could have had sex and fallen asleep like everybody else. If only he had just locked the fucking door. Squatting to the floor, Jessica slowly pushed the bolt in and locked it. She felt safe for the first time tonight. Tucking her hair behind her ear she stood back up and went over to the bed. There were whispers on the other side of the door that if she listened closely, she could overhear.

“Jackson said they’d be in here but the door is locked.”

“What a fucking liar,” the other chuckled. “Of course Jessica Davis would never sleep with him. She’s just a tease.” Jessica rolled her eyes and lay down on the bed. She stared up at the ceiling and started to think. Her heart was still pounding but her head was finally quiet. She couldn’t stop thinking about the door. About how Jackson wouldn’t lock it. It was stupid that she was hung up on it. He was drunk. He didn’t mean anything bad by it. But it was a habit she had. Jessica always needed the door locked when she slept, and when she had sex. It was just the way it was. She had just been so used to it. She forgot that Jackson didn’t know. It was always Justin who locked the door. She’d never had to do it, except when she was home alone. But she thought about those times when Justin would wordlessly get up and walk over to the door in whatever bedroom, motel or classroom they were in and lock the door for her, and if there was no lock then he would find them another room. And even if sometimes they forgot, or she just didn’t notice. He’d always lock it eventually. Sometimes when he stayed the night she would wake up to the door still locked. He would climb out the window at 4am just so that when she woke up, she would still feel safe.

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she remembered that. As she remembered how good it was to have someone who understood how badly she needed to feel safe and comfortable. Now she had to relearn all of that with someone new. All that progress had gone down the drain. She hadn’t felt the way she did for some time. The panic rising in her chest. The flashbacks. It wasn’t unrealistic for it to never happen but she had worked through it with Justin. There was a point when she had decided she wanted to start setting goals for herself and her recovery. Important goals. Such as drinking. Going to a party. Having sex in her own bedroom. Unlocking the door. And then there was the final goal she made in August. She wanted to have sex lying on her back without having a panic attack. It took her a long time but the process was empowering. They would try and try, and each time she would feel nothing but anxiety. Just flashbacks and panic attacks. And each time it happened they would stop, they would talk about it and then they would decide to try another time. And then they would, and it was slow but they got there. And she had cried afterwards because she felt so fulfilled. It had taken time but she finally got to a place in her recovery that felt like she had conquered it.

Jessica’s mind immersed itself in that feeling. The feeling of being loved and supported. Healing from something so ugly in such a cathartic way. Jesus, she thought, tears clouding her vision as she stared at the ceiling. Justin deserved to feel like that after all he had been through, and she had been so ready to be whatever be needed her to be. To do for him exactly what he’d done for her. Because she understood him like he’d understood her. They’d always felt safe together. And now, as she tried to fall asleep, she just wanted the whole night to finally end. The whole year, really. She wished it wasn’t Jackson beside her though. She wanted someone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise u it's gonna be okay


	10. If You Say So

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, new trailer cool..... i just want my jess and justin content so oh well

Jessica stirred, something was ringing in the room. She didn’t know what. She turned over, building up the courage to put aside her tiredness and open her eyes. The ringing kept going and she groaned, finally opening her eyes. Jackson was staring at her, his dark eyes focused on her own.

“You’re awake,” he said with a smile. Jessica nodded, she didn’t really know what else to say. She pulled the thin blanket up over her until it reached her chin, and he abruptly leaned over to kiss her. She let him, but there was nothing about Jackson right now that especially made her want to kiss him back. So he kissed her, and kissed her and she glanced over to her phone on the bedside table. She picked it up, sure that was what the ringing had been, and turned the screen over to she could see it.

9 missed calls from Clay Jensen between 2am to five minutes ago at 9am. 4 missed calls from Zach Dempsey. 2 missed calls from Alex Standall. 10 text messages from Ani Achola and finally the most recent one that came through from Clay. A text.

**Justin is in the hospital. You need to be here.**

Jessica’s heart stopped, and she shoved Jackson off of her. “Fucking shit,” she whispered under her breath.

“What? What?” Jackson was oblivious, staring with his eyes wide.

“I have to get to the hospital,” she said in a hurry. “I need to go right now. Can you drive me?”

Jackson’s face screwed up in confusion. “Why?”

“I just have to,” she insisted. She knew if she told him the real reason he’d never want her to go. It was kind of insulting, wasn’t it? Well, too bad. She needed to be there, apparently. And she wanted to be there.

“I’m not sober enough,” he said simply. “Sorry, you’ll have to get there some other way.”

Jessica scowled. “Can I borrow your car then?”

He rubbed his tired eyes, shrugging. “Sure, yeah. I guess.” With a nod, Jessica scrambled to her feet and grabbed her dress from the floor and tossed it on. It was quiet inside unlike last night, and she could feel how dry and scratchy her throat was from the alcohol, and how much her head had been pounding from the constant noise of the music. Now she just felt gross and uncomfortable. Should she go home first? Shower? Change her clothes? No, she thought. That would only make the anxiety in the pit of her stomach rise more.

“Keys?” She requested in a sweet voice. “Please?” Jackson leaned over the other side of the bed and grabbed them out of what she assumed was his pant pocket. He threw them over to her and she caught them midair.

“Wait,” he said as she was about to walk out, “I’ll come with you.” Jessica nearly stopped in her tracks. What could she say? It was his car. She had been dropped off by her dad at this stupid party.

“You sure? I can drop it off later?” She glanced back from the doorway.

“No, I wanna come. To make sure you’re okay.” He was pulling his pants on and hopping around the room. She huffed a sigh and gave in.

“Okay,” she said slowly, “but please just, like, hang out in the waiting room.” He pulled his jacket on and made a face, walking over to her at the door.

“Why? Who do you need to see?” He blinked innocently. “Are you buying the morning after pill?”

She made a face. “No, you get those from a pharmacy.” She shook her head and carried her shoes down the staircase as he followed. “It doesn’t matter who it is,” she insisted.

“Well, it does if you’re driving my car there to see them.”

With a deep frown, Jessica ran her tongue over her front teeth. “It’s Justin,” she said honestly. What was the point in lying? He would find out eventually. Besides, this was a good way to tell if Jackson cared about her. “He wants me there,” she insisted.

Looking back, she saw that Jackson’s expression was struck with concern. “Do you know what happened?” He asked her, and she was taken aback.

“No,” she said, “I don’t know. He was in rehab so… I can only assume the worst.”

Jackson’s eyes were wide as he hurried her down the rest of the staircase. “Well, don’t waste any time. Let’s go.” Jessica stared as he passed her and ran down the stairs. She followed, just as hurriedly but some part of her was now even more nervous. If Jackson was nervous… Maybe something really was wrong.

* * *

As Jessica pulled up at the hospital, right out the front, she spotted Maddy and Scott. They were leaning against the wall, smoking and talking to each other. They looked the same as last time she had seen them. Maddy was dressed like she was about to attend a college frat party, her hair was in a ponytail and Jessica could spot her long fake lashes from a mile away. And she was beautiful, that wasn’t up for discussion. Scott looked a little like he should be attending a music festival. His jeans were ripped, and his shirt was just a cropped hoodie that she could see the muscles of his stomach through. They looked so out place, but then not at the same time. They looked miserable, and that made Jessica nervous. She was nervous that they were even here.

Jessica turned to Jackson in the passenger seat. “Can you park? I have to go talk to some people. Alone.”

He nodded. “Shit, yeah.” The car was pulled up in the drop off area, and she quickly climbed out, grabbing up her phone and her heels that she hadn’t been able to wear while driving. Jackson jumped out and came around to the drivers seat. “I’ll wait for you,” he said.

Jessica gave him a kind smile, leaning over the wound down window once he got in. “You don’t have to. You can go home.”

He made a face. “I really can’t. I need a fucking breathalyser. It’s New Years Day. The cops will be everywhere.”

“Right, I forgot.” Jessica shoved her phone down her dress and wedged it in her bra. “I’ll text you then. Don’t get caught parking.” He gave her a joking smile and she stepped back from the car, then watched him drive off to find a parking spot. With a sigh, she tucked her messy curls behind her ear, realising how shitty she must have looked. Her make up was smudged from last night with bags under her eyes, her heels made her walk like a zombie because her feet were so sore and her hair was a mess from her restless sleep. When she turned around to the hospital entrance, Maddy and Scott caught sight of her and their eyes went wide.

“Jessica!” Maddy shouted. She pulled the cigarette from her lips beckoned her over with a hand gesture. Scott’s hand dropped with the cigarette and he smiled as he spotted Jessica. Glancing around, Jessica approached them hesitantly. But now there was nothing in their expressions that implied something was wrong. Maybe the two of them had just seen things in their lives that stopped them from feeling anything. Justin was like that with some things. He coped so casually with drugs, and crime. Maybe Maddy and Scott were the same.

“What happened?” Jessica asked them, the words spilling from her lips before she could even think about it. It didn’t matter though. Maddy just wrapped her arms around Jessica and buried her face in her hair.

“Your hair is so soft and pretty,” Maddy said which made Jessica laugh.

“Thank you,” Jessica said as Maddy pulled away. “Your make up is so hot.”

Maddy smirked, cocking her head, “you flirting with me? I love that.” She twirled a finger in one of Jessica’s curls. “I’m always here as a rebound. I tend to find that once you fuck a really hot guy, screwing around with a girl is like the best way to move on.”

Scott rolled his eyes. “Maddy, shut the fuck up. Not now.” Remembering that Scott was beside her, Jessica gave him a very halfhearted hug and he returned it. He had always been her favourite. Justin had complained, positively, about Maddy. But he had never had a bad word to say about Scott. But who would? He was sweet.

“What the fuck happened?” She asked them both. Maddy flicked her ponytail behind her shoulder with a sigh and glanced over at Scott.

“Overdose,” she said simply, and Jessica could barely take it in. “Heroin. It was right on midnight.” With her brow furrowing, she glanced between Scott and Maddy, trying to understand what was left unsaid.

“How the fuck did that happen? It’s a rehab centre.”

Maddy’s head dropped in shame and Scott shrugged. “Maddy had some,” he said. “She bought it a few days ago.”

“I shot up half,” Maddy explained, “and he found the other half and he shot up too much. We don’t know if it was intentional or not.”

Jessica’s eyes went wide as she looked between them. “Intentional? What does that mean?”

Scott’s bottom lip trembled as he dared to speak. “Jess…” He couldn’t meet her eyes. “The hospital, and the centre… They wrote it off as a suicide attempt.” Jessica felt her heart stop for a moment. It shocked her to her core. That was not what she was expecting. There was one thing worse than an overdose. An intentional overdose. A suicide.

“But,” Maddy added in, “he’s not awake yet. He’s in a stable condition, but he still hasn’t woken up. When he wakes up then we know for sure. Suicide or accident.”

“It has to be an accident,” Jessica insisted. “He’s not – He wouldn’t.” The other two just shrugged their shoulders. They had no answers, and Jessica could tell it was eating them up inside too. “What was happening before he did it?” With a small smile, Maddy looked at Scott beside her.

“Uh,” Scott drawled, looking around the parking lot, “we were just talking, and stuff.”

“They were fucking,” Maddy said simply, side-eying her friend. “They’re broken up, Scott. And it’s 2019 now, if she’s homophobic, their relationship is more over now than it ever was.”

“Okay,” Jessica managed. She hadn’t expected that, but it didn’t surprise her. “I’m not judging,” she said. “It’s fine. So, like, what happened?”

Scott’s shoulders went emphatically high as he shrugged. “We were just fooling around and then the fireworks went off and he freaked out. He didn’t want to be touched. He walked right out in like total fucking terror. I think… I think it was a panic attack. Or ptsd. I’ve never seen anything like that.” Jessica’s heart hurt. There were a million things running through her mind, but she couldn’t make sense of it.

“I’m happy you’re here,” Maddy said. “It says a lot about how much you love–“ She stopped mid sentence and stared out over Jessica’s head. Scott noticed and stared too. Jessica saw the scowls on their faces, dark and angry. She looked behind her and saw Jackson approaching. They knew. That meant Justin knew. That meant maybe… Maybe Jessica had caused this.

“Jess,” Jackson called to her, “whose this?” She turned from Jackson, who put his hand on her back, and looked over at the deep scowls of Maddy and Scott.

“They’re some friends,” Jessica said. What else could she say? Drug addicts from a rehab centre. She didn’t think Jackson would do anything other than go right to the restrooms and rub his hands clean for simple interaction. He struck her as that kind of person. Privileged.

Maddy smirked, and it wasn’t friendly. “We’re not friends,” she said, blowing cigarette smoke in Jessica’s direction. “I’m not friends with sluts.” Jessica’s jaw dropped and Maddy turned on her heels and walked back into the hospital.

“Fuck,” Scott whispered before turning to Jessica. “She doesn’t mean that. She just… blames herself for what happened.”

“Scott!” Maddy shouted back and he rolled his eyes.

“Do you hate me?” Jessica asked him. He looked like he wanted to respond, he wanted to say something but he couldn’t. He looked at Jackson, and there was something bitter in his expression. Jessica couldn’t put her finger on it but she didn’t want the situation to continue any longer.

Scott glared at Jessica. “He’d better be gone by the time Justin wakes up.”

Jessica nodded. “He will be,” she promised. And Jackson heard it all. Scott turned and followed after Maddy, and Jessica left some space between them before she followed.

“He seems like a dick,” Jackson said. “They both do.”

Jessica shook her head, walking ahead of him. “They’re sweet. They’re just being loyal friends.” They walked inside, Jessica’s feet wouldn’t stop moving. She needed to be at that hospital bed. She needed to see Justin, and she needed Jackson to just disappear for a few hours so she could focus on the person who needed her the most. Who needed everybody the most. Maddy and Scott were at the front desk asking about how long on average they could keep someone who had overdosed on heroin. They didn’t seem to be getting many good answers. Jessica glanced around the waiting room and spotted Clay walking through, his eyes were on her. He was here to see her, she had no doubt.

“Jess,” he called her over, “come with me.” He looked over her shoulder and spotted Jackson. She could tell because Clay’s expression hardened. He didn’t react like Scott or Maddy. He didn’t yell at her, he didn’t glare. He just ignored Jackson. Clay had more impending things to worry about. Her pace picked up and she came over to him, standing between the large doors into the mental health ward. And Jessica remembered they had written it off as a suicide attempt. It wouldn’t have been. It couldn’t have been. There was no way he would do that.

* * *

When Jessica rounded the corner into the hallway where the rooms came off, she spotted Zach at the other end. His whole face lit up as he saw her, and it was especially obvious as his previous expression had been fairly miserable. He shouted out her name, and Mrs Jensen hushed him, telling him to keep his voice down. He nodded like an insolent child trying to behave themselves, and waited for Jessica to reach him. He too spotted Jackson, and Jessica could tell Zach and Clay made agitated eye contact. Neither of them wanted Jackson here. Who would? He would be easy enough to get rid of, though. Her pace picked up and she ran down the hallway skidding to a stop at Zach's feet. She could have hugged him. But she had more important things to think about. 

"Thanks for calling me," she said. Her head twisted around as Clay caught up to her. "Thanks to both of you." She glanced around the hallway. "Where's Alex? Ani? Are they here?" 

Zach shook his head. "They just left. I've been here since 3am. They came around 6 actually. As soon as they heard."

"We've been here since 1am," Clay added in regards to him and his parents. "Since it happened." 

Jessica tucked her messy hair behind her ears. "Shit," she said, looking between them both. "I saw Maddy and Scott out there. Have they been here..."

"Three hours ago," Clay said. "They had to get permission from the centre." Clay's parents were talking to a doctor on the other side of the hallway. Their voices were hushed and worried. Jessica stared, and Clay continued talking but she wasn't paying attention. Zach had bags under his eyes, from his 3am wake up likely. He was probably the first person Clay called, after Jessica obviously. She was always the first to know. Jessica looked over at Clay, he was still talking but she wasn't listening to anything he said.

"Can I see him?" She blurted out, getting ahead of herself. Not thinking before she spoke.

"He's unconscious," Zach said. "He looks... Dead." 

Jessica's lips pouted. "But can I see him?" The look on Zach's face went nonchalant, as if to say, if that's what you want. He gestured with a nod to the door he was standing beside, and implied that she should go inside. Jessica looked around, first at Zach, who was waiting to follow her. Then the Jensen's whose expressions seemed to be less serious than they were a moment ago. Then back at Clay's blank look and Jackson's a few steps behind. He wasn't paying any attention. Jessica let out a short breath and pushed the door open. As she walked inside she remembered how unwelcoming hospital rooms were. How isolating. How sanitary and impersonal. Not at all a place one felt comfortable in. The bed was backed up to the wall on the opposite side of the room. Zach was right. Justin did look dead. She had seen him sleep, and he didn't look like that now. No, he looked pale and cold. Not peaceful. Not like he would wake up any moment now. Dead. 

"It's not a coma," Zach said into the silence. "The medication they used to like reverse the effects knocked him out. He's gonna be fine."

Jessica turned back to him. "For 8 hours?" She clarified. She didn't believe it. But both Zach and Clay nodded. "Okay..." She tucked her hair behind her ear again the moment it fell forward. Drawing her bottom lip between her teeth she debated walking over to the bed. "Do you guys think it's true?" She asked, not looking at them.

"What? The doctors theory?" Clay asked her. She nodded, her curls bouncing. "No way," he said. 

"Yeah," Zach agreed. "I think it was just a relapse. I mean, what are those guys names? Maddy and whoever? They said he seemed fine moments before." 

Jessica sighed. "I guess," she tried to relax her shoulders, to calm herself, but it was useless. She wandered over to the side of the hospital bed, trying not to stare. Clay and Zach followed her, but they kept well away. She made it to the one seated couch beside the bed. She didn't sit though, she stood over him. His eyes were shut. His expression was blank. She could have poked his cheek and unlike every other time when his eyes would snap open, he would just be unresponsive. It terrified her. What if he never woke up? His arm was exposed on the bed, bruised purple and blue where the needle had been inserted. It hurt Jessica to look at. She quickly picked up the blanket and pulled it over until the bruises disappeared from her sight line. He wouldn't want to wake up to that. 

"You can stay in here," Clay offered, "we've been in here most of the night."

"Since 1am?" She asked him gently. That was dedication. 

"Yeah," Clay said. "My dad went home for a bit but he just got back." 

Jessica bit her lip. "It's nice that so many people came," she said, mostly to Justin who couldn't even hear her.

"Jess..." Clay trailed off. He was looking at his feet, and Zach was staring at the wall. The room felt tiny because she knew Clay was about to say something she didn't want to hear. "He nearly died. For real. The EMT's were like a second away from pronouncing him dead. Then we sat in this hospital room, waiting, to see if they could reverse the overdose." 

"That's why he called you," Zach said. "He thought–"

"I thought you deserved to hear it from me first," Clay finished. "But he's okay now. We're just waiting for him to wake up." With a nod, taking in all that information, Jessica's feet gave out and she sat on the couch. She considered how the night could have gone if Justin _had_ died, and how she had been with Jackson. She would have been crying in a strangers bedroom while Justin was dying in a rehab centre. There was something oddly visceral about that thought. Something haunting. Regretful.

They stayed for hours, waiting for Justin to finally wake up. Jessica sent Jackson away, but he didn't go far. He couldn't. He wandered the hospital halls as far as he could go. He hung out by the Burger King down on the bottom floor. Jessica didn't know what he was doing but he brought her food every so often before politely disappearing again. She couldn't be angry about that. He was here for her, to support her. And he had no complaints about the fact that nobody wanted him around. He didn't try and kiss her. He didn't talk to Clay, or to Zach or anybody else. Zach did end up going home not long after Jessica showed. Clay fell asleep on the couch in the back of the room for an hour. He was tired. His mom left, offering to take him home for a while but he declined. So Jessica was left with Matt, Clay, Scott and Maddy. Then after some time it was just her beside Justin's bed, and Maddy and Scott sitting on the couch opposite. Jackson came back for a moment, telling her he was sober enough to drive her home now. But she asked for another few minutes. Justin was going to wake up any minute now. But she had been saying that for hours. He walked out after that with a groan and Jessica went back to sitting and waiting. She kicked her heels off and rested her feet up on the hospital bed beside Justin. She could do that. It wasn't weird. 

"So what?" Maddy turned her beady eyes to Jessica. "Does he eat you out real good? Is his dick fucking huge? Like... What? What the fuck is it?" 

"Maddy!" Scott whispered harshly. "Shut up." But she didn't listen to him.

"What?" Jessica asked, squinting at Maddy. "What the fuck are you talking about?" 

Maddy shrugged her shoulders innocently. "I just don't understand why you're with him? Why he's here? Is he fucking you in the cancer ward?" 

That was the snapping point for Scott, he turned to Maddy and tugged on her ponytail until her head went back. "Pull your fucking head in, Madeline. What the actual fuck?" Jessica watched them. She wondered what the dynamic was. How it worked. And how Justin fit into it. Well, she assumed. Since they were here, and they hated her. "Don't listen to her," Scott said as Maddy tightened her ponytail. "She's an asshole." 

"I get it," Jessica said. "I do. I know why you hate me." 

Maddy raised an eyebrow. "Oh, you do? And why is that?" 

Jessica's face screwed up. "You seriously don't think the stupid fucking break up was hard on me, too?" She rolled her eyes dramatically. "Not even an hour after I broke up with him I was drunk in a park with some boy I barely knew. I was out of my fucking mind. I didn't want it to be like this." 

"What did you want then?" Maddy asked her. 

Jessica shrugged, she wondered that question herself. "I wanted him to want me back. I wanted him to say he loved me, and he said the opposite." 

That was when Scott chimed in, scoffing in offence. "He said exactly that. Just not the way you wanted to hear it." Scott stared at her, watching for her reaction. "He loved you and he wanted to respect your decision to fuck someone else just days after he asked to take a break. He spent that whole week wanting you back. He did. And you called to tell him you'd already moved on. That would fucking hurt." 

Jessica's frown would have deepened if it could. "I did something stupid because I thought it was what he wanted. He told me to move on and I tried. I just wanted him to know that I didn't want anybody else. That it was just him. And I think I fucked that up." 

Scott nodded. "Yeah, you fucked up." His brow went up. "But it's never too late to fix it." 

A small smile came to Jessica's lips. "I thought you two were a thing?"

Scott clicked his tongue. "I have too much self respect to be a rebound, or a second choice. I just like having sex with hot guys."

Maddy raised her hand with a smile. "Me too. I guess that's why you're my best friend." They both laughed. "Fuck," Maddy hit her bare thigh with her palm. "I need a latte and a smoke." She grabbed her tiny purse from the chair and stood up, Scott followed without complaint and they just walked out. Jessica was left alone. Clay and his dad were out getting lunch in the downstairs cafe, and Jackson was wandering the halls. With a lonely sigh, Jessica took her phone out and leaned back in the couch. She scrolled and scrolled through all the photos from last night. She watched Jackson's videos of her. She saw his photos of her and she hoped Justin hadn't seen them. None of them spoke truthfully about how her night had gone. It didn't matter who else had seen the pictures. Jessica didn't care if her faux relationship was an open door now. Not that it was fake, it was just... It wasn't Justin. And that wasn't what she wanted. 

“Um, what the fuck? Get your fucking feet off my bed.” Wide eyed, Jessica looked up from her phone. Justin was staring at her, about to push her feet off the bed if need be. But, he still looked happy to see her.

A wide smile came to Jessica's face. “Of course you wake up as soon as I’m the only one in here.” She tilted her head and put her feet back on the floor. “Classic.”

He laughed quietly, sitting up a little in the bed. “It was always my plan. I was just pretending to be asleep.” He ran his hands over his face, trying to adjust to the light.

She cocked an eyebrow. “Really?”

He laughed at her, “no, I’m kidding.” Her lips turned into a smile as she stared at him. She had missed him. Everything about him. The way he smiled at her, and how he laughed at all her jokes. The way he always managed to make her smile even when she didn’t want to.

“How do you feel?” She asked him.

He shrugged. “Fine,” the answer was simple. But he looked unsure. “What happened?”

Jessica’s shoulders went up, then they fell. “Don’t know. You overdosed.”

His eyes went wide. “Shit, did I?” She nodded that yes, he did. She was honestly glad he couldn’t remember. It would only be traumatising, and he had enough of those memories.

“Yeah,” she said softly, she stood up at the very edge of his bed. She moved the blanket aside and grabbed his arm out. There was a swollen bruise in the centre where the needle had gone in. When she saw it she grimaced but he remained unfazed.

“Shit,” was all he said. He stared at the bruise, analysing it. She ran her thumb gently over it and waited for him to flinch. He didn’t. “Did I nearly…You know…”

“Yeah,” she said into the quiet. “Nearly.”

He sighed, running his other hand over his face again, “fuck.” Pressing her lips together, Jessica reached up and put her palm on his forehead. He didn’t have a temperature. He seemed fine, just confused. Then she ran her fingers through his hair. It was messy and he smiled at her, even though she could tell he didn’t want to.

“Did you mean to do it?” She asked him gently. He slowly shook his head, his hand coming up to grab hers.

“No,” he said honestly. His thumb stroked her palm as she enclosed her fingers around his. Their hands sat between them on the bed, and Jessica studied the way her skin contrasted against his. She had missed that too.

“Good,” she said hoarsely, she didn’t know what else to say. “Did you wanna talk to me about it?” He stopped stroking her hand, and she intertwined their fingers. The look on his face was torn, she could tell. She could always tell. He was glancing around the hospital room, which usually meant he was considering whatever he was about to say. He looked vulnerable, and sad, like he did when he was about to tell her something dark. But he was hesitating, she could tell as soon as he resisted her grip.

“No,” he said gently, “I can’t really remember, anyway.” She drew her bottom lip nervously between her teeth. She brought his hand up, intertwined still with her own, and held it under her chin. He shared her innocent smile, and relaxed his fingers to touch her jaw, then her bottom lip. She wanted to tell him she loved him. She hadn’t felt like this in so long.

“I’m just glad you’re okay,” she told him and he smiled.

“I’m glad you’re here. Just you.” Jessica tried not to smile but it was useless. She was just so happy to be wanted. Loved. And she assumed he was too. Of course he was happy it was her here. Jessica wasn’t going to yell at him, or berate him for relapsing. She didn’t know why he had done it, but between her, and Scott and Maddy, she was one of the few people who probably understood. Whatever it was that had gone through his head, she should have been there to witness it. Just like he should have been there to witness what had gone through her head last night. Maybe that was the key? That was how she could get him to open up.

“I had a panic attack last night,” she told him softly, and he was staring at her. Staring so deeply into her eyes, she could tell he wanted to know if she was okay.

“But you haven’t had one for months,” he said gently, and she nodded.

“I know,” his hand tightened around hers and she bit her bottom lip. “It was all because of a stupid door,” she said. “It wouldn’t fucking lock and then I started panicking and it got out of control.” She shrugged. “I’m okay now. But I missed you, and when it happened, I just... I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

He was still frowning, but his worried expression softened. “I missed you too.” She leaned over and kissed him, releasing his hand so she could touch his cheek. He tasted strange, she assumed from whatever they had given him to reverse the overdose affects. But it didn’t bother her. She didn’t even care that she had ever been mad at him, and for what? She didn’t remember. It felt like a lifetime ago. There were more important things, and she felt stupid for ever thinking there weren’t. Her boyfriend had been an addict, and it felt like she had gotten mad at him for putting his recovery before her. And now she just felt stupid because she loved him, and she had been selfish. She had wanted to be the one to _tell_ him to put his recovery before her, and she’d had her heart broken when he made the choice for himself. Selfish, is what she had been. And stupid. With her eyes closed, she ended the kiss without pulling away. They just stayed there, and she leaned in closer until their foreheads were pressed together and she stared at him.

“Did I cause this?” She asked him quietly. “Was it me?”

His eyes opened in concern. “Jesus, no.” He shook his head as it was pressed against hers. “You had nothing to do with it.” With a gentle smile, she leaned back slowly and came to stand straight. She took his hand up again in hers, resting it on the edge of the bed. He looked her up and down before smiling. "You're dressed up for a hospital visit," he observed. 

She glanced down at her dress, and shrugged. "I came from a party. Kind of." 

He raised an eyebrow. "Shit, a party?" She nodded. "Well, you look good." She looked like a mess. She had looked in the mirror when she went to the bathroom an hour ago, and no, she didn't look good. Before she could find something to say, something to do other than smile. His face crumpled up in confusion. "Was it a New Years party?" He asked her, and the look on his face was like an innocent child. She didn't think he remembered what had happened leading up to his overdose. 

"Yeah," she said. "New Years. Do you remember what you did to celebrate?" He shook his head. "What do you remember?" His eyes darted around the room as he considered the question. 

"I remember... Maddy," he said slowly. "I remember Scott..." He trailed off as he started to remember. "I remember kissing Scott." He looked up at her to see her reaction but it didn't change. 

She nodded. "Anything else? What happened during that? That's when Scott said you freaked out." She tucked her hair behind her ear, listening in closely. She was desperate for an answer. And was it bad that part of her just wanted all of this to go away? For everything to go back to normal. She wanted to kiss him, and hold him until it all went away. But she knew from experience that didn't work. Now she understood what it was like for the people around her when she suffered. It really was difficult. Because she loved him, and she wanted him to be happy. But that was difficult to happen without all the pain that came first.

"We were just doing stuff," he said. "We were talking. And then he kissed me. And then I kissed him back... He touched me..." Jessica's eyes went wide and he shook his head immediately. "Not like that... It was okay. I was okay with it." She let out a sigh of relief. Since when had she become so paranoid about this kind of thing? Maybe part of her still looked at her loose acquaintances as predators. She still worried. She still assumed the worst. But he looked like he was starting to remember more. "There was a countdown," he said, thinking back. "But we weren't paying attention. And there was this fucking loud noise that–" There were footsteps as he stopped mid sentence and they both looked over to the doorway. To where the interruption came from.

“Jess,” Jackson whined as he wandered in, staring at his phone, “can we fucking go yet? I don’t wanna get a parking ticket.” Jessica’s face fell as she remembered he was here. That _he_ was her boyfriend now, apparently. Did Jackson even remember that from last night? Who cares. There were more important things to her now.

“Later,” she said abruptly, glaring over at him. "Can you wait outside?" She wanted him out. Looking up finally to her angry tone, he stopped in his tracks and stared at Jessica beside her now awake company.

“Oh shit, I’ll be in the hallway.” He turned on his heels and walked out. It felt like forever until he was gone. His voice had terrified her when she had thought she was finally getting somewhere with Justin. With a panicking feeling in her chest, Jessica turned back to the bed. To Justin. Who was glaring at her.

“Seriously?” His tone transformed from how quiet it had been a moment ago. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Just like that his guard went right back up.

“I–“ She blinked, trying to find the words. Had no one to drive me, she wanted to say. Don't love him, she considered. I... I didn't want you to know, would probably be the worst thing she could say.

Justin only scoffed. “Just go. It’s fine.”

Her jaw dropped. “Come on, Justin, he’s just–“

“Go,” he said harshly, then his voice softened. “Don’t let me waste anymore of your time.” He yanked his hand away from hers and she could feel her heart pounding in her chest.

“I’m sorry,” she said hoarsely. She felt terrible about this. Moments ago he had been smiling with her and now it was all in ruins. She stumbled back from the side of the bed, not knowing what to do. She wanted to fix it. She wanted to tell him that she loved him. I’ll break up with Jackson, she considered saying, I’ll do whatever you want me to do. I’ll stay here day and night until you get released. I’ll sit here and listen to everything you just wanted to tell me, and I’ll comfort you exactly the way you comforted me. But she could say none of that. She backed out the door, turning on her heels with her head hung. The room felt huge, but it was small. Her steps couldn't get her out of there fast enough.

“Jess, wait,” he said, but she noticed there was no feeling in the way he said her name. With still a small bit of hope, she turned around, meeting his blank gaze with her wide eyes. “Can you call the nurses in?”

Jessica opened her mouth and tried to make her voice work. “Yeah,” she managed. “Of course.” And so she walked out. By pure willpower she didn’t let her tears fall. She had so much practice doing this, now it just felt like she was wallowing in self pity. You did this, she thought to herself, you have no right to be sad. There was one person who had a right to be upset and that was Justin. What was she thinking bringing Jackson here? She had moved on, and he had moved on. With Scott, who was sweet and caring, and understood Justin’s issues better than Jessica probably ever could. And she had Jackson, who, believe it or not had dropped everything to come to the hospital with Jessica. That was kind. Kinder than she deserved, and she had treated him rather terribly too. She was a monster.

Jessica left the room, pressing the button on the wall to alert the nurses that they were needed. She felt like a zombie the two nurses came down the hallway and passed her, but she just kept walking. “Jackson,” she said, “can you take me home?” He nodded, reaching out to hold her hand but she didn't take it. She had just kissed someone else. She had kissed someone who wasn't her boyfriend. Again. It just felt like Jessica would never feel the same way about anybody else the way she did Justin. And so what? She was supposed to live her life longing after him? Or did she have to force herself to move on. With Jackson. Who liked her, a lot. Who was cute. Who was sweet and fun. Who had a future and no shitty reputation or traumatic past. She was free of all of that. But why didn't she feel free? Instead she felt like a caged animal. A broken hearted, caged animal. Like she had no choices. Like she was just doing stupid shit and paying the consequences for it so some stupid God could laugh at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is an anti jackson account


	11. Salvation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second last chapter....

Clay was standing by the door, he just stared at Justin on the other side of the room. “You’re awake,” he observed. He wasn’t happy nor sad. Clay was tired. And Clay had never been one to openly talk about his true feelings. The feeling of relief he had perhaps. Or the feeling

“Barely,” was the sardonic response that Justin came up with. Clay noticed this, the bitter look in his eyes and the tense air in the room.

“You seem pretty sad for someone who almost died and then didn’t.” Clay wandered inside the room, hesitant about whatever was happening. There had only been a short break between Jessica leaving, the nurses coming in and now Clay showing up. Still, Justin was upset with Jessica. He was upset about a lot of things actually.

“I’m not sad,” Justin said bitterly, “I’d say I’m feeling average for someone stuck in a fucking hospital cause they did something stupid.”

Clay was staring like he was in a trance, it was a moment before he opened his mouth to respond. And when he did speak, it was slow and unsure. “So it’s true?”

Justin made a face, “what’s true?”

“That you…” Clay could barely get the words out, and Justin didn’t even know what he was about to say. “That it was a suicide,” he said, his voice hoarse and hesitant.

Justin went wide eyed, and a guilty feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. “No,” he said, shaking his head fervently. “No, no. It wasn’t that at all.”

Clay hesitated, “you swear?” He was dead serious.

“Jesus, yes, Clay.” With a sigh, he sat up in the bed and drew his knees up to his chest. “I wouldn’t lie about that. I wouldn’t.”

With that promise, the tension in Clay’s whole body seemed to relax. “So why?”

Justin shook his head again, he wasn’t going to have this conversation. “It doesn’t matter,” he brushed it off.

“It does matter,” Clay insisted, stepping closer to the edge of the bed. “You’re in a hospital. On suicide watch.” He rolled his eyes. “It fucking matters.”

With a glare Justin stared at him, and his tone took an edge, “Clay, it doesn’t fucking matter. So just leave it alone.”

“Why are you like this?” Clay matched his annoyance with a glare. “If you’re not lying about the drugs, you’re brushing it off as if it’s nothing. Why?” Justin rolled his eyes, before settling his eyes on Clay again. The difference was that Clay couldn’t be nearly as intimidating as Justin could be.

“You do the exact fucking same. Except I have reasons.” Maybe that sounded cruel. He didn’t care. He just wanted Clay to drop the subject.

Clay raised an eyebrow. “Which are?” He kept pressing and pressing. And Justin couldn’t stand it. He had been about to tell Jessica but that moment was over. Now he didn’t even want to think about it. He was worried what could happen if he did.

Justin was still glaring, his annoyance at Clay continued to rise. “I can’t tell you,” he insisted with force. This argument had to end somehow.

In frustration, Clay’s arms went up in the air. “Why!?” His voice could have been heard from the hallway it was so loud.

“Because,” Justin argued, “you won’t understand!” Now they were both raising their voices.

“How do you know?” Clay asked him. “How do you know? Is it about Jessica? Jackson? The adoption? Fucking rehab? What?” Clay was incredulous. “Whatever it is, I don’t have to be experienced to understand.”

Justin scoffed, “do you seriously think you could understand how it feels to be gang raped at gun point while you’re high off your fucking face?” It took them both a second to register the words that came out of his mouth. He’d never said that before, and he had never intended to say it that way. Especially not to Clay of all people. Maybe Maddy, or Scott, or Jessica. He wanted to tell Jessica five minutes ago, just before Jackson had showed up. But not Clay. On one level he didn’t think Clay would understand the same way the others would. And on another level he didn’t want to be a pity party for Clay to feel bad for. He just wanted to finally be equal. Sober, and equal.

“Wait…” Clay was staring, shellshocked. “That happened to you last night?”

“No,” Justin said. “It happened a year ago. It was just… A memory.”

“When you were on the streets?” It was clear that Clay didn’t understand like he thought he would. Clay had never been in a situation remotely similar.

Justin stared at the blanket on the bed, he couldn’t meet Clay’s eyes. “I told you I don’t wanna talk about this.” He didn’t need to recount his trauma so that Clay could come and claim his points for being a good ally to survivors. Or for being a good friend. There was a line. He wasn’t going to traumatise himself anymore just to put Clay’s anxiety to rest.

Clay sighed, walking around to the side of the bed. “Okay.” He didn’t really know where to take the conversation after that. Who would?

“Who, um, who else is here?” Justin asked, changing the subject on his own.

Clay looked up, thankful for the change. “Uh, Dad is getting lunch. He should be back any second…” He stared around. “Maddy and Scott are here somewhere. I think they were in the smoking area.”

Justin looked over at Clay. “Scott’s here?”

Clay nodded. “Did you see Jessica? She’s been in here for hours.”

Justin looked down at his hands and scoffed, “yeah I saw her.”

“Did she say anything?” Clay continued to watch him for a reaction.

“Yeah,” he said, “she had some stuff to say. Then I told her to go.”

Clay face screwed up in confusion, he glanced around the room. As if the answer was somewhere in a hospital room. “What? Why?”

Justin shrugged nonchalantly, but it was anything but casual. “I don’t want anything to do with her.”

Clay’s expression didn’t relax, he only got more frustrated. “What the fuck is up with you? She just wants to help you.”

Justin laughed, sarcasm dripping from his voice. “Is that what she’s calling it now?”

“Yes,” Clay insisted, “she came here as soon as she heard.”

Justin raised an eyebrow to mock him. “And then she brought her fucking boyfriend with her too.” He rolled his eyes, “why would you even ask her to come?”

Clay was incredulous. “Because she cares!” He shouted. “And because you could have _died._ ” His eyes were wide. “What happened between you two? A week ago you loved her and now, what? You can’t stand the sight of her?”

Justin shook his head. “She was here when I woke up, okay. She was understanding and she cared. And then she kissed me, and I thought she’d broken up with Jackson. That was what I thought it meant. I was gonna tell her about what happened but…”

“But then he showed up, didn’t he?” Clay was disheartened.

“Yeah,” Justin said quietly. “He showed up. And that hurt. A lot. Because I thought she chose me, but actually… She just pitied me.”

Clay was staring. “Why don’t you just tell her how you feel? Stop being a child and communicate.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Yeah, it is,” Clay insisted. “You literally just go up to her and tell her how you feel and that you wanna get back together.”

“Really?” Justin mocked him. “And what if she says no? What then?”

“What makes you think she’ll say no?”

Justin rolled his eyes. “She broke up with me, Clay. Why would she do that if she wants to get back together?”

Clay cocked his head, “you’re in denial over the fact that people actually care about you. That they wanna do what’s best for you. We’re not all Maddy. We don’t say whatever bullshit comes to our minds.”

Justin rolled his eyes, “well maybe that’s why I prefer Maddy’s advice better.”

Clay scowled, Justin could tell he too was tired of this conversation. “You know you’re being a real asshole about this. Jessica just wanted to help you and you won’t even have an honest conversation with her. What the fuck happened to you?” Clay was right, and Justin had no answer for him. It just hurt that Jessica had made him feel so happy and safe after what had happened and then reality had come crashing down on him so fast. But it was fine. He was fine. He just had to get clean again.

* * *

“I look like shit,” Maddy said as she walked in, wearing a full face of make up and her hair was tied back in a perfect ponytail.

“You’ve never looked like shit,” Justin assured her. Then she winked at him, and he laughed. Her pace picked up and she ran to the side of his hospital bed and hugged him before he could even object.

“I am so sorry,” Maddy said, and she meant it because Maddy never apologised. She held him tightly. “I am so fucking sorry.”

“It was not your fault,” he told her as she let him go. And he meant it, too. If there was one thing he knew how to do, it was take responsibility for his own mistakes.

Maddy shook her head, “I didn’t jab you with the needle and force you to shoot it. But… I was the one who had it. I’m no better than a dealer. No less responsible.” She sighed. “If I hadn’t had that shit, then you never would have shot up. And I never would have. We wouldn’t be here.” She scratched her long nails along her cheek and tried not to look at him. “You have no idea how awful I’ve felt for the last 12 hours. I felt so guilty. And I just…” She ran her hand over her face, carefully avoiding the layers of make up she was wearing. “I realise I need to get clean. I need to stop being a fuck up. If I just committed to it, then I’d get clean and I wouldn’t have had that shit. And I’ll never hurt anybody. Ever again.”

“Maddy–“  
She shook her head. “When they told me that you woke up. I just about lost my whole fucking mind. Because I love you.” Then she gave him a strange look. “Platonically. Of course. You’re too much like me, and I hate me… But I love you. And I’ve never had anybody in my life who went through something as awful as what I did. Nobody at all. And I’ve…” She stuttered a second and he reached out to hold her hand. Ordinarily she would have grabbed his wrist and annoyingly licked the palm of his hand, but this time she let him hold it. “I’ve never really wanted anybody to get better. Like, I’m selfish, and I love Scott but I know him getting better means he’s just gonna leave me. But you…” She smiled, “I’d give anything for you to get better. I’ve met fuck tons of people who come to rehab and deserve a chance to get better. But, dude, you’re the only person that I’ve sat up night after night, and thought, what does he need me to be so he can better? And I tried, and I failed.”

He squeezed her hand, “it was not your fault. At all.”

Maddy shrugged. “Maybe not but… If it had to be the sacrifice of your life for me to realise that I’m not happy living like this. I don’t think I’d ever be able to get clean. Or forgive myself. That guilt would rack up inside me. I wouldn’t wanna live that like. Nobody would.” She swallowed. “That’s why I’m gonna get clean. And then once I get out, and once I get back on my feet.” She grinned, and it was one of pure ambition. “I’m gonna sue my bastard father for all that he’s worth. I’m gonna do everything I can to make sure that fucker pays for his crimes. And I’m gonna move into his huge fucking mansion in the Hollywood Hills and I’m gonna be fucking rich.”

Smiling, he nodded in agreement. “That’s gonna be fucking amazing.”

“You can come and live with me. It’ll show all those fucking assholes who thought we’d amount to nothing. Who thought we were useless junkies.”

He smiled gently and squeezed her hand. “I’m happy where I am, but, maybe one day. Eventually.”

Maddy cocked her head. “And you know… Jessica can come too. When you guys eventually get back together.” He gave her a look that said that was never gonna happen. “Well, even if you don’t… I think she’s pretty fucking awesome for taking her rapist down. I don’t think I’d feel empowered enough to take down mine without hearing her story.”

Justin nodded, “yeah, she is. And if you tell her you wanna do that, I think she’d be there for you, as someone to, you know… Lean on.”

Maddy made a face, “yeah, I don’t think so…” Justin was staring curiously and Maddy brushed the judgement off with a shake of her ponytail. “I might have called her a slut.” Justin looked over at Scott for an explanation. With a scowl he just nodded that it was true.

“Why would you do that?”

Maddy’s shoulders went up defensively. “She brought fucking Jackson here. Why the fuck would she do that? It was shitty, and I was fucking pissed at her. Today was about you and she made it about her.”

Justin scoffed, glaring. “It’s not like it’s my fucking birthday, Maddy. It’s not about me. I don’t want it to be.” He took a breath. “She’s never coming back anyway. She was here when I woke up but I told her to go.”

“Dude, why?” Scott asked.

“Because,” Justin insisted. “She kissed me, and she’s with Jackson. She should just move on from this. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“She doesn’t love him,” Maddy said. “I can tell. She sat here for hours and she sent Jackson away every time. She wouldn’t even let him in the room. He stayed away. For you.”

Justin shook his head. “No, see, Jessica doesn’t like people judging her. She doesn’t like being anything less than the perfect survivor in the eyes of everybody. That’s why she kept our relationship a secret for months. That’s why she sent Jackson away. She just didn’t want you to think badly of her.”

“I don’t think that was it,” Scott said. “I think you’re just hurt. And you’re lashing out.” He pursed his lips and pouted. “Did you ever think that maybe she kept it a secret because she cared too much about you to let other peoples judgment in?”

Justin glared. “You’re not my therapist, Scott.”

With a smirk, Scott shrugged one shoulder. “Well it sure seemed like I was your therapist last night.”

Maddy groaned. “Jesus, Scott. What’d you do? Seduce him with more talk about the patriarchy and then finish it off with a critique of capitalism till he wanted to shoot up?” It shouldn’t have been funny. It should have been insensitive. But Justin laughed, which made Scott laugh. And Maddy just stood there with a smirk on her lips. “Seriously though,” she said as the laughter died out. “Did you wanna talk about it?” The question was pointed at Justin, obviously. But somehow he felt like he owed them both an explanation.

“I probably should,” he gave in. “So you don’t blame yourselves.” With Scott on one side of the bed and Maddy on the other, they both dragged the chairs up to his bedside and sat down attentively. Maddy leaned in and rested her chin on the edge of his bed while Scott leaned back and stretched out his feet.

“Shoot,” Maddy said. “Therapy Madeline is in the room.”

Scott smirked, “what happened to horny Madeline? She was here like ten minutes ago.”

“Fuck off Scott,” Maddy said with a pout, “and get a new shirt you look like a fucking stripper in a gay club.” Scott just smirked back at her, happy he got under her skin. His grey hoodie had legitimately been severed in the middle of his torso, jaggedly cut so that his abs were on view to anybody. That was how Scott dressed though, provocatively or like a hippie from the 70s. He started sentences with ‘dude’ and took radical views against the system. His skin was only just darker than Jessica’s and his face was equally as nice to look at. Sometimes that was what Justin thought of him. He was Jessica, just slightly different. And that was comforting.

“So…” Justin glanced between them both and they took that as a sign to stop arguing. “Did you wanna listen or what?” They both nodded eagerly, shuffling their chairs closer like children about to hear a bedtime story. This would only give them nightmares. “Okay,” he said slowly, trying to get his own head under control. He didn’t want to freak out. “So when the fireworks went off outside they just, like, reminded me of something that happened last New Years Eve.” The looks in their eyes softened as he spoke. “I’d never known before. It was like it had been hiding in my memory for the last year. Just waiting for that moment when I heard that exact noise to just show. And it kinda makes me think now, like, what if there’s more? What if I have other memories that are just waiting for that one reminder and… I don’t wanna feel like that again. Like I did last night.”

“I get it,” Maddy said gently, “I’ve had my fair share of post traumatic stress. That’s what it is. And certain things are triggers. But when you’re in a safe space and those memories come back, they’re easier to get through without drugs. I know it sounds fucking stupid but it’s true.”

“What was the memory?” Scott asked him.

“It was from when I was on the streets,” Justin admitted. “It was midnight and there were drunks and I was nearly blackout high. Nearly. And I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. But I just remember them doing things while I cried. Even now it’s a blur. But they held a gun to me and I’d never been more afraid in my life.”

Maddy bit her lip. “People like you who get murdered in situations like that… Nobody does anything. You’re just another body.”

“It just all came back when I heard the noise. I didn’t even know it happened until last night. How the fuck does that even work?” With a pout, Maddy stood up and hugged him. It was sudden and it was strange, but it was also comforting.

“I’m so sorry,” she said gently. “I’m so sorry that I was high, and that I was selfish. I was so used to being the only junkie in the centre. I didn’t realise it was gonna affect you too.” She pulled away and sat back as he shook his head. He was still slightly out of it from just waking up.

“It’s fine,” he ran his hand across his face. “I just wanna get out of here.”

Scott clicked his tongue, “bad news on that front…” He screwed up his face and Justin braced himself for the news. “They gotta keep you in here a little longer.”

“What? Why?” Justin asked him.

Leaning closer, Scott fingers came to the edge of the bed. “Yeah, we talked to the nurses.” He rested his chin on the bedside rail and pouted. “Apparently withdrawals start real quick after the Narcan. So they gotta keep you in here while you detox again. At least for the first while.”

“You’re fucking kidding me,” Justin deadpanned.

“Nope,” Maddy said, she slammed her palms on her thighs until they clapped just to make her point. “And you’re also on suicide watch. So that’s at least two days.”

Justin scoffed, “yeah, two days of considering at this fucking rate.” He shrugged his shoulders and looked at Maddy. “Can’t I just detox with you?”

She smirked, “no way. You’d cry too much and Scott can’t look after the both of us.” In response Justin screwed his face before looking over at Scott.

“Who would you rather look after?” He asked him.

Scott grinned. “Hard to say. You’re both pretty annoying.” He ran a finger over his bottom lip in consideration, drawing it out to get under their skin. “Justin. He’s not as bitchy.”

Maddy’s eyes went wide as she took offence. “Classic Scott. No thought beyond whatever you can fuck next.” She flicked her ponytail over her shoulder and huffed.

“I’d look after you Maddy,” Justin said to make her feel better. And it did make her smile, if mockingly.

“See,” Maddy looked over at Scott, “that’s why I like him more than you.” Scott rolled his eyes as Maddy stood up. “I’m gonna go suck some corporate dick and see what it’ll get me.”

“Hopefully a new attitude,” Scott said, “if we’re lucky.” Maddy rolled her eyes and sauntered out, pulling her skirt down slightly so nobody could see up it. She was classy that way. Waiting until she was out of earshot, Justin turned to look at Scott.

“You’re more hostile than usual,” he said. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Scott said with a shrug. “She’s just been getting on my last nerve.”

Widening his eyes like an innocent child, Justin pouted, “tell me why?”

Scott looked at him like a condescending parent. “You’re the one in here. We’re not talking about my problems. That’s selfish.”

Justin’s expression fell, “humour me then, Scott.” And the straightforward tone brought a small smile to Scott’s face.

“I’m just mad at her. That it’s taken her this long to work out what she’s fucking doing. I just…” Staring off into the corner of the room, Scott looked traumatised. “She could have killed you. Like fucking dead. Because she can’t get her shit together.” He was shaking his head slowly. “She’d have blood on her hands.”

“No she wouldn’t,” Justin said. “It was no ones fault but mine.”

“Say fucking sike,” Scott rolled his eyes. “Don’t take the blame for this.”

Justin looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry,” he said halfheartedly.

Scott was staring, “and _don’t_ apologise.”

“Sorry,” he said again. A force of habit whenever someone told him to stop apologising. Usually Jessica. “Shit,” he said upon realising. “Sorry.”

“Just shut your fucking mouth, okay?” Scott told him with a smirk, entertained by it. “You’re gonna be in here for the next week. They might move you into the psych ward even.”

“Oh great,” Justin said sarcastically.

“Hush,” Scott waved his hand and stood up, “you’re gonna love it.”

“Really?”

Scott laughed, “oh God no. I don’t know why places like that exist for suicide recovery. Just makes you wanna do it more in my experience.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “There are so many other things I would rather be doing.”

Scott was staring at him. “So many other things as in heroin or your ex?”

With an annoyed sigh, Justin looked up at him. “Don’t you have overage male nurses to get off?”

Scott pouted, mocking him, “don’t tell me you saw Jessica once more and now you’re straight again? What a pity.”

* * *

“What now, Jess?” He said it as soon as she walked into the room. His tone was so incredibly agitated. A feeling of guilt set in.

“Nothing,” she said. It wasn’t nothing. Actually she was really anxious. “Just wanted to say hey before your practice game.” She hovered by the door frame. She didn’t come any closer. Jackson was pulling his shirt on by the lockers. She shouldn’t have even been in the boys locker rooms anyway but it was after school and nobody was around.

“Just wanted to say hey,” he seemed to find it funny, so he mocked her. “I don’t have time to listen to you complain. I’m busy.”

Jessica pressed her lips together. “I’m not here for that,” she said quietly. “Jackson, please. Let me make it up to you. Whatever you want.”

He scoffed, “whatever I want, huh?”

She went wide eyed, feigning innocence. “Whatever you want,” she repeated.

Jackson was pulling on his shoulder pads as he ran his tongue over his teeth. He glanced over at her and made a face. “What the hell are you wearing?” He asked.

Jessica looked down. “Clothes? It’s what I wear every day.”

He scoffed, “aren’t you cold? That skirt makes you look like a hooker.”

Jessica glanced down again, frowning. “I wear this skirt all the time, though,” she said. “I wore it last week and you said it was pretty.”

“Yeah,” he said with a short chuckle, “it was fine then. Back before we were together. Now it’s like you’re asking for a guy to grab your ass.”

Jessica made a face, “asking for it? Seriously, Jackson?”

Jackson brushed the subject away with a hand gesture, “I don’t mean it like that,” he defended. “Just that you were single then, and now you’re not. I mean… you don’t need to wear that shit to get my attention.”

Jessica glared at him. “It’s not _for_ you,” she snapped.

Looking over at her with a dangerous glower, Jackson ran his tongue over his teeth like some kind of predator. “Who’s it for then?”

She felt like prey. She felt like she was in danger. “You,” she lied. “For you. I thought maybe you might wanna…” She trailed off. He was always more predictable and nicer to her after sex. Just thinking that made her feel manipulative but it was true. She had spent the week learning that. They would usually hang out at his house. She’d have to sit through his parents arguing, constantly, and hearing Jackson complain. His father was scary. There were a few times she heard a sound pretty similar to a slap. Her stomach would lurch and Jackson would ignore it. It was nothing new to her, but it was still scary. At least when she was with Justin, he made sure nobody else was home. But Jackson would just tell her it was nothing and that she should take her clothes off so they could get on with it. Then he would be the best boyfriend ever after sex. Make her food, listen to her problems, tell her whatever the fuck she wanted to hear. But other times he showed Jessica off like a prize. He made her go everywhere with him at school. They wandered down the school hallway with his arm around her waist. A lot of the time she would just disappear or avoid him and he wouldn’t find her. She didn’t like the way it felt when he put his hand in her back pocket, or on her waist. Like he was saying hey, look at what I won. But, while she disliked that, he was nice to her as well. Jessica had seen a terrible week. She spent it begging Clay for updates on Justin and then getting absolute silence in return. So yes, she cried to Jackson about it. A lot. And she felt bad about it but for the first few days he had been nothing but understanding. Now she could see it was getting to him. So, yes, maybe she exhausted him by talking about her ex who was stuck in a mental ward in a hospital that she couldn’t go visit. But Jessica didn’t really have anybody else. And part of her thought, if roles were reversed, and if it was Alex in that hospital and she was still with Justin, he would have been supportive toward her. The whole thing felt like Jackson proving he was a good person for her. And sometimes he admittedly failed. Like now.

“I gotta play,” he said with a smirk, “but we can hang out when I’m done. Showers in the girls locker rooms are always empty this time of the day.”

Glancing down at her feet, Jessica smiled. “Yeah, sure.”

“Come on,” he said with a hand gesture. “Walk me out.” He slammed his locker door shut and sauntered over to her. Tucking her hair behind her ear, Jessica smiled at him. He grabbed her wrist and she followed him out. She shook her hand free of his grip once they were out of the doorway. His fingers had been too tight and he walked too fast.

“It’s Saturday tomorrow,” she said. “Did you still wanna go see that movie?”

He shook his head. “Actually there is a party,” he said. “You should come with me.”

Jessica looked at her feet as they walked. “I don’t wanna go to another party,” she said, “New Years was enough.”

Scoffing, Jackson’s eyes stayed ahead as they walked out of the gym. “Of course you’re being a killjoy. What are you gonna do tomorrow night instead?” Then his smirk turned nasty. “You call me up every night to come over. Don’t you need friends outside of HO?”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “I have a lot of fucking friends,” she said. “You just can’t bothered knowing them. You’re too busy grabbing my ass in the hallway.”

“Name one,” Jackson challenged, “that I would know.”

Jessica’s eyebrows went up. “Zach Dempsey likes me. I’ve been friends with him for two years.”

Jackson shook his head with a smile. “He doesn’t like you.”

Jessica scoffed, “yeah he does. You were at the hospital.”

Jackson smirked, “well maybe. But it’s only because you fucked both his best friends and then dumped them.” Then the look on his face darkened. “Or wait, you fucked all three of his best friends, didn’t you?” It took Jessica a moment to realise what he’d meant. Bryce. He meant Bryce. There was a painful anxiety that settled in the pit of her stomach. It was sickening.

They were almost on the field when she turned to him, “what the fuck,” she hissed. She stopped in her tracks and he just grabbed her wrist and forced her to keep walking.

“I’m joking,” he said with a smile.

“That’s not a fucking joke, Jackson. That’s sick.” She was practically glaring at the back of his head as he pulled her into broad daylight. She stumbled onto the edge of the field as the rest of the football team erupted into shouts. They all saw her with Jackson. They were hooting and clapping. And Jackson thrived off it. He threw his hands in the air and celebrated in their applause. It was as if their conversation had never been happening. Jackson was smiling and laughing. Jessica stood and watched as it all happened. She was confused. “What are they cheering for?” Jessica asked him with a scowl. She wanted to finish their argument.

“Just you,” Jackson said. He turned back to her and they were all watching. He grabbed her and yanked her towards him and her eyes went wide.

“Don’t,” she protested, and he leaned in to kiss her. Her face screwed up and she tried to push him away. But he grabbed her forearm from where the team couldn’t see and dug his fingers in.

“Don’t fucking do that,” he hissed. His eyes were glaring and his tone was dangerous. There was something terrifying in his gaze. So Jessica gave in. And she let him kiss her. He reached around and grabbed her ass and the team began hooting again. Jackson looked over at them and shook his fist in the air. Taking in all their celebration. Jessica took it as her chance to pull away.

“I’m leaving,” she said.

With a smile on his face Jackson looked over, but his voice was nasty. “No you won’t. My phone is on the bleachers.” He was glaring at her, and still smiling. “Go get it, babe.”

“Don’t call me babe,” she said.

His smile dropped but he didn’t let them see it. “Go get it… Please?” With an eye roll Jessica figured the best way out of this conversation was to just go get his stupid fucking phone.

“Fine, but I’m leaving after.” He didn’t look like he cared. She was only two steps away, turning around, when he reached over with a grin and slapped her ass. Jessica’s eyes went wide and the rest of the team cheered him on. Her head snapped around to glare at him.

“You’re an asshole,” she snapped, she wanted to shove him back. But she knew that would only start something. Also… He scared her. “I wanna break up.” Jackson just continued grinning.

“No, you fucking don’t,” he said with a laugh. “I’ll see you later.” Then he ran off onto the field. He was met with claps on the back and shared smiles with all his teammates. Jessica watched him, glaring. She could hear him joking around about how much she apparently loves being objectified. There were players talking about her body. About her having supposed STD’s based on her past sexual history. About what positions she liked. About what noises she made… About photos.

“Yeah, well, you saw the photos,” Jackson said to someone, grinning, and Jessica’s eyes narrowed in. What photos? He had photos? Turning back to the bleachers, Jessica went looking for Jackson’s phone. It was here somewhere. And it would probably be the number one place where he kept photos. Jessica searched and searched for half their practice game. She went up and down the bleachers. They would call out to her on occasion and she would stick her finger up at them, then continue. She found it eventually. It had fallen through the cracks of the bleachers. It was lying on the floor next to an old joint and some discarded cigarettes. She squatted down and picked it up, hiding from the sight of any footballers. Especially Jackson. She wasn’t sure what he would do if he caught her going through his phone. Not something she ever did. Ever. But she had a pretty good reason this time. Jackson had always been physical. He’d put people in hospital through football, and he liked to physically control what Jessica did. He touched her a lot. He told her what to do and where to go. A lot of it she just wrote off as him looking after her while she wasn’t herself. But maybe Jackson made her not herself. Maybe he changed her? She was afraid of him now. In his company she always felt weak. She had never felt like that before. Not with a boy. Not since she recovered.

Jessica put his password in. She had seen him type it in once in bed and she happened to remember it. She scrolled and scrolled. Going through his photo stream and finding nothing. She screwed up her face in annoyance. Maybe she just wanted a good reason to break up with him. She had one, he just hadn’t accepted it. What if she started ignoring him? Would he get angry with her? She couldn’t break up with him. She tried and he declined. The feeling of his fingers digging into her wrist was haunting her. The sound of him threatening her. His menacing tone intended to intimidate her. It had worked. And she hated that. She wanted to slap him and scream at him. But how would that make her feel any better?

Then she went into his social media. Into his messages. There was a group chat and she figured that maybe if she found the football team group chat she could find these photos. There was a horrible nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach. Her intuition telling her something was wrong. She scrolled at first through the messages between the team before realising there is way to find all the photos shared. So she clicked on it and she didn’t have to scroll far before her breath caught in her throat. The anxiety in her stomach rose so high she could barely breathe. Her chest heaved and she could feel a panic attack coming on.

“Oh my fucking God,” she whispered to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do you think the photos are of? also yeah, jackson is literally the worst and im glad everyone picked up on it.


	12. Miss You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took ages because i've been really preoccupied by the current events happening in the US. and it's hard to keep that out of writing, especially when it becomes so relevant. anyway. warning for domestic abuse. and social commentary of racism in the states.

The whole team walked through the hallway into the boys change rooms, but Jessica stood on the opposite side. She watched them, one by one, as they passed her. Her eyes were watching them coldly. Yes, she felt self conscious, knowing they had seen a part of her she didn’t want them to. She felt objectified. The way they looked her up and down. She could feel their eyes on her. But mostly she was just angry. She was furious. Her breathing was short and fuming, as though if this were a cartoon, she would have steam coming out her ears. Jackson was the last to walk through, laughing with his teammates about something ridiculous. Jessica glared at him, making sure he knew she was pissed. She raised an eyebrow at him and he stopped outside the doorway. His friends went into the change rooms without him.

“What? What’s up?” He asked. “I gotta get changed.” Jessica was glaring, wetting her lips with her tongue just to be sure he knew she was serious.

“We need to talk,” she said in a dark tone. “Now.”

He was staring at her. “Don’t talk to me like that,” he said, his tone condescending which only gave rise to more anger from Jessica. He looked around and saw his friends in the locker room watching them from behind a corner. “Come on,” he said. He put his hand on the small of her back, pushing her forwards, and let his hand slide down as he made her walk away. Jessica screwed her face up and grabbed his wrist.

“Don’t touch me like that,” she snapped. Jackson rolled his eyes at her. He was like a whole new person in front of his friends. Jessica hated it. She stormed over to the other side of the hallway, and he roughly pushed her into the girls locker room instead. He wanted to have a private conversation.

“What the fuck do you want?” He asked her impatiently. She pulled away from him and stepped back until she was standing between the lockers. Reaching into her back pocket, she pulled out his phone and typed in a few numbers until she found what she wanted.

“What the fuck is this?” She asked, shoving the phone in Jackson’s face with such force he dodged it by stepping back.

“You went through my phone?” He demanded, glaring at her and swiping it from her fingers like a precious belonging. It was, and she had found out why.

“Yeah,” she snarked, “and I’m fucking glad I did.” She put her hands on her hips and pressed her lips together in rage.

Jackson’s brow was knitted in confusion, but his lips were a deep scowl. “What? What is it?” He demanded.

Jessica scoffed, her arms coming up to cross over her chest. “I checked the secret folder in your photos.” His hard expression faded as he realised she had found something he had never intended for her to find. “What the actual fuck, Jackson?”

“I can explain,” he said in a hurry, his eyes darting around the room and his words getting ahead of his thoughts.

“Really? How do you explain a whole album of photos of me?” Her eyes narrowed in on him. “Pictures of me…” she lost her voice as she remembered the photos she had seen. “On New Years where you took my underwear off while I slept, and took pictures.”

“I didn’t take your clothes off,” he defended. “You took them off. You said yes. You were drunk.”

“I was not drunk!” She burst out. “I had one fucking shot that night. One!” She felt her chest heaving. “ _You_ were drunk. _You_ passed out not even half way through shitty sex while I was having a fucking panic attack. But you didn’t put that in the photos, did you?”

Jackson rolled his eyes, “I just wanted photos of you,” he said. “You’re my girlfriend. That’s what couples do.”

Jessica scowled, “is that why you sent them to a fucking group chat with your friends? Because I’m your girlfriend?” Her chest continued to heave as her thoughts went ahead of her mouth and there was so much pent up rage to give way to. “Captioning it with shit like, look who had fun tonight, or, what was it? She takes it so good.” Jessica glared, and she could have killed him on the spot. “What did she take, Jackson? Did you put a fucking hand on me while I was sleeping?”

He shook his head, “Jesus, no. God, no.” He scoffed. “Why the fuck does everything always have to be about rape with you? Can’t you stop being a victim for one fucking minute?”

Her eyes widened, and the only response she could think of was a mocking smirk. “Okay, Jackson, but I’m not finished yet.” She snatched the phone back from his hand and took a step backwards when he tried to reach for it. “You have other naked pictures of me too,” she said. “Ones I took myself. That I’ve never sent to you.” Jessica cocked her head as he avoided her gaze. “You went through my fucking phone? You went through my private conversations?”

Jackson looked up at her like a deer in headlights. “They were in your photos,” he defended.

“No, they weren’t,” she snapped. “They’re in my texting history.” She held his phone between her fingers and let it hang, she wanted to just let it drop and she wouldn’t even feel bad. “You went through my private conversation from, like, three months ago. You stole the photos and then you sent them to the same group chat. Again. Why the fuck?”

Jackson shrugged, halfheartedly. “I thought you were still talking to Justin. He’s all you fucking talk about. So I checked to see if you were cheating. And I got caught up in the messages, and then I found the photos.”

She squinted at him in disbelief. “Do you realise how fucked up that is?”

Jackson gestured wildly with his hands, standing in the one spot. “I know, but the team didn’t believe me when I said we were together. You never hang out with me. And I wanted them to think we were… You know. Nobody believed me.” What he wanted was to truly be their captain. The coolest of them all. Sharing his girlfriend with them, and letting them objectify her. Letting them look at her in a way they hadn’t ever been able to. Showing her off like a fucking prize to be won. Because to Jackson, this was it. He had finally won. This contest that existed in his mind between him and Justin had finally been won. Jackson saw her as a pawn, an object, that made him feel better about himself. And thus Jessica had come to see Jackson, and everything he had ever said to her, in a very different light.

“You’re a fucking prick,” she spat.

He smirked, and his eyes glared into hers dangerously. “And you’re just a slut. What’s new?” She took his phone in her fist and catapulted it across the room until it smashed against the back wall. It happened in a flash and Jessica didn’t even think as Jackson’s face pinched with rage. “What the fuck!” He launched toward her and wrapped his fingers tightly around her throat. Jessica’s heart began to race as she stared up at him. Her eyes were wide as her breathing became difficult. His hand enclosed on her throat and she truly struggled to breathe. “You fucking bitch,” he spat. Jessica squirmed as she tried to breathe. She was struck with fear with what he would do to her over a simple broken phone. His fingers pressed into her neck and she could feel the bruises they were making. She tried to speak but nothing came out. Simply small squeaks of struggle. Tears were stinging in her eyes. As she continued to squirm, her hand manoeuvred around and came up to hit him in the face. She scratched her nails along his cheek, near to his eyes. It was nearly a slap and nearly a scratch. But her nails dug in until he was close to bleeding. He shouted and let go to clutch at his face and she stumbled back. Her chest was heaving as she tried to find a proper breath.

Her throat was burning, but so was her rage. “Don’t fucking touch me,” she said through gritted teeth. She shoved him back so he couldn’t strangle her again, and he stumbled a step. With a glare he brought his hand up and slapped her across the face. She tried to step back and stand away but she backed into the wall of lockers, and her whole body felt the shock of his hand colliding with her cheek. Unable to believe that this was really happening, she brought her own cold hand up to press it against the stinging of her cheek. Tears swelled in her eyes, ready to start cascading. She bit her lip to hold them back. She was terrified. Coming to her feet and standing straight, she could see it had registered in his mind too.

“Jess,” he whispered, “God, I’m so sorry.” He took a step toward her, like he wanted to hug her but she held her hand out to stop him. “I just lost my cool,” he said, his voice sweet and kind again. “You know I never meant to hurt you.”

Her stare was cold, and dead. “But you did.”

He dropped to his knees before her. “Jess, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.” He began to sob, trying to grab at her legs and hold her but she stepped far away.

“You’re lucky if I don’t press charges,” she said quietly.

His head was hung as he racked with sobs. “Please, forgive me. I love you.” When he was like this part of her wanted to forgive him. She wanted to apologise. But that was just her being manipulated. He was a fucking genius at manipulation. Jessica realised why his father had scared her so much. Because it was exactly what she feared Jackson becoming to her. And now he had.

Jessica scoffed. “You don’t love me,” she said, her voice hoarse from the tears. “You never loved me, and I never even _liked_ you.” She shook her head, her mind clear for the first time in so long. She hated him. “I have to go Jackson. Don’t talk to me again. _Ever_.” With that she walked out and left him crying on the floor. Her head was clouded with so many different thoughts. She didn’t know what to focus on or what to do next. Her heart was pounding. There were so many things she regretted. So many things she wished had gone differently. Jessica was terrified. She was hurt. She hadn’t done anything wrong and she had left this situation feeling like the bad guy. Should she have used different words? Should she have forgiven him? His father was abusive after all, it’s a learned behaviour. No, she told herself. What the fuck? He hit her. She wasn’t the bad guy here. He was. But that didn’t change the fact that her heart did hurt for the first time in a long time. She felt nothing but anger and pain.

* * *

“Um,” Jessica stood in the doorway of Justin’s hospital room, “it’s late and only family are allowed to visit at this time…” She trailed off. It was dark outside. She had driven straight here after applying a thick layer of make up to her cheek and neck. Standing in front of her mirror, with tears in her eyes, she had realised that there was only one person she wanted to cry over this with. Someone who would get it, if anything. And someone who she had put off being honest with for quite a long time. Jessica tried not to laugh before she spoke again. “So I told the lady at the front desk that we’re engaged.” She watched him sitting in the hospital bed, and waited to see his reaction. His face broke into a smile, and he laughed gently. Jessica pouted. “Don’t laugh,” she scolded him, but a smile soon crept onto her face too.

Justin’s eyes went wide. “But you laughed first,” he defended.

She shrugged and started wandering into the room, “yeah, well, I’m allowed to. I’m your shitty fiancée who never comes to visit.” He smiled gently and pointed to the cushioned chair pulled up beside the bed. “So, you don’t hate me anymore?” She asked, sitting down on the chair.

Justin scoffed quietly, “I’ve never hated you. I couldn’t.”

“Good,” she said, “I hated thinking that you could.” They sat there in silence, him sitting at the head of the bed and her on the chair beside him. She stared at him, properly stared, and he let her. Then she eventually smiled. “You look a lot better than last time I saw you.”

He nodded, his solemn expression breaking into a smile, “yeah, they’re releasing me tomorrow.” And then the emotion from his expression and tone dissipated. “And I have to go back to rehab. I’m gonna be in there even longer now.” He sighed emphatically. “It sucks but, that’s life I guess.” With that they went back to silence. Jessica drew her bottom lip between her teeth and waited for him to look at her, but he didn’t.

“Did you really do it?” She asked him quietly. “For real. Did you do what they said you did?”

“No,” he said softly, the conversation was more intimate than it should have been, “I didn’t. It wasn’t like that.” She leaned over and reached out to him. He took her hand in his and focused on that over anything else. “I just felt like shit, and I needed to get fucked up. And I did it wrong.”

“So it wasn’t a suicide attempt?”

He shook his head. “No. They have me on watch, but it wasn’t.” He was sincere, she could tell. “I swear.”

“Good,” she whispered, pressing her lips together. “You really freaked me out.”

Justin looked down as Jessica ran her fingers along his palm, his head hung. “I’m sorry.”

She nearly smiled. “Don’t apologise,” she told him gently. “You really didn’t do anything wrong.”

He scoffed, mocking himself, “I think I did, actually.”

Her expression softened as she stared at him, she couldn’t stand the solemn silence but there was only one way to move on. “Why’d you do it?” She dared to ask him. His expression changed and he looked hesitant. His eyes widening as he glanced up at her.

“What?” He asked innocently, as though he wanted her to believe there was no reason why. But there always was.

“I know you,” she said. “I’m not stupid. You always have a fairly good reason. So, what was the reason for a relapse?” She knew it had to be a pretty big one. Something was bothering him. It had been when she saw him last. There was something. And Jessica knew him all too well. She knew that there were so many different things that could have done it, but she just wanted him to tell her.

“It was nothing,” he told her quietly, “it doesn’t matter.”

Jessica frowned. “Why don’t you wanna tell me?”

“I do wanna tell you,” he insisted gently. “It’s just that… Last time I tried you weren’t interested.”

Jessica bit her lip and raised an inquisitive eyebrow at him. “You know, just because I was dating someone else doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I care a lot.” She put emphasis on the word _was_ , she wanted him to get the hint.

He looked at his other hand in his lap, his legs crossed as he sat on the bed. “Why’d you kiss me though?”

She couldn’t help but smile. “I think you know why,” she said gently. And he did.

“Do you like him more than me?” She could tell it was a hesitant question. Whether he was fearful of the answer or cursing himself for sounding so needy, though, she couldn’t tell.

“No,” she said. She was looking right at him, but his gaze was still focused on his hand.

“But are you happy?” He asked her instead.

Jessica tried not to laugh, but the laugh was anything but happy. “God, no,” she said. That was when he finally looked over at her, his expression looked how she felt. Hurt.

“Why not?” Justin asked her quietly. She shrugged a shoulder, aware of how her hair was sitting over her shoulders. She didn’t want him to see the bruise that was already forming.

“Are you?” She asked.

“No,” he admitted gently, his voice so weak it was like he had to force himself to speak. “I’m not.”

“Then that’s what matters,” she said. “I’m not happy, and you’re not happy. Something has to change.”

“Like what?” He asked, watching her curiously. Jessica tore her eyes from his and stood up from the chair, his hand absently releasing hers. She flicked her other hand at him and he got the message. She climbed onto the bed as he shuffled over and made room. He sat on the pillow at the head of the bed, and Jessica sat in front of him, crossing her legs the same as him until their knees were touching.

“Tell me,” she said gently. “I want you to tell me. Because I care.” She held her hands out to him and he smiled, taking them in his. They sat there, their hands sitting between them as he tried to find words to express himself.

“I just kinda freaked out,” he said slowly, staring at her hand in his, “and I just remembered some really fucked up stuff from when I was on the streets.”

“What kind of stuff?” She asked him quietly, staring as he spoke.

“Like… When I was high and this group of men attacked me. They pulled out a gun and I couldn’t do anything. And they did stuff. To me.” Jessica stared at him, she didn’t want to cry. She didn’t want him to feel sorry for her. Or feel guilty for telling her, or anything like that.

“How come you never told me?” She asked. Was he ashamed, she wondered.

“Because I never knew,” he said. “I didn’t know it had happened until it all came back. The fireworks set it off. It was terrifying.” She nodded that it was. She knew that feeling, and it was far from easy.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, and it nearly made him laugh.

“Why do people keep saying that? It doesn’t do anything.” Jessica shrugged her shoulders.

“Well, what do you want me to say?” She asked him gently. Their fingers were intertwined between them, and now she was the one comfortingly stroking her thumb over his palm.

“That it’s gonna be okay,” he said.

Jessica pressed her lips together. “It will be,” she assured him. “It’ll get better, it just takes time.” He stared at their hands between them and Jessica leaned over to him. At the very moment he looked up at her, she kissed him. It was short and sweet, then she pulled away slightly to look at him. Justin only frowned.

“What about Jackson?” He asked.

Their faces were barely an inch away as Jessica’s brow furrowed. “We broke up,” she whispered.

“So that’s why you’re here?” He said sadly. “I’m your second choice.”

Jessica smiled and rolled her eyes at him. “Of course you’re my second choice. You’re my second priority. But that doesn’t make him my first.”

His brow furrowed in confusion. “Who’s your first?”

Jessica grinned as she bit her bottom lip. “Me,” she told him. That made him smile too and he kissed her gently on the lips. When she pulled back from the kiss, she shuffled closer and pressed her forehead against his. “I think,” she started quietly, “I got with him because I wasn’t putting myself first. I think I was putting you first which was a bad idea.” Jessica shook her head slightly. “I don’t think I even liked him. I think I just wanted to hurt you, so you’d want me back. Which was selfish. But…” She wanted to tell him what had happened. But she knew it would change everything. And yes, things needed to change. She needed to talk about what had happened. She couldn’t keep it bottled up. But, she was hurting. A lot. “But, something happened,” she said, her voice breaking.

“What?” He asked her gently. “What is it?” Jessica bit her lip nervously. How did she go about saying this?

“Do you have tissues?” She asked in a whisper, pushing herself to make her voice work.

“Yeah,” he said. He leaned away from her and reached out to the table beside the bed. There were three drawers and he pulled out the middle one. There was a blue box of tissues sitting perfectly straight and unused in the centre. “How many do you want?” He asked her.

“Just one,” she managed to say, speaking past the lump in her throat. He pulled one out and handed it to her before closing the drawer. Jessica folded it into a square and wet the centre of it with her tongue. Justin watched her in confusion, his eyes darting back and forth between her face and the tissue. She wiped it along her cheek and sat silently as her layers of make up came off. Once it was clear and the newly exposed bruise on her cheek was visible, she turned the tissue around and did the same again. This time she wiped it along her neck. Along the spot where Jackson’s fingers had dug into her skin. She uncovered more bruises and came away with a tissue covered in brown concealer. When finally she dropped the tissue and looked up at Justin, his eyes were wide, glancing between her eyes, her cheek and then her neck.

“What the fuck?” He was torn between just sitting there, or reaching out to touch her. She didn’t blame him. Personally, she had never really known how to react either. As Jessica choked back her tears, letting them fall silently down her face, she grabbed his hand and put it on her cheek. Right over where the bruise was, and he was careful not to put any pressure on it. Instead he wiped away one of her tears. “How did it happen?” He asked her quietly. His anger now depleted. Just like Jessica’s had. Now it was simple disturbance.

“Over the last week he got really physical with me. Not abusive,” she said slowly, “just physical. And I should have seen the signs. I should have noticed. I know those signs. But I guess I didn’t want to believe it.”

He shook his head, “it’s not your fault,” he told her. “It’s not.”

“I know,” she said. “But, he would get really handsy around the football team. And he would become such a dick. But I just brushed it off, I guess. But then today, when he was going to practice, he got really, like… Scary.”

“Scary how?”

“Like, just the look in his eyes. The way he spoke to me. He grabbed me, and shoved me. Like, to control me. That was when I knew he wasn’t safe to be around. And then as soon as we were in front of the team, it was like nothing happened. He was back to being nice, but only for show. I tried to break up with him in front of everybody, and he said no. _No_.” Now she was getting angry again. “So, then I went through his phone, right? And I found fucking photos of me from New Years while I was asleep. He took my underwear off. And took fucking photos. All for proof that we had sex.”

“What the fuck?” He was wide eyed. “So did you… Did you delete them?”

She rolled her eyes, not at Justin, rather the whole situation. “Doesn’t matter. He sent them to the whole football team as proof. Then he went through my phone and sent other naked pictures of me to them. The ones I took in like September.”

Justin’s face screwed up. “Wait, he went that far back in our texts? What the fuck for?”

She scowled. “He said it was because he thought I was cheating, but, why the fuck would he be looking at September? I think he was purposely looking for them.” She shook her head and he reached out to hold her hands again. “But I confronted him and then I got mad and I threw his phone against the wall. And then…”

Justin stared. “And then he did it?” He finished for her, so Jessica didn’t have to.

“Yeah,” she said. She reached up and put her hand around her throat. “Like this,” she said. “And I scratched him and he let go. But then he slapped me.”

Justin scoffed in annoyance. “Then did he apologise and tell you he loved you?” Jessica nodded. “Classic,” he deadpanned.

“I was so scared,” she whispered. “I ignored all these signs. I should have known better.” She looked down at her hands holding his, and he was staring at her in concern.

“Do you think you should tell someone? Like the cops or some shit?”

“Shhh,” she hissed, her head coming up to glance around the room. “Not so loud.” She looked around to see if any of the nurses outside heard him, then she looked back. He reached up to gently stroke her cheek, right where the bruise was.

“Jess, I’m so fucking sorry he did that. What a fucking–“

“I know,” she whispered. “But, look at me,” her voice was hoarse, “I’m not the right kind of victim.” She could have began to cry, she felt the lump in her throat again as strongly as she felt the bruise on her cheek. “And he’s the perfect fucking villain.” She shook her head in finality to herself. “No,” she said. “All it takes is for one thing to go wrong and Jackson’s head is smashed into the pavement. Or I’m fucking…” Tears clouded her vision. “Attacked. Or I get charged for something. Or they do nothing at all. The bad outweighs the good.”

“What if I report it?” Justin offered.

“You can’t,” she said, “you weren’t there. You have no evidence.”

“What about the fucking photos?” Jessica only shook her head and brushed it off. They weren’t enough. “I’ll go with you,” he said. “They might take it fucking seriously.”

Jessica scoffed at him, looking up with a mocking smirk. “Yeah, a black girl and a junkie walk into a police station.” She raised an eyebrow. “That sounds like a hate crime waiting to happen.” With a sigh, he agreed that she was right. “And what about Jackson?” She asked. “He doesn’t deserve to die for what he did. If he tries to resist arrest. If he… He wouldn’t even have to _do_ anything. His skin is darker than mine.”

Justin sighed, “I don’t have an answer,” he said softly.

“Yeah,” Jessica said, “neither do I.” He ran his thumb over the bruise on her neck and shook his head.

“This won’t go away for like a day or two, maybe more. So, you have the evidence. If you do go to the cops.”

She nearly smiled, “it’s sad that you know that.”

He brushed her comment off, rather more concerned with Jessica’s issue and drew his hand back from her cheek. “Does it hurt? Do you want some ice?”

“No,” she said, “do you even have ice?”

With a small smirk he raised an eyebrow, “well I don’t have _ice_ , but I can get some ice. And I do have a connection to get some _ice_ too.”

With a smile, she rolled her eyes. “I don’t want ice _or_ meth, okay?” Then she smiled. “Can we just do this?” She asked.

Making a face he glanced around the room jokingly. “Do what? Meth?”

She groaned, “no,” she complained. “Can we just not talk about it. For now. I don’t wanna think about it.” With an understanding nod, he reached out and adjusted her hair until it was sitting over her shoulder and the bruises on her neck were no longer visible.

“Take off your shoes,” he said before climbing off the bed. And Jessica pulled her boots off and threw them beside the bed. Justin walked over and shut the door to the hospital room. “There’s no lock,” he told her and she nearly laughed.

“I’m okay with that.” She giggled. “Now it’s kind of sexy and dangerous.”

He laughed, “you need to get out more.” With a grin she lay down on the bed and he came back and lay beside her. They both turned onto their sides so they were face to face. He reached out to run his hand through her hair and she ran her fingers gently along his arm. The look in her eyes was so sweet as she tried to escape all the painful things that had happened today. If she ignored the bruises, she felt better than she had felt in a long time. She felt safe. She felt like whatever happened next, no matter what, she could get through it. And that was all her. That wasn’t owed to anybody but her. Jessica’s head felt clear for the first time in a long time. She knew who she was and what she wanted. And right now all she wanted was to be happy.

“So, you and Scott, huh?” She was smirking at him. “Can’t say it surprised me.”

Justin looked embarrassed. “Shit, for real?”

Jessica shrugged a shoulder as she smiled. “He’s hot. You’re hot. Maddy’s annoying.” That made him laugh. “I’m kidding. Sometimes you just know. And I know you pretty fucking well, so I know.” Then she giggled. “Does Clay know?”

With a slight laugh, Justin rolled his eyes. “Clay didn’t even know Tony was gay until like last year. Shit goes over his fucking head. He’s got no idea. And Scott’s here like all the time.”

Jessica’s eyes went suggestively wide. “All the time, huh? That’s hot.” She leaned over and kissed him, biting his lip until he started to laugh. She put her hands on his cheeks, her thumbs resting on the corners of his lips. And when she pulled away, she frowned. “Are you, like, in love with him?”

“I don’t know,” he told her honestly. “I don’t think I am. I think I’m in love with someone else.”

Jessica tried to stop herself from smiling. “Do they love you back?”

He smirked, “well, she’d fucking better.” With a giggle she kissed him again. Then again and again. That was her way of saying that yes, she did love him back. She always had. But then she pulled away with a suggestive smile.

“Was he better than me?” She asked jokingly.

“No,” he said with mock honesty, “but his dick was much bigger than yours.”

Jessica made a face, “not metaphorically, of course.”

“Fuck, of course not,” he agreed with emphasis. “You have, metaphorically speaking, the biggest dick of anybody I have ever met.”

Smiling, Jessica ran her thumb along his bottom lip, “thank you, babe.” It was a force of habit, calling him that. But neither wanted to protest her use of the word. 

Justin shared the smile and she drew back. “What about Jackson?”

She raised an eyebrow. “What _about_ Jackson?” Trying not to laugh, Justin brought his hand up between them both and put his thumb and forefinger together. He began to slowly part them and looked over at Jessica with a smirk.

“Tell me when,” he said and she giggled. He kept going and she watched, his expression growing more and more shocked by the second. When he added a second hand, his eyes went wide. “Jessica,” he scolded and she smiled.

“Jealous?” She asked and she grabbed his fingers and made him stop measuring. “Something like that,” she said nonchalantly.

“Something like that,” he mocked in a weird tone until she laughed. “Well, I guess we know why he’s such an asshole now.”

The change of topic also changed Jessica’s mood slightly. “Yeah, he’s like a fucking psychopath,” she said dismally. Her frown deepening.

“Are you okay?” He asked, watching her. His eyes following her as she stared as though in a trance.

“Yeah,” she said softly. “Can we… Just go back to ignoring it?” He nodded that they could. She leaned in and kissed him again, knowing that would distract her more than anything. He didn’t pull away, instead he kissed her back harder and it was enough to make her smile.

“Hold up,” he said against her lips, “I think I know what’ll distract you.”

“What?” She was smiling. Pulling back, he glanced around the empty hospital room, then looked back at her.

“Get under the sheet.” Without protest, Jessica drew her knees up and slipped under the thin white sheet. He pulled the woollen blanket up from the bottom of the hospital bed and covered them both with it. He looked back at her. “To save some dignity…” He smirked. “Mostly mine.” She giggled as he leaned over and kissed her. She put her hand gently to his cheek as he kissed her again and again. He reached his hand under the sheet to touch the bare skin of her waist and she smiled, knowing exactly what he was going to do.

“Shouldn’t it be the other way around,” she whispered against his lips. “You’re the one in the hospital.”

He laughed gently. “No,” he told her in the same hushed tone, “I’m good like this.” He ran his tongue over her bottom lip and she smirked.

“Kinky for someone confined to a hospital bed,” she whispered.

He smiled. “I’m kinky _because_ I’m confined to a hospital bed.” Jessica giggled as he leaned over and kissed her neck, carefully avoiding the bruises. Maybe some other boy would have kissed the bruises on her neck as some profession of love. But Justin knew there was nothing romantic about abuse, or bruises. He didn’t tell her she was beautiful, like her scars were anything other than a crime. He didn’t offer to take revenge, like she was some object he owned. He just was. He just made her think about other things. And Jessica felt the way he had, at least she assumed, all those nights he had come to her window looking as she did now, or worse, and she did for him as he was doing for her. The human experience was a strange thing. The way pain eased when you felt loved and safe. Jessica imagined what it was like to go through that when you didn’t feel loved, or safe. And she thought of him living on the streets, turning to hard drugs because he had no other choice. Being attacked and having no safety from that. The thought made her heart sting.

She pulled away, “wait, wait.” He almost went wide eyed as they both froze.

“What happened to the no talking rule?” He asked with a smile.

“I just need to know,” she whispered, smiling, “that you won’t do this again. This is it, okay?”

“What’s it?” He asked in confusion, and Jessica’s chest heaved with a sigh.

“If you ever break up with me again, I want it to be because you don’t love me. Not because I deserve better. Or because you’re bad for me.”

“So we’re back together?” He asked her.

“I think we’re just seeing where it goes. Keeping boundaries. But I love you. I just don’t wanna date you through hour long visits to a rehab centre.”

He laughed. “I wouldn’t want you to date me like that, either.” 

“I just wanna be… Single,” she said belatedly, “but not _single_. You know?” She smiled. “I just feel like I’ve exhausted this theory that I settled for you, which is dumb. This idea that I could have better. I wanna be by myself for a bit. Work on me, as a person, without sex, and without this whole shroud of being a survivor that hangs over me. I wanna be by myself. And happy.”

“I want you to be happy too,” he said.

“I don’t wanna go looking for someone just to prove a point to other people about shit I already knew. That’s fucked up. Let’s just start over. From the break.” He nodded that he understood. There was no lack of love. It was just not the right time. He had to get clean before he could be with her. And Jessica hadn’t been single in a long time. Not since she was recovering from something traumatising, and that was no time to find yourself. Now she could. Jessica held her hand out to him, raising her small finger.

“Together but seperate.” He drew his hand out from under the blanket and promised her by hooking his finger around hers.

“Pinky promises are stupid,” he said, “but sure.” Scrunching up her face, she brought his hand up to her lips and bit his finger. He went wide eyed again. “What was that for?”

“Promise me,” she insisted. “Don’t be a dick.”

“I promise,” he told her defensively. Then he smiled. “Does this mean we have to call off the wedding?”

She rolled her eyes vividly. “Oh, shut up,” she complained, pulling her hands from his and shoving his face away. But he licked the palm of her hand and she pulled away again. “God, you’re such a child.” She wiped her palm on the blanket and he laughed.

“You’re the one who pinky promised,” he said.

With an eye roll, she smirked. “Okay, you can go back to what you were doing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there was more to the whole thing with jackson and him being held accountable but at the end of the day this shit isn't solved quickly. i didn't put it in because i didn't wanna get preachy and whatever. also didn't wanna talk about it a lot so as not to ever romanticise abuse or anything like that. i wanted to give them equal traumatic experiences in this fic to portray like the emotional side of their relationship. at the end of the day, justin and jess' relationship comes from a place of recovery. they work well together after pain because they both understand it.   
> but anyway. the ending was totally gonna be jessica trying to report jackson to the police before it being written off as a domestic dispute because she threw his phone. and thus justin and jess pay some drug dealers to intimidate jackson so he doesn't do shit again. you know the country is fucked when you can trust drug dealers not to kill someone more than the police. 
> 
> anyway. i totally fucked up this fic by the end. i lost the whole thing. I'm sorry. there was supposed to be a plotline about the kitten. jackson's plotline only became abusive while i was mid chap 3. i tried to foreshadow it even. i dunno y'all. a huge mess. i just try and provide the soft content. fuck everything else. thank you for reading. please stay safe.


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